Legend of The Seeker Season 1 Parody
by smartie2742
Summary: Basically this is a parody of the first season of Legend of The Seeker. I'll have each episode as a chapter and will continue adding new chapters whenever I get the chance. Enjoy! Please note; I love the books and tv show. This is all in good fun.
1. Prophecy

*Beautiful, stereotypical fantasy-genre scenery. Two women on horses being chased by a group of men, also on horses.*

*Guy shoots arrow, hits Denee. She falls to the ground- in slow motion.*

Kahlan: Denee! Noooez!!

Denee: Take this book. Just take it. Leave me to die!

Kahlan: *runs off*

The men have her cornered at the giant, green boundary of doom.

Fain: There's nowhere left for you to run!

Kahlan: *gets out mysterious blue orb* Ahh, but I have this!

*Hole in the boundary appears. She goes through it. Men obviously follow*

*Enter Richard, shirtless, for all the fangirls to squeal over. He's building a small bridge.*

Richard: Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go... oh! Who's that pretty lady running? Hurr... looks like men are chasing her. I don't approve of this behavior at all so I shall interfere!

Kahlan: *Sticks palm out* Stop! In the name of love...

Men: *laugh*

Richard: Leave pretty lady alooone!

Fain: You're making a mistake, stupid pretty boy! *bitch slaps Richard*

Kahlan: Oh hellz no! *grabs nearby man by the neck and does some crazy voodoo on him to make him attack the other men*

*Only Fain is left now. As he attempts to kill Kahlan, Richard gets up and shoves him off the cliff.*

Richard: What's up with those men? Why were they trying to kill you? And what did you do to that man?

Kahlan: I have to go. You're getting way too nosy for me. *flees*

*A vine wraps itself around Richards leg, then bites his hand.*

Richard: Ow! Not cool! *stomps on vine*

*Enter Fain and Chase*

Chase: Drop your weapons! I'm the councilor's guard! Now, what's going on?

Fain: Take me to your leader!

*In the forest*

Kahlan: Come my glowy blue orb of light! Show us the waaaay!

Richard: *stalking* Wha?

Fain: I come from D'Hara and am tracking down a dangerous witch from The Midlands. She used magic to cross the boundary, and had help from someone on this side! He was wearing this tooth necklace!

Michael: Zomg! That's my brother's!

*Richard home with his father*

Richard: And there was this girl who did this weird thing with this man and it looked like magic! Was it Pa? Was it really magic?

George: Yes. She and these men are from the Midlands. I feared this day would come. You see Richard-

*Fain and men show up at house*

George: Leave, LEAVE! Run to Zedd's house!

Richard: Zedd? That crazy chicken man? What's going on? I WANT ANSWERS DAMMIT!

George: JUST LEAVE, DAMMIT!

*Richard leaves. Men come in.*

Fain: Where is your son?

George: I dunno, he went off to build a bridge- shirtless.

Fain: Okay, we're going to try finding him. Stay here, in case he comes back. The witch could put him under control so he might need Daddy's help. Chase, leave a few men outside because I know this man is lying.

*Men leave*

*Enter Zedd, naked, holding a chicken.*

Zedd: Precioussss chicken. I shall eat you one day!

Kahlan: Oh dear spirits! Of all the scenes to actually keep from the book series it's this one! Listen wizard, I need your help. But get some clothes on first.

Zedd: Well, it was a nice couple of decades but now back to trouble.

*Richard shows up, feverish, on horseback.*

Richard: Pretty lady.... *faints*

*Zedd and Kahlan bring him into the house. Zedd chants some spells.*

Zedd: Oogedy boogedy boo, hocus pocus, EXPELLIARMUS! The power of christ compels you!

*Snake bite heals, Richard slowly wakes up*

Kahlan: Great. Now that that's over with, you need to appoint a seeker!

Zedd: There he is! *points to Richard*

Kahlan: What? NO! He can't be the seeker. He's barely reached puberty! And I think he has some strange obsession with me. We only talked two minutes and already I caught him stalking me.

Zedd: You wanted a seeker, deal with it!

Richard: Seeker? What's that?

Kahlan: You never told him! What have you been doing all this time?!

Zedd: Getting naked, talking to chickens. Stuff you can't get away with in the Midlands.

Kahlan: My sister gave up her life for this?! He is the first true seeker in a thousand years! The prophesy says-

Zedd: Prophesy be damned! I tried averting it but then you show up demanding I appoint a seeker. Then, when I do, he's not up to your standards! There's no pleasing you, woman!

Richard: Stop! I'm so confused. Who's the pretty lady again? And what's a seeker?

Zedd: A seeker is a hero who seeks out evil and tries to save the world. But first, you need to know about Darken Rahl. He's probably the sexiest villain in the world. In fact, I think he's sexier than you. Anyway, a prophet told him that a seeker would defeat him so he sent men to kill every first born child in Brennidon. Except for you! I kidnapped you before they could get to you and gave you over to two kind-hearted strangers.

Kahlan: I think I'll take this time to tell you that I'm a confessor and that every seeker needs a confessor. All I'm gonna say is that we try to find the truth no matter how hard someone tries hiding it. My names Kahlan, sorry for being such a bitch. I came to bring you this book!

Richard: Yay! Porn!

Kahlan: No, It's The Book of Counted Shadows. Darken Rahl is trying to steal it. He can use it to take over the world. The seeker shall use this book to defeat Rahl!

Richard: What the hell? I can't read this. It's in German!

Kahlan: Ah, but every seeker can read German without learning it first. Give it a try!

Richard: *reading* One shadow... two shadow... three shadow... four! Whoa! When did I learn German?

Zedd: Because you are the true seeker.

*Enter Fain and Chase*

Fain: Nice blade you got there. It's long and slender. *snicker*

Chase: Richards trail ends here. He's good at masking trails. He's been practicing all these years when he should've been learning how to become a seeker.

Fain: Whut?

Chase: Nothing.

*Back at Zedd's*

Kahlan: Give him the sword!

Richard: What sword?

Zedd: *Conjures up sword*

Kahlan: This is the sword of truth. You shall use it to kill Darken Rahl. Even though, in the books, Darken Rahl is protected by the magic of Orden and cannot be killed by anything magical. But the boxes of Orden in the books are too complicated to explain on nighttime television, so we'll not mention that at all!

Richard: Wha? No! I don't want to kill anybody! I'm not a seeker! I don't want no swords or book and George Cypher is my father! Goodbye!

Kahlan: Richard wait! I just realized that I think your cute! Sorry I made fun of you...

Zedd: Let him go. It'll sink in soon enough. Then we'll name him.

*Richard gets attacked by killer mutant flies.*

Richard: What the butterscotch?

Kahlan: *leaps out from nowhere and covers Richards mouth* Don't make a sound.

*weird dragon-like creature swoops down and eats Richard's horse. Zedd shows up and shoots fire at him. He dies.*

Richard: What was that?

Kahlan: God you ask a lot of questions! It was a gar. It uses it's blood flies to get it's prey.

Richard: You guys are freaks! I'm gonna go find my father before something happens to him too. Don't follow meh!

*Richard arrives at his house to find it on fire. He goes in to rescue his dying father.*

Richard: What happened? Who did this?

George: D'Harans. They're looking for you at Zedd's. I'm going to die now but first you must know that everything Zedd told you is true. I am not your father, but I will always be your father. *dies*

Richard: Nnnoooooooooooooo!!!!!

Michael: Richard! What's going on?

Richard: He's dead.

Michael: Whut? The witch made you do this, didn't she?

Richard: She's a confessor, dammit. And no, the D'Harans killed him!

Michael: I don't know what to believe. And by the way, he's MY father, not yours.

Richard: Wtf? You knew?!

Michael: Yes, but I swore not to tell. But since he's now dead and I'm such an asshole, I'm going break my promise and tell you anyway.

Richard: *flees to Zedd's house to get revenge*

*At Zedds house*

Richard: AAAAAAHHH! Oh, that's just a chicken.

*sword points at his throat*

Fain: Tell me where the witch is or I'll kill you!

Richard: No! You killed my father. I challenge thee to a duel!

*Dramatic sword fight. Fain knocks the sword out of his hands, then sees Richard's saddlebags.*

Fain: The book. Victory is mine! *steals*

Richard: Noooooo!!! *chases Fain to an old wooden bridge.*

Fain: *From the other side of the bridge.* Later sucka!! *cuts bridge's ropes*

*Kahlan and Zedd show up*

Richard: Fain has the book!

Zedd: We can still get it! Fain can't get across the boundary unless he has a glowy, blue orby thingy! You are the true seeker. You can stop him! You have a destiny. Plus, you lost everything so you might as well go on this epic quest to stop an evil lord.

Richard: Okay fine. Name me seeker!

Zedd: *dances merrily around the seeker.* Bibbity bobbity boo! Do you take this sword to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Richard: I do.

Zedd: I now prounounce you seeker! You may kill Darken Rahl.

Richard: Sweet.

*In a land far far away...*

Darken Rahl: *Abrubtly awakes* Oh sh-

Loyal Servant: What is it, my Lord?

Darken Rahl: I had that dream again! Where that marshmallow king forces me to wear a dress made out of Twizzlers and dance the Macarena!

Loyal Servant: I am so sorry, my Lord.

Darken Rahl: And also... the seeker lives!


	2. Destiny

*Night time. Richard is drawing out a map in the dirt.*

Richard: Okay, so they went this way across the river to the boundary here. Luckily, I just built a new bridge this morning that will help us get across. Epic foreshadowing for the win! Anyways, we'll meet them here.

*Enter Chase*

Chase: 'Sup homies?

*In a castle far far away...*

Darken Rahl: You've been such a good companion. One of my most loyal followers ever.

Loyal Follower: Yes, my Lord. It has been an honor.

Darken Rahl: But you have failed me. The seeker survived the massacre!

Loyal Follower: I'm sorry! Let me go off and kill him myself! Please, don't hurt me.

Darken Rahl: How are you going to do that when the seeker is leagues away behind the boundaries? You're too old to serve me anyway. Give me your hand! *grabs hand* Thank you for your service. *slits wrist and pours man's blood into a goblet* Bring me my journey book.

*Darken Rahl then scribbles a message to his soldiers telling them to shoot the boundary with cannon balls. Because that's exactly how it went down in the books. The big, scary Darken Rahl sits in his comfy chair while his soldiers chuck rocks at the boundary.*

*Back in the forest*

Chase: So you're supposed to kill some evil dictator? With a book? That's some crazy shizzle! But I believe you.

Kahlan: We have to go now.

Zedd: No, I'm hungry. Let's go eat at Chase's house!

*At Chase's house*

Cute little girl: Are you two married?

*Awkward silence*

Richard: No, we're just travelling together.

Kahlan: This is awkward. I need fresh air.

*Kahlan goes outside. Richard follows.*

Richard: Are you okay?

Kahlan: I miss my family. They're all dead.

Richard: I know what you mean.

*blue glowy orb thingy makes cooing noises*

Richard: What is that?

Kahlan: It's Shar. She's a night wisp. I used her to get through the boundary and find Zedd.

Shar: Coo coo coo coo oooooo coo... (Translated: I'm trying to tell Richard crucial information that will be needed in a future book. But instead, the TV writers are having me make stupid baby noises. Woe is me!)

Kahlan: She's thanking you for becoming seeker and giving people hope.

*In the distance, D'Harans are catapulting cannon balls at the boundary.*

*Next morning*

Townspeople: Wtf? What killed all our livestock?

Michael: I don't know! *storms off to his Councilor place*

Fain: You have a problem. Darken Rahl is clearly trying to bring down the boundary. He wants this book that the witch stole from him. And when he comes here, he will fuck your shit up. You should really come over to our side. We have cookies.

*Richard, Kahlan, and Zedd leave Chase's house*

Zedd: Stop staring at Kahlan's sexy ass. You can never have her.

Richard: Damn.

*They run into townspeople. Not good.*

Michael: Surrender or we kill your sexy witch!

Richard: What are you doing? She's not a witch!

Michael: Life was normal before her. She ruined everything!

*Man shoots an arrow. It kills Shar. Richard, Kahlan, Zedd, and Chase flee.*

Richard: Has everyone gone mad?

Chase: They're looking for a scapegoat.

Zedd: Wizard's first rule- people will believe a lie because they want to believe it or fear it's true. Yeah, people are stupid.

Richard: Chase, you better go home to make sure your family's safe.

Kahlan: Poor Shar is dead. Let's give her a funeral!

*Night wisp funeral.*

Kahlan: She sacrificed herself to save the seeker. Your mission is important. Don't have her death be in vain.

Zedd: Now let's go find Fain. Hey, that rhymed!

*Chase goes home to find Fain holding a knife at his daughter's throat.*

Fain: You know a way through the boundary. Your super awesome D'Haran blade is only available at Walmart and there are no Walmart's here. How did you get through?

Chase: I bought it from a trader. I'll show you where he's at. Just let Laura go!

Fain: I'm not stupid. I'll send Laura back to you if your information is correct.

Chase: Okay, your looking for The Bone Lady.

*Men gallop away with Laura in search for this lady of boniness.*

*Enter Richard, Zedd, and Kahlan*

Richard: I found deer tracks!

Zedd: I found bird droppings!

Kahlan: This isn't helping. Who knows where the men tried crossing at?

*Sees cannonballs trying to penetrate through the boundary.*

Richard: Wtf?

Kahlan: Oh it's Darken Rahl sending his men to try and bring down the boundary because, unlike the book Darken, the TV Darken is too lazy to sacrifice a child to the Keeper in order to travel the Underworld to undo the boundary's magic himself. So here, D'Haran's are just trying to break it down.

Zedd: Well this is actually a good thing. You see, Darken Rahl is being impatient. Thus, it means that Fain is still on this side. We have time!

Richard: How am I supposed to beat this wizard anyway? If he has thousands of soldiers and sorcerers and his own magic?

Zedd: That's what the sword of truth is for! And when people see a seeker arise, they will fight by your side.

*Chase is tied up to horses, being led by two men.*

Chase: This isn't fair. Why are you betraying me?

Men: Shut up, we're taking you to see the First Councillor.

Chase: Ah hellz no! *Pulls on rope leading him which causes the man to fall off his horse. Chase starts kicking both their asses.*

Chase: *Steals horse* Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

*In a castle far far away...*

Darken Rahl: Is the boundary down yet?

Man: It's weakening, your honorable lordship of lordiness.

Darken Rahl: Awesome.

*Back in Westland, at the Boundary.*

Richard: Zomg! I hear voices.

Zedd: No, don't listen to them. They're Shadow People, from the Underworld. They live in the boundaries and if you listen to them, they'll suck out your soul!

Richard: Hi mom! *Goes to the boundary.

Zedd: Noooooo! *Goes to save Richard but gets captured by a Shadow Person. Luckily he breaks away but falls unconscious.*

Richard and Kahlan: Well this sucks.

Richard: We have to take him to a healer.

Kahlan: No, we must get Fain!

*Richard and Kahlan argue.*

Chase: STFU n00bs! Fain has my daughter!

Kahlan: Wow how convenient! This woman can heal Zedd while we kick Fain's ass. Hurry Richard!

*At Bone Lady's (Adie's) house.*

Fain: Gimme a night wisp. Naaaaooo!!! Or I'll kill this woman you blind fool!

Adie: Adie says fine, here be it. *Gives Fain rock.*

Fain: A rock?

Adie: Adie says it be a nightstone, dumbass. It'll help you get through the boundary. Now get outta Adie's house!

Fain: Fine. But I'm keeping the girl!

*Sees Chase and crew coming. Sends Laura off to them. As a gar swoops down to get her, Richard gallops towards the gar and chops it's head off.*

Laura: AAAHHH!!! You just killed my pet gar, Sniffles. I LOVED YOU SNIFFLEY! *Cries hysterically.*

Chase: Shhh, shh... it's okay.

Adie: Adie can take care of Zedd. The rest of you go off and play Super Heroes.

Richard: No, Chase is going home. He's done enough for us. I have Kahlan.

Chase: Damn, when did you get so bossy? Ah well, if you need me just call.

*Richard and Kahlan ride off into the sunset.*

*At the boundary.*

Richard: Fain! Give me that book!

Fain: No Mr. Bossypants. And for that attitude, I shall slay you. *Pulls out sword.*

Richard: Oh hellz no! *Pulls out sword.*

*They all fight for two minutes. Then, Richard pierces his sword through Fain.*

Richard: PWND! *Steals Book of Counted Shadows.*

*Suddenly a cannon ball breaks through the boundary.*

Random D'Haran: Wow! Who would've guessed that chucking cannonballs at a magical barrier would actually break it?

Another D'Haran: CHARGE!!!

*Swarm of D'Harans pour into Westland.

D'Haran: Hey! That pretty boy has The Book of Counted Shadows. Who knew he could read? Anyway, give me the book and I'll give you a quick death. Don't and I'll give you a horrible death. Take your pick.

Richard: I don't like those choices. So instead, I'm gonna throw this book in that fire! *Burns book.*

Kahlan: Noooo! It's Farenheit 451 all over again!

D'Haran: Kill them!

*Richard and Kahlan defend themselves.*

*Back at Adies.*

Zedd: *Wakes up.* I have a feeling my friends are in trouble. Gotta go!

*Back at the boundary. Richard and Kahlan managed to fight most of them off. Kahlan gets tired so decides to use her secret power on one of the men. More overly dramatic sword fighting occurs. They win.*

Richard: How did we manage that on our own?

*Enter Zedd.*

Zedd: Aww, you killed them all without me.

Kahlan: Richard burned the book!

Richard: But I had to! It was either that, or die, or die horribly!

Zedd: It's okay! You technically did use the book to help defeat Rahl. Now he can't have it.

Richard: Cool, now let's go through this boundary so I can kill Rahl and go home.

*In a castle far far away...*

Messenger: My Lord, the Seeker and the Confessor somehow managed to kill off all your men after successfully penetrating the boundary. And the book has been destroyed.

Darken Rahl: Dammit...

Messenger: But you shouldn't worry too much. So many people follow you because you are dead sexy. I'm sure a woman or two will be willing to capture the Seeker in return for "certain" favors.

Darken Rahl: Oh, no. I couldn't do that. What if an ugly woman finds him? I won't do a whale! Instead, tell them I'll give them moneys. Unless she's hot. Now go!


	3. Bounty

*Enter some weird, creepy looking guy stalking through forest. He meets up with another creepy guy.*

Creepy Guy 1: Did you find them?

Creepy Guy 2: No, but I found a deer, some bunnies, and a cute, little tiger!

Creepy Guy 1: Tigers don't live in the forest! Moron... hey, what's that in your hand?

Creepy Guy 2: Oh, some bone tooth necklace I found.

Creepy Guy 1: *Snatches necklace* Ooh... this will go great with my tunic! But wait.... *Pulls out wanted poster* This is the same necklace that this man in the picture is wearing!

Creepy Guy 2: What a coinky dink! Do you suppose this necklace is the seeker's?

*In a random city. A young boy is running from D'Haran soldiers.*

Young boy: You'll never catch me! Stupid cops! *Accidently bumps into a D'Haran soldier.* Ow.

Soldier: You stole food! You stealer! *Bitch slaps.*

D'Haran Soldiers: You got pwnd! *They drag him away.*

*Enter Creepy Guy 1, headed into a map store.*

Creepy Guy: I need a map!

Sebastian: Oh I've got plenty of maps! I got one to these old ruins, some to the finest inns, and I even have one to Candy Mountain!

CG: Candy Mountain? Oh it's hard to pass up a map to Candy Mountain... however, I really need a map to track someone and can't afford both.

Sebastian: Oh you're right. For a map to track someone is going to be _very_ costly... Plus I'm going to need an item of the person you want to track.

CG: *Hands over bone necklace and a sack of moneys.*

*Sebastian makes map, then hands it over to Creepy Guy.*

*In a forest, Richard, Kahlan, and Zedd are running after a rabbit.*

Richard: I got it, I- don't got it.

Zedd: Oh Richard... lemme show you how a wizard catches food! *Shoots fire at rabbit. It's burned to ash.*

Kahlan: Dammit Zedd! You know that magic isn't the answer to every problem. Now we have no foods.

Richard: Pshyeah! I already lost my necklace from our last hunting disasters. Stupid D'Harans overhunting and leaving no food for-

*Suddenly all three find themselves hanging upside down from ropes tied to trees.*

Kahlan: Well this sucks!

Zedd: Hold up! I'll shoot fire at the ropes.

*Creepy guys show up on horses. Zedd torches Kahlan's rope, setting her free to stab one of the guys. Zedd then shoots more fire at who I think is Creepy Guy 2.*

CG 2: Aww man, I ain't fightin' no wizard! *Runs off like the coward he is.*

CG 1: Grrr... *Gallops off after CG 2. Kahlan manages to snatch his bags as he goes past her.*

Zedd: Good job Kahlan! You stole his moneys so now we can buy dinner!

Kahlan: *Finds the magical stalker map.* What's this?

Richard: *Walks over* Is it to Candy Mountain?

Kahlan: That gold dot is moving!

Richard: *Stops.* What?

Kahlan: The gold dot just stopped.

*Richard, Kahlan and Zedd start walking.*

Kahlan: Hmm... everytime Richard walks, that gold dot moves. When he stops, the dot stops. This must mean that this map was created by Richard's overly-obsessive fangirls!

Richard: So that guy is a member of my fan club? Weird...

*At a pub.*

Zedd: Well, this map looks like it contains magic too complicated for fangirls to construct. I'd say a mapmaker made it... for a bounty hunter!

Kahlan: Dear spirits... fangirls would've been bad enough but bounty hunters-

Random Guy: Hey! It's the seeker!

Random Fangirl: ZOMG! Can I haz autographs?

Richard: Noooo! They're everywhere...

Random Girl: Come on! You must escape!

*They all run outside.*

Richard: Finally! Somebody who doesn't want to kill or rape me.

Lily: Yes, and I need help! You see, my little brother, Liam and I got attacked by a Shadrin.

Richard: Whut?

Zedd: A big, scary monster.

Lily: Yes... and it did this to me! *Pulls up dress, revealing bloody scars.*

Richard: Oh, could you pull your dress up just a bit higher... I'm having trouble seeing the wound.

Kahlan: *Is not amused.*

Lily: Anyway, I managed to escape but it still has my brother and nobody will help me!

Richard: It's okay, we'll help you.

*Back at mapmaker's store.*

Sebastian: Oh good, you're here.

Creepy Guy 3: Yes, and why do I want a stupid map? You know I don't know how to read maps!

Sebastian: Well, this map is easy to read and has a little yellow dot that shows where the seeker is.

CG 3: Aher! I shall grab it!

Sebastian: No, you need to give me moneys.

CG 3: Grr... *Hands over moneys.*

Sebastian: *Hands over map.*

*Back in forested area.*

Lily: This is where my brother was captured. I think the Shadrin took him over to these caves that are over there...

*They walk and come across a man with a broken wagon.*

Richard: Normally I'd take time out of my busy schedule to help a random stranger, but instead I'm going to continue helping this hot woman in hopes of getting some action tonight!

Man: Ah, but I am actually Creepy Man #3 and I shall capture you and get me some moneys! *Shoots arrows at Richard.*

Richard: Ah, but I have seen The Matix! *Dodges arrows in slow motion.*

*Two more creepy men show up. Richard and Kahlan manage to fight them off.*

CG 3: While you're distracted, I shall shoot more arrows!

Richard: Ah hellz no! *Blocks arrows with sword.*

CG 3: Mommy?

Kahlan: A ha! You have one of those fangirl maps! Where did you get it? And you better not lie for I am a Confessor and will suck out your soul.

CG 3: Sebastian the mapmaker.

Zedd: Okays, I'll deal with this mapmaker while you go help Lily's brother.

*At Sebastian's map shop.*

Another creepy guy with funky paint on his forehead (ACGFPF): This map will take me to the seeker? I just wanted a map to Candy Mountain!

Sebastian: Ah yes, but this map will lead you to the seeker who is worth more than all the candy at Candy Mountain. And it's one-of-a-kind!

ACGFPF: Sweet! *Hands over moneys, takes map and leaves.*

*Enter CG 1.*

CG 1: I think my map got stolen by a Richard fangirl. I need another.

Sebastian: Sorry but I'm out of ink. But if you have something else that belonged-

CG 1: What do you mean, no ink? You had plenty of ink! You must've made more maps. How many fangirls did you sell them to?

Sebastian: Okay! I just sold the last one to ACGFPF. Please don't hurt me...

CG 1: Grrr... I shall find this creepy guy with face paint! This town ain't big enough for another creepy guy...

*In a forest. Richard and Kahlan are following Lily.*

Kahlan: Oh look Richard, we're close to leaving the map's border. Maybe no crazy fangirls can find us now!

Richard: Yes, but I must help Lily's brother. It's been too long since my last night of 'fun.'

Kahlan: Oh Richard... this is a dumb idea.

Lily: Eeeek! *Runs into cave.*

*At mapmaker's shop.*

Sebastian: One thousand, three hundred and ninety-four... One thousand, three hundred and ninety-five. One thousand, three hundred and-

*Knock at door.*

Sebastian: We're closed! One thousand, three hundred and- darn it! I lost count. Now I have to start all over again!

Zedd: *Breaks in.* Good, you evil piece of scum! I found out about your secret map business and it displeases me greatly.

Sebastian: Whut? I'm just selling maps to Candy Mountain. Want one?

Zedd: I'm not stupid! I know Candy Mountain doesn't exist. And I have one of your stalker maps right here. Now if you don't tell me how many of these maps you made I will use my wizardly powers to make you dress up as a chicken and dance in front of this entire town!

Sebastian: Alright! I made three maps and just sold the last one!

Zedd: No D'Harans bought any, did they?

Sebastian: A ha ha ha... that's a good one. Stupid D'Harans steal my maps. They don't buy them...

Zedd: And yet you're helping them?

Sebastian: I need moneys to survive and feed my family.

Zedd: Well then. You are going to make me a map to track the last bounty hunter who bought your map.

Sebastian: Sorry. Gonna need something that belonged to him.

Zedd: You have his money. Use that.

*Inside cave.*

Richard: Lily... here Lily. Lily willy billy boo...

Kahlan: This is the most stu- Aaaah! *Falls down.*

Richard: Kahlan?

*Lily appears and bitch slaps Richard. She then loads him onto her wagon and chains his hands to the wagon's sides.*

Richard: Wow... this is getting kinda kinky. But I just now realized that as hot as you are, I only want to do this with Kahlan.

Lily: Yeah, I left that bitch back in the cave. The Shadrin's a myth so don't worry, sexy.

*In the deep, dark caverns of the cave.*

Kahlan: *Wakes up.* ZOMG! I'm surrounded by skeletons! That's it- no more getting drunk with Zedd. Well, guess I might as well find a way out of here. *Trips and falls on top of a skeleton.*

AAAAAHHHHH! Oh look, I found a grappling hook!

Shadrin: Boo.

Kahlan: AAAAAA!! *Runs away. Finds an area where she can use the grappling hook to climb away to safety.*

*Outside the cave.*

Kahlan: Yay I'm out of there. RICHARD! I am going to kill you for leaving me alone in there! *Gets out stalker map.*

*In another forested area.*

ACGFPF: *Has out map.* I shall capture the seeker!

CG 1: That's my map, bitch!

ACGFPF: I challenge thee to a duel!

*They fight. Map falls out of ACGFPF's hands. They both run towards it and grab it at the same time, thereby ripping it.*

CG 1: Yes! He's on my half of the map!

ACGFPF: A ha! He's on my half now, sucka!

CG 1: Grrr...

*They chase each other on horseback.*

*Richard and Lily arrive at D'Haran fort thing.*

Lily: I have the seeker. But first, you're going to go tell your general person thing to meet me at this one place and that I don't want the bounty. I want something else...

*They head off to this one place.*

Richard: Why don't you want moneys?

Lily: I want my brother. He was arrested by the D'Harans for stealing. It was I who stole but he took the blame. Stealing is the only way we can get food.

Richard: Unshackle me and go back and get Kahlan. We'll help get your brother.

Lily: I don't believe you.

*Back to Creepy Men.*

ACGFPF: Why don't we just share the map and split the money.

CG 1: Okay.

ACGFPF: Agreed to that pretty quick? You're tricking me!

CG 1: WTF? You suggested it!

ACGFPF: Oh, right. Well, let's hop to it!

*Back to Lily and Richard. Kahlan appears. She leaps into their wagon.*

Kahlan: Richard's mine, you home wrecking bitch!

Lily: No, he's mine!

Richard: Ooo... I'd enjoy this fight if I wasn't shackled to a wagon hooked to runaway horses. Help!

Kahlan: Richard! *Jumps onto wagon and stops horses.* Are you okay?

Richard: Yeah...

Kahlan: Good! Now I get to yell at you for not listening to me when I said we shouldn't waste time helping this slut.

*Creepy guys appear.*

Creepy Guys: Ha ha! We have you now!

Lily: Don't trust the seeker! He's a trickster... Come to my side! You can have all the money for I just want my brother.

Zedd: Surprise! *Uses magic to knock out creepy guys.* Cool, now we have all three maps. Yet fangirls and bounty hunters are still after you, Richard. We shall depart!

Richard: No, I think we should still help Lily's brother.

Kahlan: What? Richard you're so stupid!

*Richard and Kahlan spend a good time arguing. Kahlan gives in. They all go to the meeting place.*

General: So where's the seeker?

Lily: This map will take you straight to him. But first, I want to see my brother.

General: Very well.

*Two men take her to a dungeon and throw her in with her brother.*

Lily: Bastards!

Liam: Hi Lily! It was pretty stupid of you to come after me cuz now we're both gonna die. Oh well, at least we won't die alone!

Lily: No worries! I am a woman and us women always keep a bobby pin hidden in our hair. I shall use it to pick the lock because all locks in this time period suck. Now let's go!

*Richard and Kahlan enter this jail place and attack soldiers. Lily joins them in killing them off.*

*Back in the deep, dark caves. The general and soldiers are looking for the seeker.*

General: There he is! There's the- wait. You're just two creepy guys tied up. You're not the seeker. We've been tricked!

*Zedd is outside the cave. He uses magic to block the entrance so that the D'Harans and bounty hunters inside can never escape.*

*Back in a forest.*

Richard: That was a great idea giving the General that map that leads to the bounty hunters.

Lily: Yeah, I'm smart like that. Thanks for helping my brother even though I was a complete bitch to you. Bye!

*And then Lily devoted all her time travelling around the world to spread the story of how she caught the seeker and was only thrown in jail for it. The End.*


	4. Brennidon

*A long line of people are waiting to see Kahlan. Two men are arguing over an animal they killed.*

Hunter 1: My arrow ran through it!

Hunter 2: No, mine did!

Kahlan: I can see you two have no idea what you're talking about, so just give the meat to some starving hobo who needs it way more than you do.

Both hunters: What a great idea!

Richard: Wtf? I wanna get going!

Zedd: Stop whining! These people need Kahlan to help settle their disputes because Jerry Springer won't travel this far.

Richard: Well how does she know who's telling the truth?

Zedd: Kahlan is experienced in micro-expressions. She studied with The Lightman Group years back.

*Enter another hunter person thing.*

Hunter Person Thing: Hey Richard! We're gonna go hunting! Wanna come?

Richard: Hell yeah! Get me out of this boring place.

Zedd: No, you can't go!

Richard: Wtf?! I'm twenty-something!

Zedd: You're the seeker now. Being on your own is too dangerous.

Richard: But I'll be with these guys!

Sylvia: Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander! Zomg! I missed you so much. All those night we spent alone. In the dark. With the doors locked. Good times...

Zedd: Sylvia! Heh heh, that was fun!

Richard: Wow this is getting kinda creepy. I'm gonna go with my new bffs, kay?

Zedd: Okay, where are you going?

Hunter: Somewhere East.

Zedd: Well, I know something is going to go wrong and you'll desperately need my help but go ahead.

*So Richard and his new friends chase an imaginary stag aimlessly until they end up near a small town.*

Richard: What's that town?

Friend: Brennidon.

Richard: Brennidon? Zedd says I was born there.

Friend: You should totally, like, go visit there and try finding your parents and stuff. It would be loads of fun.

Richard: Well, I really shouldn't. But I guess it wouldn't hurt to look around.

Friends: Yeah, we'll leave you to do this alone. Because, it's not like you're the seeker and therefore in mortal danger, you know.

Richard: Okay!

*Richard attempts to enter Brennidon's gate.*

Man: Name please?

Richard: Uhh... Ronald McDonald.

Man: You're not on the list!

Richard: Wtf?

Man: You can't get in unless you're on the list, now leave!

Richard: Dammit.

*So Richard manages to sneak on a hay wagon to get into the small town. Because nobody ever checks the bottom of hay wagons for people trying to sneak in.*

Richard: Wtf? This town is just like all the others I've been to. I risked getting in trouble for this?

*Enter D'Haran person dragging a woman and shouting about stuffs.*

Richard: Wow! This looks interesting...

D'Haran Person: This woman is speaking out against our form of government! This is not America! Now we shall show you what we do to people who speak their minds!

Richard: I do not approve of this sort of behavior. Thus, I interfere! LET HER GO!

D'Haran Person: Hey! You're not on the list. SECURITY!

Richard: *Pulls out his sword.* FEAR MY GLOWING SWORD OF DOOM!

Crowd: *gasp* The Seeker lives!

Rabid Richard Fangirl: ZOMG! I wanna haz ur babaiies...

Sane Richard Fangirl: I just want your autograph. Maybe a picture...

Richard: Nooo! Unwanted attention! *Frees Woman 1 and runs away.*

Woman 2: Here! Come in my house.

Richard: Thanks, but why are you helping me?

Woman 2: Because I was there the night that Wizard took you away.

Richard: Zomg! You're my mother?

Woman 2: ... Yes.

*And then all the Sword of Truth fans began crying and ranting about how the books have been brutally raped by the show's producers. Well, for the first time during this episode, anyway.*

*We now go to a scene where a D'Haran General is talking to two local D'Haran soldiers.*

General: You have failed to find the Seeker! Do you know what Lord Rahl is going to do to us for letting him slip through our grasp? I refuse to dress up as a woman and publicly recite the annual obituaries again. I just won't do it!

Soldier: Don't worry, there's no way he could have left town. Why, right this minute the houses are being searched without consent.

General: Hurray for no Bill of Rights!

*Back to Mother's house.*

Mother: Your real name is Owen. I see you were raised by people with better parenting skills than me. I wouldn't have spoken out like you did.

Richard: But... she was gonna get killed.

Mother: Yes, but we're all terrified of Darken Rahl and his ninja assassins. You wouldn't believe the things they can do with nunchucks. But now that you're here, maybe you can liberate this town and overthrow our D'Haran oppressors!

*Enter Mark.*

Mark: The Seeker's in town! But he should be dead. Wtf?

Mother: Yes, he's right there. Say hello to Richard!

Richard: Hi brother! I hope you're nicer than my last brother...

*Back at camp with Zedd and co.*

Sylvia: Oh Zeddikins, I've missed you oh so much. You are so exciting. But guess what? You're a Daddy! Oh Ellard! Alord? Eller?

*Enter an adolescent boy.*

Sylvia: Look Elord, it's Daddy!

Zedd: Elard? How do you spell that?

Sylvia: Zedd, this is your son!

Zedd: What?! I have no son!

Sylvia: But he is your son! Look- he's white just like you!

Zedd: Noooo!!! I use magical condoms! There's no way I can have a son! And I'll prove it! Hey Kahlan, let's play Jerry Springer!

*Back to Mother's house.*

Mark: Wtf? We're gonna get in trouble for this!

Mother: Mark, stfu and hide Richard.

*Mark and Richard leave the house just as D'Haran's break in.*

Mother: La la la la la..... There's no Seeker here. Search all you want.

Mark: Hey Richard, you'll be safe hiding in this shady-looking cellar.

Richard: Why thank you!

Mark: *Locks door.* Ha ha, I'm telling everyone you're in here!

Richard: Whut? Nooo! This makes you a bigger dick than Michael! Oh well. I guess I'll use this as a chance to show the world how clever I am! *makes a small fire to burn the lock off- which proves successful. He then bitch slaps a soldier and proceeds to jack his shit.*

*And now back to Kahlan Springer!*

Kahlan: Was there any other man you had sex with?

Sylvia: Well, just one time.

Crowd: Oooooooooooo

Zedd: What? You cheated on me? You mother *#$%* ^* slut!

Sylvia: Me? You're denying your son! You are his Daddy!

Zedd: Am not! You whore.

Sylvia: You just don't want to pay child support, asshole!

Zedd: Oh hellz no, trailer trash bitch!

Crowd: *Chanting* Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Zedd: *Grabs chair and throws it at Sylvia. It misses and hits an audience member instead.*

Crowd: *Cheers.*

Kahlan: Settle down. I SAID SETTLE DOWN! *Crowd obeys.* Thank you. Okay Zedd, are you Alard's father?

Zedd: No! Haven't you been listening to me? I USE CONDOMS!

Kahlan: Everytime?

Zedd: Well...

Crowd: Boooooo

Kahlan: Tell the truth.

Zedd: I can't in front of everyone!

Kahlan: Leave.

Crowd and Sylvia: Grrr... *leaves.*

Kahlan: Alright, when did you not use a condom?

Zedd: *Sigh*

*Back to D'Haran group.*

General: Dammit! Now where did that pesky Seeker run off to?

Soldier: I bet the same person who hid him before is hiding him again! Probably his mother.

Other Soldier: But who's that?

General: We shall find out!

*Back to Richard, dressed up as an officer with a hood hiding his face.*

D'Haran: Hey! What are you doing?

Richard: Oh, I'm stationed to look out for the Seeker. You can go back to your business now.

D'Haran: No, we have new orders. We're taking all the mothers who had first-born sons out to the middle of town. We're going to get the Seeker to come out of hiding!

Richard: Well this sucks...

*And now back to Kahlan Springer.*

Kahlan: I have the results of the DNA test and...

Crowd: *In suspense.*

Kahlan: We will have the answers after this commercial break!

Crowd: Awwwww!

Woman Announcer: Are you tired of always scrubbing? Is your usual cleaner a rip-off? Well try oxiclean!

Darken Rahl: What the fuck is this shit? Where's Billy Mays?

Loyal Follower: He's dead, my Lord.

Darken Rahl: WHAT?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO........

*And then Darken Rahl dropped to his knees and cried like an emo bitch.*

Kahlan: Hello everybody, welcome back to Kahlan Springer! And now for the results... Drum roll please!

*Drummer: *Drum rolls.*

Kahlan: Zedd is NOT Ellard's father!

Zedd: YES!!! In you're face, slut!

Sylvia: Whut? He was hiding something!

Kahlan: Yes, but it has nothing to do with your little fling. And see you next time on Kahlan Springer!

*Back at Brennidon.*

D'Haran General: Alright whores! All I want is the Seeker. Now whoever has him, give him to me so I can go back to eating bonbons while watching Kahlan Springer!

Mother: Darken Rahl is a pussy! He's too afraid to face the Seeker as a grown man so he sent people to slaughter innocent children. And if we betray the Seeker, all those babies died for nothing!

Crowd: Yeah!

Mother: And I am the Seeker's mother! You'll never find him.

Woman 1: NOOO! The Seeker is my child! She's just protecting me.

Woman 2: No, he's my son!

Woman 3: No, MINE!

*Every woman starts shouting that they gave birth to the Seeker. This, obviously, pisses off the General.*

General: ARREST THEM ALL! Now if the Seeker doesn't turn himself in by nightfall, I will kill a woman and then kill another for every hour he doesn't show up!

Richard: *Is standing in the crowd.* Wow, I have my hood down and everything and they don't even notice me! Dumbasses...

*Nighttime at Mother's house.*

Richard: Mark, I have an idea to save our mother.

Mark: Yes, because all of your ideas are just so perfect and foolproof! Just go turn yourself in already.

Richard: *Gives long, epic speech on why Mark should follow Richard's plan, the sacrifices Mother made, and the evils of the D'Harans.*

Mark: Alright! If it will shut you up, I'll go along with your plan. Whatever it may be.

*So Mark and Richard hold hands and skip merrily to the D'Harans to turn Richard in.*

Mark: I found the Seeker! He makes me sick. You should hear his speeches. *Shudders.*

General: Good job! You get a cookie!

Richard: Let the women go!

General: No.

Mother: I'm his real mother! Please!

Mark: She's telling the truth. She's my mother but I hate her guts for betraying Brennidon. Stupid betch. I disown her.

General: Welcome to the dark side. Have another cookie! And now I shall show that there is at least a heart in my chest by releasing all the other women. But your Mother shall die with the Seeker.

Mark: All I ask for is that I can watch at your side.

General: Granted. It shall happen tomorrow at midday.

*Back to Zedd and Kahlan's campsite.*

Hunter: We hath returned with rabbit! We never did catch that imaginary stag though.

Zedd: Where's Richard?

Hunter: Whut? He's not back from Brennidon?

Zedd: BRENNIDON?!? You guys went East!

Hunter: Yeah, but we got lost. And Richard's a curious beaver.

Kahlan: Darken Rahl probably has people waiting for Richard to go to Brennidon!

Zedd: Grumble grumble... Let's be off!

*Thus, Zedd and Kahlan gallop off to Brennidon to save Richard's ass.*

Zedd: Why is there a crowd?

D'Haran: Because the Seeker has been captured and is being executed.

*Enter Richard being led to chopping block.*

General: Bitches, watch this man die! And then I'll kill his Mother. With the Sword of Truth!

Mark: I don't think so! *Stabs.*

Crowd: *gasp*

Richard: FOOD FIGHT!

*Crowd randomly starts throwing food at the D'Harans.*

Zedd: What the? Oh Richard! You're hands are tied behind your back and you're too far away from me for me to untie them. Hey... why don't I shoot some fire at it?

Richard: YES! There's no way that could hurt me!

Zedd: *Shoots fire that unbinds hands yet leaves Richard unscathed.*

Richard: Sweet! Now I can fight!

Kahlan: And I'll join you!

*Epic sword fight lasts for a good five minutes until all D'Harans are killed off. Then, Richard walks up the platform. Like how Simba walked up Pride Rock after defeating Scar. Not joking.*

Richard: Wow... I really don't want to be biting off The Lion King too much. Therefore, instead of roaring, I shall hold up my sword!

Zedd: Okay, break it up crowd. I need to shout at Richard for not obeying my orders!

Richard: I'm sowwy. But I found my Mommy!

Zedd: Your Mom is alive?

Richard: Yeah, she's right there!

Zedd: Bridgett?

Bridgett: Richard, I love you. But I'm not your mother.

*And then all the book fans rejoiced at this news and started to think that maybe there is hope for this show after all.*

Bridgett: I was the midwife when you were born. And I was there when Zedd took you away. I didn't mean to lie- it just came out. You remind me of my son that the D'Harans killed.

Richard: Then... where's my mother?

Bridgett: I don't know... she just up and disappeared.

Zedd: Well, time to go!

*They leave Brennidon.*

Richard: Someday I'm gonna find my Mother and have a family again. *Gallops away.*

Kahlan: Zedd, why don't you tell him?

Zedd: Because he'll risk his own life for my own safety. I know how protagonists can get. They'll risk their lives for the ones they love most. Thus, Richard can never know that I'm his Grandfather! At least not until all this mess is over and we can be a proper family, anyway.


	5. Listener

Author of This Parody: Hurr... I could have sworn that this was episode six, but all other sources say this is episode five... Anyways, sorry it took me so to write it. I have a lot going on right now. The next episode might take me awhile to write too. Hope you enjoy this one!

*View of pretty scenery. D'Harans marching through with their shiny weapons and shields and shit.*

*Enter Richard, Kahlan, and Zedd, stalking them behind giant boulders and trees.*

Kahlan: They're Darken Rahl's super special army, Draconian or something like that.

Zedd: They're never far from Darken Rahl. If we stalk them, soon enough we shall meet up with Darken Rahl.

Draconian General Thing: How much?

Peddler: Ooo... it'll cost you oodles of money! After all, there is only one of it in the world!

General: Well, I need to see this for myself. Make sure you're not ripping me off like every other peddler I've met.

Peddler: Grumble grumble... *Opens doors to wagon and pulls out a young boy on a chain.*

Richard: Oh my God! He's GINGER!

General: I need to make sure this child is legit. Tell me boy, what am I thinking about?

Boy: Nothing. You have no brain!

General: Hmm... lucky guess. Now tell me something about my men that I don't know.

Boy: That man there is on the Seeker's side. He hopes to kill Darken Rahl himself.

General: Take him away!

Zedd: That boy is a Listener. He can read minds. We'd call him a mind-reader but a mind-reader doesn't sound as original as Listener.

Richard: I don't approve of this behavior, thus I-

Kahlan: No! They're not going to hurt him. Darken Rahl wants him too much. We should follow them, and they will lead us to Darken Rahl. Then, you can kill him and save this child and the rest of the world.

Richard: No, that's too rational. I think I'm going to interfere now instead.

Zedd: *Grabs Richard.* No! I'm a wizard, dammit and I say we can both free the boy while following these men! Now I shall dye my hair black and grow a beard so they won't know I'm the great wizard Zorander.

Richard: That won't fool anyone! But... wtf?

Zedd: You see this gold dodecahedron? Well, I'm not gonna tell you what it does because I want it to be a surprise to the audience. But it will be used...

*Nighttime. D'Haran soldiers are chilling by a campfire when a gold dodecahedron comes falling from the sky, emitting what looks like miniature versions of the guy from Scream.*

Random D'Haran: *gasp* Shadow People!

*Enter Zedd. He shoots a blast of Wizard's fire at the Shadow People. The D'Harans see him as a saviour.*

General: And who might you be?

Zedd: Rack the Great, Wizard of the First Order.

General: Rack?

Zedd: The author couldn't hear what I was saying. Anyways, I've been tracking down those monsters for days. Creatures from the Underworld are escaping or something. I really don't know. So what's your name?

General: Captian Nash Gar. The author is a moron who can't tell the difference between a General and a Captain. She also probably misheard my name too.

Zedd: I see you're with Draconian- nice.

General Captain Thing: It's Dragon Corps.

Zedd: Oh. Well anyway, I'm hoping to meet Lord Rahl so that I can serve him. What do you think? Can you hook me up?

Captain: Well, you could be a spy but luckily, I caught a magical ginger kid who can tell if you're against us.

*Man opens the back of the wagon only to find it empty.*

Man: Wtf? He's gone!

Captain: FIND HIM!

*Switch to Richard, running with the kid in his arms, hand covering his mouth. He suddenly drops him.*

Richard: It's okay Ginger. We're on your side!

Boy: DON'T CALL ME GINGER! *kicks Richard's nuts.*

Richard: Ow.

*Richard chases the boy straight to a dead end.*

Richard: If you run, they'll just catch you again.

Boy: So what? They take good care of me. And I'll get my own room in a castle! But you, Seeker, oh... you don't want to know what they'll do to you. What do you even want me for?

Kahlan: Where's your parents?

Boy: My mom's dead and they took me away from my father.

Kahlan: Okay, we're taking you home.

*Back to Zedd and D'Harans.*

D'Haran: Wtf? I can't track the kidnapper.

Captain: Well take some more men and search! Lord Rahl is gonna be pissed...

Zedd: Well, maybe showing up with me will please him.

Captain: Doubt it.

*Morning.*

Richard: Are we there yet?

Boy: I think so. I do recall climbing that tree... Hey! There's my house!

*They run down a hill and meet a man chopping wood.*

Boy: Hey... you're not my father!

Kahlan: Do you know where the previous house owners went?

Man: Sorry, I don't.

Richard: Renn? What's wrong.

Renn: I just read his mind. I wasn't kidnapped. My father sold me!

*Away from the house.*

Kahlan: We should go to Zedd. We have a chance to get close to Rahl!

Richard: But what will we do with Renn?

Kahlan: We'll take him to an orphanage run by the Sisters of Light-

Spoiler Alert Man: *Pops up.* **Spoiler Alert for Stone of Tears! **(Book 2.)

Kahlan: -It'll only take three days to get there. I mean, it's not like we _have_ to have the Sisters of Light living off in a far away land, you know. It's not like there's any villains more evil than Rahl that you stupidly unleash by bringing down a three thousand year old boundary- all because you were trapped in the Old World with no other way to escape. Yes, Richard, by stating this I just ruined any logical explanation of the next big villain taking over the New World.

*And then all the Sword of Truth fans cried and ranted about how the shows producers have raped the books again- and how they are Sisters of _the _Light. And how Kahlan is supposed to be suspicious of them and Zedd hates them. Yeah, the rant goes on like that. (Side note: This is probably the biggest book rape in all of season one.)*

Spoiler Alert Man: **End of Spoiler Alert.**

Kahlan: Oh crap! All of this ranting has kept us distracted from watching Renn! Where'd he go?

*Back to Zedd. He's leaving a trail of magical flowers with his walking stick.*

Traitor: Yo momma's so stupid she stayed up all night studying for her blood test!

Captain: *Whips him.* Don't you be talking about my mother like that! Now let's stop and rest here.

Zedd: *Secretly uses magic to unlock the traitor's shackles.*

Traitor: Wtf? Cool! *Steals horse and runs away.*

Captain: STOP HIM!

*The men start shooting arrows at him, others run.*

Captain: Wtf? Why are you just standing there?

Zedd: I'm trying to conjure up a huge spell which takes awhile.

*Suddenly the traitor and his horse freeze. This stunt pleases the Captain.*

Captain: Wow... Lord Rahl's gonna be real pleased with me! He might even let me sleep inside!

*We now go over to Renn, who is gambling in a bar.*

Man: Do you have any fives?

Renn: Go fish. Do you have any sevens?

Man: How the hell did you know I have a seven? YOU'RE CHEATING!

*Richard and Kahlan burst through the door and grab Renn just in time.*

Renn: Wtf? I won moneys!

Kahlan: Yeah, by cheating!

Renn: I don't want to go to some orphanage for weirdos! You can't boss me around. I'm eight years old!

Richard: Stfu whiny punk! Now we are taking you to the Sisters of Light where you can be trained so that we can meet up with Zedd and kill Darken Rahl!

*Renn bites Richard, then tries to get away.*

Richard: Oh, you're gonna be like that then. Well then I'll tie you up like a pig on a stick!

Renn: Noooo!

Kahlan: Nooo!

Richard: Whut?

Kahlan: DON'T BIND HIM!

Richard: Fine. Then if Renn misbehaves, I'll tell that gambler how you cheated him. That better?

Renn: Okays.

Richard: Here's some food, Renn. We don't have time to get a fire started so you'll have to eat this gross slop of grossness.

Renn: Hell no! I want pheasant with blackberry sauce.

Richard: Who doesn't?

Renn: I saw pheasants and blackberries long back.

Richard: We're not going all the way back to hunt pheasants!

Renn: If we don't then I'll have to tell Kahlan where her missing pairs of underwear are.

Richard: Crap.

*So Richard goes back to hunt pheasants and pick blackberries. This makes Renn very happy. And sleepy.*

Renn: I think I'm gonna take a nap now.

Richard: No- we're leaving.

Renn: I don't think so.

Kahlan: Richard went through so much trouble cooking food. We lost enough time and it's very important that we keep moving!

Renn: Want to know where your missing underwear is?

Richard: Renn! STFU AND GET YOUR LAZY ASS UP!

Renn: *Screams super loud. D'Harans nearby hear.*

Kahlan: STOP IT! We don't know who's nearby!

*D'Harans make noise in a distance.*

Richard: Crap.

*They flee as D'Harans find their dinner plates. Kahlan shoves Renn up a tree. Richard is hiding in a tree. He jumps and lands on top of a D'Haran. Cue epic sword fight. Richard gets stabbed in the end causing Kahlan to freak out over his bleeding arm.*

Kahlan: Richard! Let me fix you!

*Nighttime around a campfire.*

Renn: I'm not worth dying for. Why'd you save me?

Richard: Can't you read my mind for the answer?

Renn: Yes, but I don't get it. You don't want to defeat Darken Rahl for power or gold. Why do you want him gone? Nobody else is like you!

Richard: Yeah, there's others. You've never met any because only wicked people buy children to use them against other wicked people.

Renn: What are the Sisters of Light like?

Kahlan: They're wonderful and kind and loving and they're the best people in the world!

*And book fans everywhere face-palm at that remark.*

Renn: It's not right for me. I'm a bad person.

Richard: You're not bad. Just emo.

Renn: You don't understand! People have died because of things I've read in people's minds.

Richard: No one gave you a choice.

Renn: What happened to you was just as bad.

Richard: Whut?

Kahlan: Nothing.

Richard: Tell me!

Kahlan: *Sigh.* My mother put my father under her control and then my mom died which freed her hold on him-

Book Fan: What the fuck is this shit?! Her father dropped over dead when her mother died!

Kahlan: - So father came to get me and my sister and forced us to use our power so he can get what he wanted. It was horrible! And when we wouldn't obey him he'd tie us up.

Book Fans: We're not even gonna comment on this change...

Richard: That's so horrible! That story just killed all my fantasies about tying you up...

Kahlan: And when I was eleven, a Confessor found us and took us to the Sisters of Light. They were, like, my parents!

Richard: I thought you were studying at the Wizard's Keep in Aydindril when you were young.

Kahlan: You're thinking of the books.

Richard: Oh. Right.

Book Fans: *Face-palm.*

*So they all go night-night. Later on, Richard is keeping watch at the campfire. Renn suddenly jerks awake.*

Richard: It's okay.

Renn: I'm such a spoiled brat. Why don't you hate me?

Richard: Because I used to be a spoiled brat too.

Renn: Why don't you tell Kahlan you like her?

Richard: It's... complicated.

Renn: No, you're just scared she doesn't feel the same way. But she does.

Richard: But... why won't she tell me?

Renn: Idk. Something about hurting you with her powers.

Kahlan: *wakes up.* Why aren't you lying down?

Richard: Well obviously I'm keeping watch to make sure D'Harans or other bad people don't ambush us while we're sleeping, but I'm just gonna say I'm not tired.

Renn: And I just can't sleep.

Kahlan: You really need to sleep. So I'm going to sing you a little lullaby.

*Next morning.*

Renn: Why can't I just chill with you guys? Why do I have to go to the Sisters of Light?

Kahlan: Because going on a quest to kill Darken Rahl is a lot more dangerous than a Catholic school version of Hogwarts.

Renn: But I'll be a big help!

Richard: We don't want you near Rahl.

*Back to Zedd and co.*

Traitor: I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes!

Captain: *Whips him.*

Traitor: I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes!

Captain: *Whips him.*

Traitor: I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves-

Captain: SHUT THE BLOODY FUCK UP! *Shoves him onto the ground.* That is it! I'm going to kill you right now to show everyone how bad ass I am!

*Back to Richard and co. Two men ride up to them on a horse.*

Renn: Dad!

Father: I can't believe I found you! Zomg!

Kahlan: We know you sold him, dick face.

Father: Wha? Me sell my own son? That's a rumor! Renn, read my mind to see the truth.

Renn: Yeah, he's telling the truth.

Father: Thanks so much for your help! Come on son, lets go!

*They depart.*

Richard: Well that made our lives easier. Let's go to Zedd!

*Renn and his Father meet up with some D'Harans.*

Father: Lookie what I gots!

D'Haran: Yay!

Renn: Doesn't matter. I was planning on working for the D'Harans anyway.

Father: Well, goodbye son. You bloody freak! *Leaves son to the D'Harans, who give him pheasant with blackberry sauce.*

*Kahlan and Richard.*

Richard: What are you thinking?

Kahlan: I dunno. What are you thinking?

Richard: I dunno. What are you thinking?

Kahlan: You don't want to know what I'm thinking.

Richard: Well maybe you don't want to know what I'm thinking.

Kahlan: Fair enough.

Richard: I'm thinking we shouldn't have let Renn go.

Kahlan: But he read his Father's thoughts.

Richard: Dammit! I am the Seeker and my instincts tell me that that man was hiding something!

Kahlan: Alright, let's go back!

*They run off.*

*Switch to Traitor. He's tied to a tree with a gag in his mouth. A D'Haran prepares to chop off his head.*

Zedd: STOP!

Captain: Whut?

Zedd: He's under a spell. Whoever kills him comes to harm. Probably death.

Captain: You do know that I don't care about my men's lives, right? Proceed with it!

Zedd: *Uses magic to change Traitor into crow. He flies away. The crow, not Zedd.*

Captain: Wtf? You did this!

Zedd: What? I told you he was spelled!

Captain: I'm not stupid! Bind his hands!

*Back to Richard and Kahlan, running. They come across Renn's father.*

Richard: Where's the Ginger?

Father: No concern of yours.

Richard: I shall pull out my sword and challenge thee to a duel!

*Father attempts to run off but Richard uses his sword to cut the saddle off the horse. The Father falls to the ground and Richard finds his money bag.*

Richard: You sold him!

Father: I'm only his step-father! And everyone knows step-parents are evil!

Kahlan: You just pissed me off. Thus, I use my power on you!

Richard: No, he's not worth it. Let's go.

*So Richard and Kahlan run off and find Zedd's magical trail of flowers. And now back to Renn.*

Captain: Hello Listener! Nice to see you back.

Renn: Cut the small talk! What do you want from me? Oh wait... why am I asking? Can't I just read your mind to find the answer?

Captain: Tell me about this Wizard!

Renn: He is a spy who wants to kill Darken Rahl. But guess who he's working for?

Captain: The Seeker!

Renn: No! That guy! *points to D'Haran standing next to him.*

D'Haran: Wha? No! I swear I've never even met the Wizard!

Renn: Yeah, he didn't need to meet him. That guy organized it!

D'Haran 2: Whut?

Captain: He's been my friend since childhood. We spent so many hours playing ponies and having tea parties together! He would never betray me!

Renn: Oh yeah? Well why don't you ask him what he was doing with your wife while you were on vacation last month!

Captain: Sonuva- *Bitch smacks D'Haran 2.*

Renn: Still no good! You gotta do the same to that guy, that guy, that guy, and that horse. They're all plotting with the Wizard!

*So all the D'Harans get confused and start sword-fighting with each other. Renn uses this as an opportunity to untie Zedd. He struggles and just as the Captain sees this, Richard and Kahlan show up. Epic sword fight ensues. Just as the Captain has Richard pinned, Zedd gets his hands free and shoots fire at the Captain. Then, all the D'Harans have been done away with, leaving our heroes to reunite with one another.*

Kahlan: Oh Renn! You're okay! Why did you leave with your father?

Renn: Cuz he'd kill you if I didn't.

*Then they all head off to the Sisters of Light.*

Kahlan: Look at this giant rocky wall! We're here guys. No crazy, magical boundaries to cross. No special sorcerers to show us the way. No human sacrifices to make peace with savages. Nope! All I gotta do is say the password and ring a little bell!

*A woman shows up and hugs Kahlan as a bunch of little munchkins pop out from some bushes.*

Woman: Renn! We've been looking forward to meeting you!

Renn: How'd you know?

Woman: Nathan- I mean, Henry. Henry told us. He sees the future.

Kahlan: This is it. Bye Renn, I'll miss you!

Renn: Miss you too. And Richard, I'm sorry for kicking you in the nuts.

Richard: That's okay. Now you better hurry up!

*As the wall slams shut, a crow appears and magically turns into the traitor.*

Traitor: Sorry I doubted you, Wizard. I really need to get back home now but I have to tell you to go to Calabra. That's where they're going next. Although I think that's what would make this episode six, instead of five. But for some reason this is episode five. Yeah, it's weird. Well... Bye!

Zedd: Calabra it is then. Except it's a city buried upon ruins. How we get there is a mystery to be solved in the episode after the next episode!


	6. Elixir

*Enter a juicy, green apple floating in mid-air. A sword suddenly chops it in half. We then see Richard chopping a lot of floating fruits with his sword. He is shirtless, which makes all of his fangirls squee uncontrollably. We then see Zedd lying down, enjoying some of this chopped fruit.*

Richard: Am I done yet?

Zedd: No, I'm gonna throw something more challenging at you.

*Another piece of fruit appears in mid-air. Zedd chants some funky phrase to make it invisible.*

Zedd: Try that.

Richard: Wtf? You're weird!

Zedd: Rahl's followers are a crafty bunch. In fact, I shall use the power of foreshadowing to tell you that there is a slight possibility of you having to deal with an invisible foe. Now chop me some more fruit, bitch!

Richard: Grumble grumble... *Starts slicing at nothing.*

Zedd: You look ridiculous. Perceive the world like no one else!

Richard: Holy crap face! I see the melon! *Slices the now visible melon.*

Zedd: Good job! But foes are gonna be a lot harder...

*We now view our beloved Richard on his way to a river. He is about to get ready to bathe when a certain, naked beauty distracts him.*

Richard: Ooohhh.... naked Kahlan! Too bad all that foliage conveniently covers all of the naughty spots. Dammit.

Kahlan: Zomg Richard!!! *Quickly grabs cover to hide what was already hidden by plant-life.*

Richard: Wow... this is awkward. I was just... doing some bird watching! Yeah! I saw a blue-footed booby... Uhh... You have nice skin.

Kahlan: Richard! Somebody is stealing our horses!

Richard: Wha? Oh! *Runs after horse thief.*

*In a long, crazy attempt to stop the horse thief, Richard fails. Zedd and Kahlan catch up.*

Zedd: How could you let someone steal the horses? Some Seeker you are!

Richard: I was distracted...

Zedd: By what?!

Kahlan: Awkward...

Richard: He was an adolescent! I'm not killing a poor, angst- ridden adolescent boy!

Zedd: Grumble grumble... *Keeps walking.*

Richard: Oh, um... Kahlan. I saw nothing- back at that river. Yeah.

Kahlan: Silly Richard. You shouldn't lie to a Confessor...

*We now switch over to the angst-ridden adolescent boy, attempting to sell the horses.*

Boy: How much?

Buyer: One vial.

Boy: Wtf? Rip-off artist! But I'll take it.

*The buyer gives the boy a vial containing a magical potion. The boy walks over to a lady selling flowers.*

Boy: Hi Miranda, you sexy beast.

Miranda: Eww you're creepy! *Continues her flower business.*

Boy: *Drinks potion.* Miranda!

Miranda: Ooo... you're sexy! *Makes out with boy.* Wait... what am I doing? GET AWAY FROM MEH!!! *Flees.*

Boy: Dammit.

*At a tavern. Richard is conversing with a bar woman.*

Bar Woman: Oh this town is full of thieves. Anyone could've taken them. Here, have a beer!

Richard: Yay! Free beer! *Gulps it down.*

*Kahlan and Zedd appear.*

Richard: Any luck?

Kahlan: Nope.

Zedd: Oh Kahlan, you should probably confess them all to see if any of them are lying.

Richard: You can do that?!

Kahlan: Yes, but it''ll take me all week. You see Richard, after using my power once I need a lot of time to recover from it. But instead of letting the non-book audience know this, I'm just going to stand here silently.

Richard: *Pulls a Raven Baxter and has a vision of the boy chucking rocks at a lake.* Oh my God! I just had a vision!

Zedd: Are you sure it's not from the beer?

Richard: I have a feeling he's this way!

*So a confused Zedd and Kahlan follow Richard to the boy!*

Kahlan: Damn!

Zedd: Well, there hasn't been a true Seeker in a thousand years. Who knows what else Richard can do.

Richard: Hey boy! Where's our horses?!

Boy: I no longer have them! But give me twenty gold pieces and I'll rat out the guy I sold them to.

Richard: Um, NO! Now tell me where they are before I use my sword to tickle you to death!

Boy: Noooo! The peddlers will kill me!

Richard: Whut?

Zedd: We have a Confessor.

Boy: Shit! I'll take you to them! *Takes them to them.*

Richard: Oi Peddlers! Give us back our horses!

Peddlers: No, we're gonna beat the crap out of you instead.

*Epic battle ensues. Kahlan confesses one, then drops to the ground in an attempt to show that she is uber weak from using her power. Confessed man starts fighting against the peddlers.*

Zedd: I shall blast everyone with Wizards Fire! *Attempts to blast man with Wizard's Fire but misses.*

Peddlers: Zomg! Wizard! *They flee.*

Zedd: Wow, if only I did that when we were trying to convince them to give us back our horses!

Bar Woman: Wow! I see you found the boy you were looking for. Glad to be a help.

Richard: Whut?

Bar Woman: I put in an elixir to give you that vision.

Richard: What? Nooooo!!! I thought I had super special powers! You just killed my self-esteem.

Bar Woman: Okay sexy, you know where to find me if you need to have more visions. Not that I'm foreshadowing any impending doom... *leaves.*

Zedd: Hey Richard, are you okay?

Richard: Yeah.

Random Guy: Zomg! I saw your sword! You're the Seeker!

Richard: How is it that whenever I pull out my sword people automatically recognize it as the Sword of Truth? Do you guys have no lives other than studying every single detail that makes my sword different than the average sword?

Random Guy: It has special markings.

Richard: So does the sword of Gryffindor but nobody calls me Godric Gryffindor. Though if I was Godric Gryffindor, more people will have heard of me. Hooray!

Random Guy: Wtf? Strange boy... Anyways, I know you're probably super busy being the Seeker and all but do you suppose you could help save this town?

*Next scene. A dark, dank dungeon. A man is looking at some papers. Another man walks in.*

Man 1: There's another Wizard! ZOMG!!!!

Man 2: Really? That's interesting... That's very interesting... Kidnap him! I've been lonely...

*Man 1 leaves to cause mischief while Man 2 starts writing crap down.*

*Back to Richard, Kahlan, Zedd, and Random Guy.*

Random Guy: Zomg! I can't believe I'm hanging out with the Seeker. This is so cool! Now you can save us from the evil magic peddlers!

Kahlan: What?! Hold up- They're selling magic?!

Random Guy: Yes! And I've been losing all my business from all this magic-selling business. I mean, who knew that a bunch of magical elixirs and spells would be such a big seller? That boy, Jack, was a good, kind soul. But his parents are crazy and gave up everything for this magic. Now he's left alone...

Zedd: Where are these peddlers getting this magic from?

RG: Idk! They just... showed up! Seeker, just help us!

*Zedd, Kahlan, and Richard leave the house.*

Richard: I wanna help but... Darken Rahl!

Zedd: Darken Rahl isn't the only evil in the world. I mean, there are people much more evil than him! Like, I've been reading this wonderful book called Wizard's First Rule and that villain is so bad ass! Much more evil than this wussy man with the temper of a two-year-old you're up against.

Richard: But... Darken Rahl is sexier than me!

*The man Kahlan confessed suddenly appears out of nowhere.*

Confessed: Oh my beautiful, sexy, wonderful, adorable, super-special lady! I am Rymus. How may I please you?

Kahlan: Hurr... You could come in handy! Now, tell me about those potions you sell.

Rymus: An old Prophet's Temple place thing. Oh, I'm sorry to say I sold your horses. Forgive me for I hath failed!!! But... I'll take you to the Temple myself!

Kahlan: No... Just draw us a map! Then, leave this village and take up honest work and be an honest man.

Rymus: Okay!

*So Kahlan, Richard, and Zedd all go off to this mysterious Temple of mysteriousness.*

Richard: Zedd... what did Kahlan do to that man?

Zedd: Kahlan touched him in a way that makes him follow her orders. Also, the confessed person falls in love with the confessor that confessed him.

Richard: Whut?

Zedd: This isn't my place to tell you. I'm sure over time, Kahlan will open up to you and tell you every little detail.

Richard: Okay! *Runs up to Kahlan.*

*Suddenly a vial comes flying from the sky, filling the area with a green mist. Richard and Kahlan fall to the ground as Zedd calls out their names. A random man appears, drinking an elixir. As Zedd tries using his magic against him, we see that the elixir has prevented the user from being harmed by magic. The man bitch-slaps Zedd to the ground. Other men appear.*

Man 1: R'Hada Han!

Man 2: What does this crazy contraption do?

Man 1: It'll prevent him from using magic. *Snaps collar around Zedd's neck.* This thing is so amazing... The wonderful, kind, caring Sisters of Light we heard so much about in the last episode use these to control their pupils. Oh wait- I better not say more. I don't want to exploit them!

*They leave. Kahlan and Richard wake up.*

Kahlan: Zomg! Where's Zedd? We have to find them!

Richard: Zomg! I found a little glass vial! Do you think this means anything?

Kahlan: Zydrate comes in a little glass vial...

Richard: A little glass vial?

Kahlan: A little glass vial! But seriously, I think that must be from the Peddlers...

Richard: Well, why are we standing around quoting Repo? Let's find them!

*So Richard and Kahlan go off into the temple. The inside is bare.*

Richard: Wtf?! Rymus lied to you!

Kahlan: Oh silly Richard.. That's impossible!

Richard: So they moved?

*We now are taken to the next scene which appears by some waterfall. We see Zedd and this other Wizard, who really shouldn't exist because the only three wizards left in the New World are... Oh, why bother wasting my time on this one?!*

Wizard: *Removes Zedd's collar.*

Zedd: Jessiah?

Jessiah: Zedd! It's been so long! When I heard there was a Wizard in town, I thought he might be working for Darken Rahl. I had no idea it was you!

Zedd: Where's my friends?!

Jessiah: They're okay. Sorry about all this. There's dark wizards and sorcerers everywhere hungry for money. Now tell me, where have you been all these years?

*Skipping over to Richard and Kahlan. Richard is inspecting the ground for any tracks.*

Richard: Nothing!

Kahlan: Must've used a spell.

Richard: This is all your fault for letting Rymus go! He could've helped!

Kahlan: You know, sometimes your words hurt! Anyways, when I confess somebody, they lose all free will. I hate making people become my slave- so I let them go and give them a chance to change. Anyways, your new gift of visions will help us find Zedd!

Richard: Yeah... about that... The Bar Woman slipped a potion into my drink. That's what gave me the vision. Hey... we could go back there and get some of that potion and it'll help us find Zedd!

Kahlan: No! Magic is never the answer, Richard. NEVER! We will find another way.

Richard: Wtf? You use magic!

Kahlan: Yeah, cuz I'm a creature of magic! Those potions are dangerous!

*Enter the Random Shopkeeper Guy.*

Random Guy: Richard! Kahlan! Jack's in trouble!

*Back to the Wizards.*

Zedd: And we've been on the road, eating carcasses, bathing in streams and wiping our asses with leaves. So, what would you have done to me if I wasn't Zedd?

Jessiah: I'll show you! *Pulls out a translucent, glowing blue statue.*

Zedd: A Quillion!

Jessiah: Yes, I would've used this to absorb your magic.

Zedd: But... it's glowing blue! Someone's magic is already in there! Wait... it would be glowing orange then. Why on earth is it blue?!

Jessiah: Oh Zedd... That's... Actually that is a good question!

Zedd: Wait a minute... You've been making magic for peddlers! Blasphemy!

Jessiah: Zedd... the money is going to raising a militia against the D'Harans.

Zedd: No! Selling magic goes against everything we believe in! You can't just... *blah blah blah blah blah... blah blah blah blah blah.*

Jessiah: Zedd... Stfu already! Magic is a magical thing that people are enjoying.

Zedd: *Blah blah blah magic blah blah precious blah blah blah bad blah blah blah drug market blah blah blah blah. Blah.*

Jessiah: Zedd! We can use the Quillion to drain magic out of Rahl's wizards and sorcerers. Come on, help me out!

Zedd: What?! I'm not helping you!

Jessiah: Okay, you asked for it! *Magically puts the R'Hada Han around Zedd's neck.* Take him away.

*So the men take Zedd away.*

*We are now back in the town where we see Jack getting beat up.*

Man: Give me the money!

Jack: I don't have any moneys!

Richard: I do not approve of this behavior. Thus, I interfere! KNOCK IT OFF!

Man: Okay, I'll knock it off! *Swings a giant branch towards Richard. Richard ducks, gets up and knocks out the man in less than six punches.*

Richard: I'm so strong... Now the rest of you- SCRAM!

*The rest of the men run off. Kahlan helps Jack to his feet.*

Richard: Okay Kahlan. I will now leave you to do your womanly duties of nursing a man back to help. K, bye.

Kahlan: Whut? NO! Richard! Don't even think about it!

Richard: Oh my God Kahlan... It's just one potion that will be used to save Zedd's life.

*Kahlan and Richard have a small lover's spat which ends with Richard getting his own way. He rushes over to the bar and finds the lady.*

Richard: I need more of that potion! But... I have no more moneys.

Bar Woman: Well, you can give me that necklace for it.

Richard: Wtf?! This is all I have left of my father! It means a lot to me!

Bar Woman: Well, that's all I want.

Richard: Fine then! *Hands over necklace.*

Bar Woman: *Hands over drink.*

*Richard has a vision of Zedd having his magic being drained from him.*

Richard: Zomg! Zedd's hurt. And in a cave. Where are there caves?

Bar Woman: There's dozens of them South of the Gully. You better hurry before that potion wears off.

Richard: *Flees*

*We now switch over to Kahlan, nursing Jack back to health.*

Jack: I'm sorry I stole your horses but I need the magic to get a girl to like me.

Kahlan: *Gives lecture on how making someone love you is wrong.*

*Enter Richard.*

Richard: I know where Zedd is!

*Richad and Kahlan run off. After awhile, the slow down to catch their breath.*

Richard: You're mad at me.

Kahlan: No I'm- *Trips and rolls down hill.*

Richard: Zomg! Are you okay?

Kahlan: Yes.

Richard: Anyways, this potion idea is going well. If you didn't listen to me, we'd still be wondering how to find Zedd!

*Richard is suddenly tackled and knocked out by Rymus.*

Rymus: I'll protect you my sweet Kahliboo!

Kahlan: Wtf?! Richard wasn't harming me. And I told you to leave!

Rymus: But... I love you too much! I must stay nearby!

Richard: *Slowly wakes up.* Rymus! *Jumps up and pulls out his sword.*

Kahlan: No! He thought he was protecting me!

Richard: Whatever. Let's find Zedd... Oh crap! I don't know which way! The potion wore off!

*Back to Zedd and friends.*

Jessiah: Pack up. As soon as the Quillion is done sucking out Zedd's magic, we shall leave before the Seeker and his pesky friends find us.

*Back to Richard and friends.*

Richard: This is all your fault, Rymus! If you didn't tackle me...

Kahlan: Do you know where they could be?

Rymus: No... I only knew the Temple.

Richard: Okay! Back to the tavern to get more potion!

Kahlan: Noooo!!! *Gives long lecture about how Richard should use his wits instead of magic.*

Richard: Alright. But how am I supposed to know where to find Zedd?!

Kahlan: Well, what do you remember about your vision.

Richard: It was dark... and... there was glitter moss on the walls! That only grows near water...

Rymus: I know where there's a lake and lots of caves! But... which cave?

Richard: Below the water line...

Rymus: I shall take you there now!

*They go off in search of the right cave, which they find. Then, they see Zedd passed out on the cave floor.*

Richard: Zedd! Nooo! If only Kahlan wasn't arguing with me about using magic to find you... Then we would've found you just in time to stop whatever doom was going on to make you like this!

Zedd: Mother fuckin' bitches stole my magic!

*They all then follow a trail left by Jessiah and his men, who are apparently in too much of a hurry to mask their trail.*

Richard: I found them! HEY LOSERS!!!

*Sword fight ensues. Richard decides to take on Jessiah. Instead of using Wizard's Fire to burn them to ash like Zedd always does, Jessiah pulls out his sword and uses magic to become invisible. A much cooler trick.*

Richard: Wow! Who saw this coming? Good thing Zedd taught me how to strike down invisible foes!

*Cue epic sword fight between them. Finally, Richard strikes down Jessiah.*

Richard: Ha ha, SUCKER!!!

*Jessiah uses Wizard's Fire. Richard blocks with his sword. Zedd searches for something in the back of Jessiah's wagon. Then, Zedd sneaks up on Jessiah and snaps the R'Hada Han around his neck.*

Rymus: *Dies from sword battle.*

Kahlan: Noez!

Zedd: Now you shall never use your magic again! Now I will steal the Quillion and get my magic back.

*So Zedd gets his powers back, Richard learns about the goods and evils of magic, Kahlan gets Richard's necklace back, and the village is back to being normal and boring. Also, we learn from a subtle conversation between Zedd and Kahlan that Richard and Kahlan can never be together. Oh, and Jack manages to woo Miranda without magic.*


	7. Identity

_The author of this parody is not amused with YouTube's deletion spree of LOTS episodes. At least she knows of other sources- for now. Remember kids: Writing parodies of TV Shows is not possible without the people who upload the episodes online!_

_We immediately move into an epic sword fight. Richard is up against some large, ugly, bald-headed man. He then pierces his sword into Richard's chest._

Richard Fangirls: Oh noez!!!

Random Woman: Don't worry fangirls, It's just a prophecy I'm viewing in this large water bowl.

_A creepy man appears. He'd actually be kinda cute if he got a make-over. Oh wait, never mind. I take that back..._

Creepy Guy With No Potential: Shota, what do you see?

Shota: The Seeker is gonna die in three days!

Richard Fangirls: Noooooo!!!!

_We immediately move onto a man talking to a D'Haran Captain thing._

Man: It's great doing business with a wonderful D'Haran person thing!

D'Haran Captain: It's great to have you on our side.

_Captain leaves. Man leaves his house. As he locks his door, someone grabs him._

Man: Aaaahhhh! Oh, hi Kahlan!

_They go inside to eat._

Kahlan: So, nice business. Isn't it funny how the D'Harans are giving you money that goes straight to the resistance? Oh irony...

Man: If only some of the money didn't go into the Commander's pocket.

Author: Oh! He's a commander! Dammit, someday I will get my military people right!

Man: Anyways, yeah. I bribe him for repeat business.

Zedd: Well, we do need information! But at least we know that Darken Rahl's troops are going off to Calabra!

Man: Calabra? Oh... that place is scary! The entire town committed suicide and their remains remain there. They curse anyone who enters their city. Anyways, a happy, gurgly lava flow came and burnt the city to ash! Now, it is nothing.

Richard: But... why would the D'Harans want it?

Man: I dunno... but I can try bribing it out of that Commander again.

_A young man enters the room._

Young Man: Hi, I'm Griff! And... Zomg! You're the Seeker! I know all about Seekers! Wow, I wish I could be a Seeker! Anyways, why are you here? It's not for my wedding, is it?

Kahlan: Aww.... I wish I could get married and live a happy life like you! Oh well, congratulations!

_We now go to a scene where we see Richard and Griff having a playful sword fight._

Griff: I wish I could join you on your quest instead of marrying some chick I don't know.

Richard: Whut?

Griff: It's an arranged marriage. Marrying Bromwyn will help make ties between our fathers and the resistance, or some crap like that.

Richard: You're lucky! I wish I could settle down and get married.

Griff: You have Kahlan!

Richard: Yeah... uhh... We're not together.

Griff: Oh. Wow, this is awkward. (_Runs back inside._)

_Enter an old woman._

Woman: Don't go to Calabra. Bad things will happen if you go to Calabra. You will die... Stay away from Calabra! I had a vision that you can change if you stay away from Calabra. When you see the eagle, you will know this is true! (_Disappears_.)

Richard: Wtf?

_We now switch to a scene where the mysterious old woman changes back to Shota. For some reason, this reminds me of Snow White..._

_Now we go back to Zedd, Richard, and co discussing plans about Calabra._

Man: They've got barrels of Dragon's Breath. I can't find out what they're planning, but it's big. And led by a man named Nass!

Kahlan: Demmin Nass?! He's a pedophile! And Darken Rahl's most trusted commander.

Richard: Wouldn't it be great if there was some way to bring Nass under our control so that we can use him to get to Darken Rahl? Oh if only we knew someone with that kind of power...

Kahlan: I have that kind of power!

Richard: Yes! We infiltrate the camp, get close to Nass, and Kahlan can confess him!

Man: Well, I have some stuff I'm sending over there. You guys could hide in the wagon to sneak into the camp! And I stole a map! (_Pulls out map_.)

Richard: Oh Snapple! There's an eagle on this map! (_Explains the situation._)

Kahlan: What? Some crazy old lady had a vision that you would die?! Wow... this is already pretty risky. We need to find this woman!

Man: Gotta be fast. Nass will only be there for one day.

Richard: Yeah, we won't have time. Let's just do it and ignore that crazy old lady.

_We now see the scene of Richard getting stabbed again. Shota is unhappy that the vision is still true._

Shota: DUMBASSES!

Samuel: What troubles you, Shota?

Shota: They ignored my warning!

Samuel: Well, look at it this way- I could be some small, ugly, Gollum-like creature who constantly shrieks, "Mine! Gimme!" and "Pretty lady." But the producers decided to be nice and make me a proper human being who is still pretty ugly, but not as ugly as I truly should be.

Shota: (_Is not amused_.)

_Griff's room. Griff is looking mighty spiffy in an outfit that I assume is for his wedding._

Griff: (_Singing_) Can't read my, can't read my, no you can't read my poke- AAAHHH! Who the hell are you?!

Shota: That matters not! I know you want to be a Seeker instead of getting married. Thus, I shall make your dream come true! Now, whenever people gaze upon you they see Richard. And when they gaze upon Richard they see you!

Griff: Sweet!

_Scene swap. Kahlan walks out of Griff's house and sees Richard playing with his sword. I mean, his literal sword. Not any metaphoric swords. Yeah._

Kahlan: What are you doing?

Richard: It's an actual sword! I swear!

Kahlan: Griff, stop playing with Richard's sword!

Immature Person: (_Snickers uncontrollably_.)

Richard: Whut?

_Zedd appears._

Zedd: Accio sword! (_Sword flies into Zedd's hands._) This is not a toy!

_Griff appears._

Zedd: Here you go Richard. Here's your sword.

Richard: Wtf?

Griff: Sweet.

_So Zedd, Kahlan, and Griff all abondon poor Richard._

_Enter Griff's father._

GF: Come on, Griff! Time to get married.

Richard: Wtf? No! I need a horse! I need to leave.

GF: It's okay. I felt the same way when I married your mother. But it'll all work out well. You'll see. Now meet your in-laws.

_And now we see Richard/Griff marrying Bromwyn. For some strange reason, instead of kissing, the priest person thing handcuffs them together._

_Now moving onto Zedd, Griff/Richard, and Kahlan all planning._

Zedd: So we shall hide in the crates.

Kahlan: How am I gonna get Nass alone?

Zedd: Well, Seeker. Any ideas?

Griff: Well... We could create a diversion.

Zedd: Yes! Excellent. We could set off the explosives, which would send Nass to his tent, which is where Kahlan can confess him! Wow, Richard, when did you get so smart?

Griff: Heh heh...

_Back to the Wedding. Everyone gives a toast to "Griff and Bromwyn!"_

Richard: You know, we can take off these handcuffs.

Bromwyn: Wtf? You know it's tradition to keep these on until we try making babies tonight!

Richard: Umm...

Commander: I would love to congratulate the happy couple! To Lord Rahl!

Everyone but Bromwyn and Richard: To Lord Rahl!

Bromwyn's Brother: I hope you two get to have many children...

Richard: YAY SEX!!! I wanna get it on, right now! Come on Bromwyn, you sexy whore!

Bromwyn: (_Is not amused._)

_So the happy couple get locked in a room where everyone assumes some action is going on._

Richard: Oh Bromwyn, you'll never believe me but I have to tell you that I'm not Griff. I am Richard Cypher, the Seeker of Truth.

Bromwyn: Wtf? You're WEIRD!

Richard: It's true! It must be a spell or something...

Bromwyn: Ugh.

_We now go over to Griff and Kahlan, both awake from nervousness._

Griff: Oh, I have nothing to worry about for I have you, pretty lady. And my shiny sword of doom!

Kahlan: Oh Richard, I can't help but be nervous!

Griff: Don't be. I would die for you!

Kahlan: What? Nooo... you shouldn't say that!

Griff: But- that's how I feel...

Kahlan: Oh Richard.

Griff: Oh Kahlan...

_They lean to kiss. Kahlan stops herself just in time._

Kahlan: No! Richard, we can never be together! Never!

_Back to Richard and Bromwyn._

Richard: You're right, I was lying about being Richard. But... neither of us wants to be married.

Bromwyn: Well, we're handcuffed to each other...

Richard: Let's escape out that window, run far away, get out of these handcuffs, and never see each other again!

Bromwyn: That's a wonderful idea!

_They flee and run into Samuel._

Samuel: (_Draws sword._) Where do you think you're going, Seeker?

Richard: Take what you want. Just don't hurt the girl. She's pretty! (_Suddenly kicks up a sword and grabs it._)

Samuel: Oh, it's on now!

_Enter Shota. Now it really is on! Epic sword battle ensues. Richard wins._

Bromwyn: Zomg! You are the Seeker! Damn... maybe I do want to stay married to you...

_The next morning, Richard manages to use a knife to pry the cuffs off._

Richard: Here, keep the cuffs.

Bromwyn: Let me go with you! I know a short cut to Calabra!

Richard: Fine.

_So they go through a cave and talk about their feelings._

_Meanwhile, Kahlan and Griff are loading up their stuff to prepare to sneak into Calabra._

Zedd: Okay, Kahlan, what went on between you and Richard?

Kahlan: Oh... Nothing.

Zedd: Liar! What happened?

Kahlan: Richard tried to kiss me.

Zedd: That's it! You have to tell Richard the truth!

Kahlan: Crap.

_So Zedd hides Richard and Kahlan inside a crate where they strike up a conversation._

Kahlan: Okay, Richard, since you almost kissed me, I have to tell you something important. Look, Confessor's powers are always there. I have to hold it in, which is difficult. Especially when I'm relaxed. Like, if we were to get it on, my power will accidentally be unleashed and you will be my slave. I'm so sorry...

_We now move over to the D'Haran encampment. The infamous pedophile known as Demmin Nass shows up._

Commander: I am honored to see you! Our plans have gone well so far. Now if we trek down into the deep, dark catacombs here, we shall find the treasure behind this wall!

Nass: Sweet! Let's blow it up!

_Men proceed to blow it up._

_Richard and Bromwyn freak out on their side of the cave and start running about like frightened rats._

_Meanwhile, Demmin Nass finds a special surprise behind the wall. A container from the container store! _

Nass: Sweet... (_Spots Richard and Bromwyn._) Hey! Who are you two freaks?

Commander: Griff! Wtf are you doing here? You're on our side!

Nass: I don't believe them. Lock 'em up!

_So the Commander ties them up while Richard makes remarks about how his "father" will be upset about this._

Richard: Yep... keep this up and I'll tell Nass all about my father's bribes to you!

Commander: Alright! Here. (_Hands over a key and leaves._)

_We now view the entire encampment. Zedd shows up with the crates. It's interesting how, a few episodes ago, he needed a disguise to be among D'Harans without being recognized as the great Zeddicus. But now, he bears no disguise and just tells some D'Harans that the crates are to go in Nass' tent. So the ment take the crates to Nass' tent. As the men leave the tent, Griff and Kahlan get out of their box. Kahlan snoops around for some maps or letters or any information. She finds a scroll written in German._

Kahlan: Zomg! Richard! What does this say?

Griff: What? I can't read that! I don't even know what language that is!

Kahlan: But... You're the Seeker. You automatically know German without learn- Oh my God. Who are you?!

_Enter Zedd._

Zedd: I just lit the fuse!

Kahlan: This isn't Richard! It's Griff! That old lady put a spell on them to stop the Seeker from dying.

Griff: Whut? I'm gonna die in his place? Okay, I don't wanna play this game anymore...

_Explosives set off. Chaos ensues._

Zedd: Well, too late now!

Griff: But... I'm not the Seeker!

_Enter Nass._

Nass: Seeker... I shall kill you now!

_So another epic sword fight ensues ending in Nass almost killing Griff. Luckily, Richard shows up in the nick of time and saves Griff's ass. Tunnels start collapsing causing Nass and his friends to flee for their lives._

_Once outside, Richard becomes Richard and Griff becomes Griff. The spell had worn off._

Zedd: Damn that was some powerful magic.

Griff: Oh Kahlan, what you told me... You should tell Richard.

Kahlan: Oh, no worries. Hey Richard, come read this scroll that's written in German.

Richard: Hurr... It's a record of when Calabra fell. Apparently they killed themselves to protect their greatest treasure... The Box of Orden.

Zedd and Kahlan: Oh shit!

Richard: Whut?

Zedd: There are three Boxes of Orden. Each contains magic. Whoever has all three boxes could enslave the world and be invincible!

_Back to Nass. He breaks open the container, revealing a shiny, jeweled box._

Nass: Precious...

Commander: The Seeker and his friends have escaped! We can't find them...

Nass: No need. We got what we came for. Lord Rahl will be pleased! Why, he might even have a little boy locked in a dungeon, right now, just for me. Now let's be on our way!

_Back to Richard and friends. The old woman appears._

Shota: I see you're alive.

Zedd: Shota! I should've known it was you... Why, when I was a foolish young boy... Anyways, she's a Sorceress from Agaden Reach. We don't like her.

Shota: Well, I hate Darken Rahl! Thus, I must help the Seeker.

Zedd: Let's get away from this witch before it's too late!

Shota: Oh, but I have a prophecy to tell you. You see, Richard, you will be betrayed by the one in white! (_Points to Kahlan._)

Kahlan: Noooooo!

Richard: Is it just me, or is the formatting in this chapter different?

Zedd: Hey... you're right!

Kahlan: (_Face-palm._)


	8. Denna

_We immediately meet a young, sexy blond woman wearing red, skin-tight leather. Demmin Nass enters._

Nass: Mistress Denna! Why, you're looking quite hot today! Too bad I'm only interested in little boys... Anyways, Darken Rahl has orders for you. He wants you to train the Seeker.

Denna: Interesting...

_Moving on to Kahlan, Zedd, and Richard._

Richard: So then, the guy says, "Hey! That's my horse-"

_A bunch of arrows come flying from nowhere. One stabs Zedd in the back. Richard runs to save Zedd but Kahlan grabs Richard and pins him to a tree._

Kahlan: You can't save him! BWAAAAAAHAHA! (_Pulls out knife and stabs Richard repeatedly while "Psycho" music plays in the background._)

Richard: KAHLAN! Wake up!

Kahlan: (_Jerks awake._) NOO- Oh thank goodness it was just a dream! Oh Richard, I killed you! What if I really do that? Shota said-

Richard: Who cares what Shota says! You could never betray me. Now, hold still so I can kiss your pretty lips.

Kahlan: Yay!

_They make out until Kahlan comes to her senses._

Kahlan: Wait- NO! This can never happen! NEVER!!!

Richard: Wtf?

_Next morning._

Kahlan: It's too dangerous for me to be near Richard. I'm leaving!

Zedd: No! Don't listen to Shota.

Kahlan: I almost lost control over my feelings for Richard. I could've accidentally confessed him! This is why I have to leave.

Zedd: But... a Seeker needs a Confessor!

Kahlan: No worries... I know a Confessor who's in hiding. She can take my place.

_Enter Richard._

Richard: Wazz up?

Kahlan: I'm leaving you.

Richard: What?! You can't leave me! I luuurve you!

Kahlan: If I stay I'll be putting you in danger. I could kill you- or worse.

Richard: Is this about that kiss? Look, I know I haven't been able to brush my teeth in the past month and a half but I'm sure you can look past that, over time.

Kahlan: No, that's not it.

Richard: Stop lying! Look, I know you share my feelings.

Kahlan: No! I don't like you! You're a fugly slut! (_Leaves._)

Richard: NOOOOOOO!!!! (_Breaks down crying._) Oh Zedd, how can you just let Kahlan leave like that? I- (_He suddenly spots a herd of D'Harans, followed by Denna._) Oh crap! D'Haran soldiers!

Zedd: Oh crap! A Mord Sith! Richard, don't use your sword!

Richard: Don't tell me what to do! (_Uses sword against Denna, which fails to work._)

_Denna pulls out a red rod and touches Richard with it. He screams out in pain._

Zedd: Nooooo! (_Flees._)

Denna: Sweet, we got the Seeker!

_Richard wakes up to find himself shirtless, shackled, dangling from a ceiling._

Richard: Wow... I didn't know Kahlan knew how to get so kink- Hey! You're not Kahlan!

Denna: Who? No matter. I will show you more pain than you have ever felt before. I'm a Mord Sith. I can take magic and use it against you to cause you pain. You should never use magic against a Mord Sith. Now, I get to train you so that I can make you swear allegiance to the great, sexy Darken Rahl! Feel the wrath of my agiel! (_Pokes Richard with red rod._)

Richard: AAAAHHHH!!! Hey, I'm actually enjoying this!

Denna: Are you now?

Richard: Yeah, didn't you know? S&M is my favorite!

Denna: Well then... I'll just have to find another way to torture you... I wonder if I still have that copy of Twilight?

Richard: NO! Please! Anything but Twilight!!!

Denna: Yeah, I still have it...

_Back to Kahlan, meeting some people._

Kahlan: I'm looking for a friend of mine who is fond of white roses.

Men: Ah, come follow us then!

_So Kahlan meets some other Confessor who is... not that pretty. This could be a good thing, because then Richard won't fall in love with her._

Kahlan: You need to take my place in protecting Richard. Please!

Laura: But... this village needs me! They can't function properly without me ordering them about like sheep!

Kahlan: I'll take your place.

Laura: Great idea! I never would've thought of that.

_Back to Richard, being thrown into a dungeon with some other men._

Richard: Oh my God... I think part of my brain just died.

Man: Here, have some rainwater.

Richard: What are you in for?

Man: My daughter... She's being trained to become a Mord Sith. They kidnapped her from me and they're teaching her dark magic and now she's gonna kill me as her final test!

Richard: Damn! I'll help you escape, though.

_Back to Laura and Kahlan._

Laura: Alright townspeople! I must leave. No worries, I'm turning you over to Kahlan. Treat her as you treat me.

Townspeople: Okay! (_All bow down._)

Kahlan: Wtf? Did you confess all these people!?

Laura: Pshyeah! They all drove the D'Harans out!

Kahlan: You disgust me.

Laura: You've confessed people too!

Kahlan: Yeah, but that's different...

Laura: O rly?

Kahlan: Ya rly!

_So they have a nice, long argument about the meaning of being a Confessor. Then, Zedd comes running in._

Zedd: Kahlan! Richard's been captured by a Mord Sith!

_Back at the dungeon. A group of D'Haran soldiers walk in. Richard decides to beat the snot out of them. And he's successful! Richard tells his new friend to escape, which he doesn't do. Instead, Denna shows up and the man starts groveling at her feet._

Man: Did I please you mistress? Are you happy I ratted him out?

Denna: Yes...

Richard: Hey! That is fucked up! Not cool, dude. Not cool...

Man: (_Hiss._)

Denna: Seeker... you could've escaped yourself. But you didn't... You're weird!

Richard: Well actually, I'm just glad I'm not stuck in a collar that can cause me great pain if I move...

_Back at the Confessor's house._

Zedd: This is horrible! Richard could never survive a Mord Sith's torture session!

Kahlan: You never know... There's gotta be a way to help him!

Zedd: I followed them to the temple but there are too many D'Harans guarding! There's not enough of us...

Laura: Yes there are...

Kahlan: No! Don't even think it!

Zedd: Whut?

Kahlan: Laura's confessed this whole village!

Zedd: Nice!

Kahlan: No! We are not forcing a bunch of people into battle!

Laura: Kahlan... Stfu! We're using the men!

_We now see Richard lying on a beach while Kahlan kisses him. Suddenly, this little fantasy is interrupted by Denna._

Denna: How dare you think of another woman while I'm around! Now, I can touch you right here and it will make you die. Now unless you tell me who that whore was, I will make your heart stop!

Richard: Yeah right. Rahl needs me alive. Ugly betch.

Denna: Bastard! (_Pokes Richard's heart with agiel causing him to die. Then, Denna performs some weird form of CPR which brings Richard back to life._)

Richard: What happened?

Denna: I used CPR on you. You see, I can kill you as many times as I want yet I can still bring you back. So not even death will spare you.

Richard: Fuck...

Denna: Now tell me, who were you thinking of?

Richard: Kahlan...

Denna: Aww, how sweet. You're in love with your Confessor. Did she confess you?

Richard: No... She doesn't need magic to make me love her.

Denna: Oh wow... She never told you. Now, I shall torture you with words! You see, Richard, if Kahlan does it with you, you will be confessed. So you can never even rape her. HA!

Richard: Noooooo!

_So Richard broke down and cried like an emo bitch._

Denna: I have stuff to do today. Since you are just dying to know how Twilight ends, Constance will read the end of it to you. Now, I want you to think of me the entire time this is going on.

_We move onto a montage of Constance reading aloud from __Twilight__ while Richard tries thinking about Denna instead. Afterwards, Richard is dragged over to a chair next to Denna._

Richard: I only thought of you, Mistress.

Denna: Good, good. Now have some water. Hey, I dare you to pick up my agiel and use it against me so you can escape.

Richard: Okay! (_Grabs agiel._) AAAAAHHHH!!! It BURNS!

Denna: Yes, Richard. The agiel causes pain to anyone who touches it. Even me. I have been taught how to deal with the pain without breaking down like a whiny bitch.

_Back to Kahlan, Zedd, Laura, and Townspeople._

Kahlan: I can't let this happen. They're up against D'Haran soldiers and Mord Sith!

Laura: What other way is there?!

Kahlan: Maybe I can sneak in and remind Richard how he's the Seeker and has super awesome skills of awesomeness! Because, you know, just talking to someone can help them find a way out of their horrible situation! Give me an hour, and if I'm not back, help!

_So Kahlan goes off to do this. Meanwhile, Richard is still being trained by Denna._

Richard: Oh Mistress Denna, can you please let Constance train me tomorrow?

Denna: WHAT?! Sonuva bitch! (_Beats the shit out of Richard_.) Why? Why do you prefer Constance over me?!?!

Richard: Because... it hurts you to use the agiel. I don't like seeing you in that kind of pain. Also, this show hasn't used an actual scene out of the Sword of Truth books since we saw Zedd standing on a rock, naked. And since this show is surprisingly based off of those books, it's time for a book scene!

Denna: You're weird!

Constance: I hate to interrupt but there's a Confessor waiting to speak to you.

Denna: Grr...

_They go out to talk to Kahlan._

Denna: Why, Richard's told me all about you, Kahlan. He used to love you, but he prefers me now because I am sooo much prettier than you.

Kahlan: Oh yeah? Well there's a bunch of men up in the hills waiting to ambush this temple!

Denna: Ha! It's only a couple dozen men. Common folk, really.

Kahlan: All of them have been confessed and will fight to the death! Let me talk to the Seeker alone we will leave you in peace.

Denna: Oh, but I know those village folk have been confessed by another confessor. So I just need to kill that Confessor and all those men will be free from her hold.

Kahlan: Oh yeah? Well... I'll just start throwing knives at all these guards. (_Starts chucking knives. One barely misses Denna. Thus, Richard steals Denna's agiel and uses it against Kahlan. She falls to the ground._)

Denna: Good job Richard!

_Then Richard is thrown into a room. Kahlan is outside the door, in some weird dungeon-y area. They speak through a random hole in the door. Yeah, I really don't know how to describe this._

Richard: I'm sorry for what I did. But I didn't want the archers to kill you! Look, there's no way I can get out of this one. I'm losing myself to Denna! I don't even know who I am anymore!

Kahlan: No! You're the Seeker! You'll find a way out of this! You will!

Richard: NOOO! I can't!

Kahlan: Yes, you can!

_They continue talking, back and forth, in this manner, for a good five minutes._

Kahlan: Dammit! I just realized that by leaving you, I betrayed you! Noooo!

_Back to Laura and co. A D'Haran shoots an arrow at Laura causing her to fall and die. This releases the magic of Laura's touch and all the people are free!_

_Next scene. Enter Kahlan, Denna, and Richard._

Denna: The confessor is dead and all her men are free. Now, I shall train you myself and it will be long, agonizing, and painful. In addition to reading you the entire _Twilight_ series, I might even force you to watch the movies!

Kahlan: Yay! _Twilight_!

Denna: Whut?

Richard: Whut?

Kahlan: Nothing...

Denna: Anyways, Richard can help spare you this pain by killing you right now! (_Gives Richard knife._) Do it, Richard.

Richard: (_Stares at Kahlan for a good, long time._) No.. I can't kill her. (_Drops knife in front of Kahlan_.)

_Kahlan picks up the knife and tries using it against Denna. Epic battle ensues in which Denna and Kahlan duke it out. Even straight women have to admit it's pretty hot. Richard finds his sword, grabs it, and uses it against some guards. Then, he prepares to use it against Denna. Because, that just went so well last time! But what's this? The blade of the sword just turned white! Thus, Richard is able to stab Denna with it._

Denna: Wtf? How?!

Richard: Well, you see, the Sword of Truth has two sides of magic. One is the rage, and the other is love. I just now mastered both sides. I forgive you for all the pain you've given me because I feel sorry for you and all the suffering you've been through. I've come to love you. Therefore, I am able to turn the blade white and slay you.

Denna: Whut? That sounds too complex for this show.

Richard: Oh, that's right. Um... You taught me how to withstand pain.

_And Denna falls over dead. Richard helps Kahlan to her feet and they leave._

Kahlan: I need to tell you something...

Richard: I know. Denna already told me. Why didn't you tell me?

Kahlan: Sorry. I was just worried that you'd treat me different. I love you! Anyways, I guess now that I already betrayed you by leaving you, I can come back and help you defeat Darken Rahl!

Richard: Yay!

_Back at the Mord Sith temple. Constance suddenly rushes to Denna's aid. She performs her special CPR which revives Denna. So obviously, sometime in the near future, we shall meet Denna again! _


	9. Puppeteer

Egremont: Oh Darken Rahl, Lord of Sexiness! I bring you great news!

Darken: Oh I already know! I'm finally in an episode of Legend of The Seeker for a proper amount of time to make my fangirls happy. Took long enough...

Egremont: That too, but also the second Box of Orden has been delivered! One more and you will rule this puny land with your sexy sexiness!

Darken: Sweet... I shall add it to my collection! Now, tell Queen Milena that I accept all her demands in exchange for the third box. Damn that bitch is so stupid... Doesn't she know that by having all three boxes, I'd have power of her and therefore wouldn't have to give in to her demands?

_Sadly, the scene with the great, sexy Darken Rahl ends as we switch over to Kahlan and Richard. They are gazing upon a large castle in the distance._

Kahlan: Queen Milena lives there. She's a whiny, spoiled bitch. She wanted a pink sapphire so she slaughtered a bunch of people. She inherited the Box of Orden.

_Enter Zedd._

Zedd: An emissary for Darken Rahl is on his way to get the last box. He'll probably be here by tomorrow.

Richard: Wow... so we only have, like, a day to rob the place. How?

Zedd: Simple! There's an ad asking for an entertainer for Princess Violet's birthday party! And I'm a very entertaining person, right?

_Now we have the pleasure of meeting this Princess Violet. She sits upon a throne, bored, as she watches a sword swallower, some dancers, and other people she deems unworthy of entertaining her. Then, Zedd comes in._

Zedd: Hello Princess Violet! Like my pet sock, Mr. Stocking? He's a smelly one!

Violet: OH GOD! Someone get rid of this creeper before I chop off his head!

_Men come to drag Zedd away. However, his pet sock suddenly starts talking on it's own._

Mr. Stocking: Gee thanks a lot, loser. I hope you choke on a plum and die!

Zedd: Hey! That's not nice...

Mr. Stocking: Not nice? You know what's not nice? Your face! I mean... your butt. Hell, I can't even tell the difference!

Violet: (_Is highly amused._) You're hired!

Zedd: Ruben Rybnik, Grand Puppeteer, at your service.

Book Fans: YAY! They actually used Zedd's favorite code name!

_So Princess Violet takes Zedd up to her room (Because, you know, it is such a good idea to have some creepy, old man you don't know see your bedroom. Especially if you're ten!) Anyways... She starts telling Zedd what she wants him to do for her party. Then, she starts going on about all the stuff she owns._

Violet: I got this solid gold driedel for my 5th birthday. No, I'm not Jewish. I just wanted it so that no one else can have it. And I got this silk jump rope that took years to make for my 8th birthday. It's worth more than your life's savings. Oh, I also have five ponies, a PS3, an xBox that I threw at a servant, two plasma screen TVs, a solid gold laptop with a matching iPod, all fifteen seasons of South Park, and a car! I'm not allowed to drive, but I do anyway.

Zedd: I thought there were only thirteen seasons of South Park.

Violet: Only thirteen seasons have been released. My Mommy made the producers give us future seasons- before anyone else can see them. Oh look, here's my slave! Hey slave, if you don't piss me off too much, you will be allowed to watch the puppet show.

Poor Little Girl: Hello...

Violet: (Bitch smacks girl.)

Zedd: Damn... I mean, uh... Good job!

Violet: I'm teaching her manners. Now, slave, I want you to properly address this creepy man before I decide to give you a swirlee!

Girl: (_Curtsies_.) How do you do?

Zedd: Very well. And it's nice to meet you. What's your name?

Girl: Rachel.

Violet: HEY! People are supposed to have their eyes on me at all times! LOOK AT THIS DRESS! It's for the party...

Zedd: Why, it's beautiful. You will look lovely. But you know what would make you look- Oh wait. No, your mother won't let you wear that...

Violet: Whut?

Zedd: The Pink Sapphire of Tremontana. Maybe when you're older...

Violet: Ha! I'm allowed to wear whatever I want! Plus I have the key to the treasure room right here around my neck. I think I'll get that Sapphire right now!

Zedd: Oh, how I've dreamt of seeing this treasure room!

Violet: Yeah, that'll never happen... brb. (_Leaves_.)

_Back to Richard and Kahlan, hiding behind some foliage, observing a couple of D'Harans._

Richard: If I was Darken Rahl, wouldn't I send more soldiers to get the box?

Kahlan: Well, obviously you're not Rahl because Rahl would send scouts to make sure everything is safe.

Richard: Hey Kahlan, if you confess one of them, we could send him back telling Rahl that Milena won't be ready to deliver the box for awhile...

Kahlan: Great idea! Even though it would be better to make him assassinate Darken Rahl instead... But I'll go with your plan because you are the Seeker and have never been wrong before!

_So they ambush the scouts and a sword fight ensues. Kahlan is about to confess one of the men but Richard stupidly runs in to "save" Kahlan's life by killing him._

Kahlan: Wtf? I had him! Now who are we gonna confess?

Richard: I'm sowwy! I just... wuvs you.

Kahlan: See! This is why we can't be in love! Cuz you'll do stupid shit like this! (_Snoops through D'Haran's pack and pulls out a large book._) Zomg...

Richard: Whut?

Kahlan: It's a journey book! Rahl uses it to communicate with his soldiers. He writes in his and it appears in this one, and vice versa. Kinda like text messaging. We can find out hella information in this thing!

_Back to Zedd._

Zedd: Rachel... such a beautiful name.

Rachel: I was named after my Grandma. Soldiers killed her, along with the rest of my family.

Zedd: Rachel, I need your help. Have you ever been in the treasure room? Or seen the Box of Orden?

Rachel: Yes... And that box is the only thing Princess Violet can't touch. She hates it.

Zedd: Does she ever take the key off her neck?

Rachel: Nope! Even sleeps with it. I sleep in that box over there. But when I'm bad, she makes me sleep outside. I like sleeping outside better so sometimes I'm bad on purpose. Princess Violet has an awful snoring problem...

Zedd: Here, have this trouble doll! Tell her your troubles, and she'll take them away!

Rachel: I'm not allowed toys...

Zedd: That spoiled monster doesn't have to know.

Rachel: Shhhh! She'll kill you if she heard you!

Zedd: Well-

_Enter Princess Violet._

Violet: I didn't say you could talk to him! You're sleeping outside tonight but first tell the cooks that my food tasted like crap. LEAVE!

Rachel: (_Flees._)

Zedd: Well, I have to prepare my show. Later!

_In the very busy kitchen..._

Rachel: Hi Martha!

Martha: Here, you can lick the spoon. But hurry up before you-know-who gets here.

Rachel: Yeah, you-know-who kinda reminds me of you-know-who if you know who I mean. Anyways, the you-know-who you're talking about told me to tell you that if her meal is crap again, she'll flog you.

Martha: UGH! I hate that whiny, punk-ass bitch and her mother. I hope Pagan Viking gods come down and disembowel them, then consume their entrails as they slowly choke on their own blood and guts.

Queen Milena: Excuse me?

Martha: Oh shit.

Zedd: Hello there! I'm your daughter's entertainer. Ruben Rybnik, Grand Puppeteer. And if you're gonna kill this cook, you should do it after the banquet so that your daughter can have a yummy dessert for her birthday.

Queen Milena: Fine. But once the party is over, her head shall be gone too. And you, Ruben, you are only allowed in the servant's quarters and the banquet room. (_Leaves._)

Zedd: (_Sneaks Rachel doll, then leaves_.)

_Next Scene. Rachel is sitting outside with her new doll._

Rachel: I didn't mean to touch it. I just couldn't help it. It felt so... smooth. Anyways, I wish you and I could run away...

Doll: Don't feel bad! Ruben is going to take you away with him. But you need to get the Box of Orden. Ruben needs your help.

Rachel: Holy shit! I just realized... you're an ugly-ass dolly! (_Cries._)

_In Princess Violet's bedroom._

Violet: Zzzzzzz...

Rachel: (_Sneaks in and tries stealing the key off Violet's neck. She succeeds._)

Violet: Zzzzzzz... I wanna ride the pony!

_So Rachel hurries off to give the key to Zedd._

Zedd: Good job! Soon, we shall hurry off and run away from this terrible place. Then, I can take you to a place where you'd be safe. Hey, wouldn't it be funny if the producers made it so that the Sisters of The Dark take in people who have no magical abilities? I mean, since the Sisters of The Light are now an orphanage for magical children, they could make the Sisters of The Dark an orphanage for non-magical children! Hardy harr harr!

Book Fans: (_Are not amused_.)

_Back to Richard and Kahlan._

Richard: (_Looking in Journey Book._) Zomg... Darken Rahl is coming!

Kahlan: Whut?!

Richard: See, right here it says he's coming for the box himself! I... can kill him. We can send him a message telling him where to go!

Kahlan: Yes! (_Pulls out knife_.)

Richard: Wtf?

Kahlan: The Journey Book can only work when written in blood.

Richard: Use mine!

Kahlan: No! I'm emo! (_Slits wrist._)

_Back in Darkenland._

Egremont: The bridge has been washed out, we need to go through the Iron Hills.

Darken Rahl: But... it's dark there. And full of trees. And canyons. And trees. And it's dark...

_Back to the little bitch's room._

Violet: Zzz... Bridget Regan... Wait... (_Wakes up_.) Where's my key?!

_Next scene. Zedd opens the door to the treasure room._

Zedd: Nice... (_Gets out a small box and uses magic to disguise it as a Box of Orden._)

Violet: Excuse me... What the flying crap cats do you think you're doing?!

Zedd: Oh... I'm... uh... Curious!

Violet: I'm not stupid! Now tell me what's going on before I scream like a little bitch!

Zedd: O rly? Look in that mirror!

Violet: (_Looks and sees that her face is covered in giant warts_.) Eeeek! What did you do!? You better change me back before I chop your head off!

Zedd: And how are you gonna get rid of the warts if you do that? It's a Tattletale Curse. If you ever rat me out the warts will reappear forever! Not even I could get rid of them. (_Fixes Violet's face, then leaves to get Rachel._)

Zedd: I got the box! Let's go!

Rachel: But... Martha! We can't leave without Martha!

Zedd: Wtf?

Rachel: The cook that the Queen is gonna kill! We have to save her.

Zedd: Seriously? There's no time. We have to leave NOW!

Rachel: But... Martha has children! They'll starve...

Zedd: We can take them to the Sisters of the Dark! Ha ha ha... Couldn't resist that one. But I can see that you're not gonna shut up until we save Martha so let's go!

_Zedd and Rachel flee towards the Servants Quarters but run into Queen Bitchena. I mean, Queen Milena. Right. Rachel quickly hides while Zedd attempts to explain himself._

Zedd: I was hungry...

Queen Bitchena: Guards, take him back to his room and make sure he stays in there.

Zedd: Crap...

_Rachel meets up with Zedd in his room._

Zedd: The guards are following me everywhere. You're gonna have to take this box and run away with it. Get a loaf of bread, hollow it out, hide the box in it, sneak outside the castle, follow a stream and you should meet up with some friends of mine named Richard and Kahlan. Go all that?

Rachel: But... What about Martha? And you?

Zedd: I can't leave until I finish the puppet show. Then, Martha and I will meet up with you.

_In the kitchen._

Rachel: Martha, can I have a loaf of bread?

Martha: Sorry, all the bread is in the banquet room.

Rachel: Shit...

_Enter Princess Violet._

Violet: I WANNA LICK THE BOWL!!!!!!!!

Rachel: Shit...

Violet: What are you doing?

Rachel: Nothing...

Violet: What's behind your back? TELL ME!

Rachel: (_Back up towards the uncooked cake batter, then drops the box into the cake_.) I just... have this doll for you! It's my birthday present to you because you are just so sweet and awesome and I loves you!

Violet: This is the ugliest effing doll I've ever seen! (_Chucks it in the fire. Martha gets it out_.)

Violet: Why is my cake not in the oven? I WANT IT IN THE OVEN!

Martha: Uh...

Violet: !!!!!!

Martha: Fine... (_Puts cake, with the box buried inside, into the oven to make bitch face happy. Wouldn't it be awesome if Richard kicked her face in?_)

_Speaking of Richard, back to him and Kahlan!_

Richard: (_Prepares his crossbow to assassinate Darken Rahl. Poor, poor Darken. All he really needs is a hug..._)

Kahlan: This could be it! You can kill Darken Rahl and this corny but addictive television show will be over!

Richard: But... my fangirls? And Rahl's fangirls? And your fanboys and fangirls? They'd all be sad... Zomg! Here they come!

_A group of men come riding down on horses. Darken Rahl fangirls prepare to squee. But Darken Rahl looks... different. Wtf? HEY! That's an imposter!_

Richard: Wtf? That's not Darken Rahl!

Kahlan: Wtf?! Where is he!?

_At Queen Bitchena's castle, Darken Rahl appears._

Darken Rahl: I'm so bad ass I crash birthday parties. Why, I do believe that this is the most evil thing I've done so far in this TV series!

Queen Milena: Why what a wonderful surprise! (_Holds out hand for Darken Rahl to kiss. This makes me want to punch Queen Milena in the face harder than ever before._)

Darken Rahl: (_Kisses hand_.) You look very lovely today.

Darken Rahl fangirls: (_Want to join me in punching the snot out of Queen Bitchena_.)

_In the kitchen._

Martha: If we cut between the roses, we can get the box out without epically damaging the cake!

_Before Martha can do this, a cook comes in and takes the cake out into the banquet room. Zedd follows. Everyone ooos and awws as if it were something made on Cake Boss._

Queen Milena: Darken Rahl, could you do the honors of cutting this cake?

Darken Rahl: Of course!

Zedd: NOOOO!!!!

Darken Rahl: Wtf?

Queen Milena: That's our entertainer who needs to stfu!

Zedd: Sorry but it's just that... Princess Violet wanted to watch the Puppet Show first!

Violet: What the- (_Remembers warts._) Oh, right! I want the puppet show!

Queen Milena: Why, Lord Rahl, this would mean so much to all of us if you wait until after the party.

Darken Rahl: Dammit.

_So now we all get to see the great, powerful, fearsome Darken Rahl watch a puppet show about princesses and ponies. This is prone to cause many laughs and giggles amongst Darken Rahl fangirls._

Darken Rahl: (_Is not amused._) I have more important things I could be doing. Like, strutting around my castle, or giving orders, or choosing a sexy fangirl I can have my way with. Hurry it up already! I have a hair appointment at four...

Queen Milena: Yes, please speed this up.

Zedd: Grr... (_Switches puppet of Princess Violet to a puppet of Richard._)

Crowd: (_Gasp._)

Richard Puppet: Fear me, Darkenbutt, for I shall slay you for being sexier than me!

Queen Milena: Wtf? STOP!

Darkn Rahl: No... I wish to see how this ends...

Zedd: (_Brings in a puppet of Darken Rahl_.)

Rahl Puppet: I'm just trying to enjoy myself yet you have to ruin all the fun! Thus, I KILL YOU!

Darken Rahl: (_Is highly amused. More amused than any grown man should be._) Now, shall we cut the cake?

_For some lame, asinine reason, Martha and Rachel still haven't gotten the box out of the cake. The puppet show must've gone on for what? At least a half hour. They should've been able to get it out in a minute! Oh well. I guess their stupidity just means we have more Darken to gander at. Squee!_

Zedd: Wait! There's more I must show you!

_Darken Rahl and audience continue watching the puppet show while Martha cuts the box out and gives it to Rachel, who flees._

Darken Rahl: Jolly good show! Now I'm sorry Princess Violet but that extra minute of my time means that I now have no time to cut your cake. Queen Milena, let's get to business.

_Queen Milena leads Darken Rahl to the Box of Orden. _

Darken Rahl: Preciousss... (_Grabs box._) Wtf? This isn't the box!

Queen Milena: Wtf?

Darken Rahl: (_Uses magic to turn the box back into it's original form._) Someone used magic to change this box into a look-a-like!

Queen Milena: But... There's no one here with magic!

Darken Rahl: YOU STUPID WHORE!!!! (_Chucks box at Queen Milena._) Seal the castle and bring me the Puppeteer!

Guards: (_Bring Rahl the Puppeteer._)

Zedd: It has been such an honor of performing for you and Queen Milena! Do you want to see more of my work?

Darken Rahl: No, no I do not! Bind his hands!

Zedd: Wtf?

Darken Rahl: Only a Wizard of the First Order can make a look-a-like Box of Orden and only three have been born in the last hundred years. Since one died and the other works for me then you must be Zeddicus Z'ul Zorander!

Zedd: Hey! I just now realized my disguise in the fifth episode was pointless. For one thing not even you recognized me as Zedd until now. I really only needed a fake name. And... didn't I also tell those soldiers I was a first Wizard? Wow... your army is stupid! And this makes "Listener" a stupid episode. In fact... I'm beginning to think this whole show is stupid...

Darken Rahl: STFU AND TELL ME WHERE THE BOX IS!!!

Zedd: You have a zit on your chin...

_Switch to Rachel leaving the castle._

Guard: Sorry little girl but this castle is under lockdown!

Rachel: What's your name? I need to tell Princess Violet that you wouldn't let me follow her orders. She might even chop your head off!

Guard: Crap... (_Lets Rachel out._)

_Back to Darken Rahl and Zedd._

Darken Rahl: Where's the Box?

Zedd: I hid it.

Darken Rahl: Well no shit! Where did you hide it?

_Enter Egremont._

Egremont: I just received word that the Priness's playmate was allowed outside the castle!

Darken Rahl: What the hell? That actually follows the book! In fact, this entire episode is almost identical to what happened in Wizard's First Rule, with the exception of this party and Zedd in another wizard's place. Where are those producers? I need to smack them...

Zedd: Wtf?

Darken Rahl: Oh, you didn't know... I'm behind all of the dramatic changes! You see, I control the producers. I make them change things around. The Sisters of Light, The Boundary brought down by catapults, Nightwisps incapable of speech, and all of the future changes I have in store, were done by me.

Zedd: Why? Why would you do such a thing?

Darken Rahl: Because it pisses people off. And I don't like all the work I have to do in the books. Do you know how much effort it takes to sacrifice a child to the Keeper in exchange for traveling the Underworld to undo the boundary's magic? Ha! Much easier to just command soldiers to chuck cannonballs at it. Also I'd have to deal with blackmailing a dragon and learn the art of reading entrails. That's just too much work. Plus, I can make it so I will destroy the Seeker and rule this land once and for all!

Zedd: But... if you control what the producers write, then how come you haven't killed us all off yet?

Darken Rahl: Well, you see, Um... You ask too many questions! Guards, bring me that girl!

_Switch to Rachel running in the forest. Guards quickly follow as she gets lost. She asks her doll for help, but her doll is unresponsive. The guards finally catch up with her. And since we haven't had an epic sword fight in awhile, Richard and Kahlan rush to Rachel's aid! After miraculously kicking all their asses, Richard, Kahlan, and Rachel flee into hiding._

Rachel: Are you Richard and Kahlan?

Richard and Kahlan: Yes...

Rachel: Ruben sent me. He wanted me to give you this. (_Hands over box wrapped in blanket._)

Richard: Zomg! The box! Wait... where's Zedd?

_Back to Zedd._

_Enter Darken Rahl._

Zedd: Aww look... it's the man who just got pwned by a little girl! HA HA HA HA! Pussy...

Darken Rahl: You hath pisseth me off for the last time! (_Slices Zedd's head off._)

Egremont: Wtf? He's a puppet!

Zedd's Head: Told you I was the Grand Puppeteer. Betches.

_So Darken Rahl broke down and screamed like an emo kid being forced to listen to David Cassidy._

_Back to Richard, Kahlan, and Rachel._

_Enter Zedd and Martha._

Rachel: Martha! (_Glomps._)

Martha: Guess what? You get to come live with me!

Rachel: Yay! But... how will you feed all of us?

Zedd: Here you go, Martha, I stole Milena's Sapphire.

Everyone: Yay!

_Back to Queen Milena's castle._

Queen Milena: Oh Lord Rahl... I am terribly sorry for all the trouble.

Darken Rahl: Oh, no worries. You couldn't have known what was going on. (_Grabs Queen Milena's hand, kisses it, then slits her arm open. Even Rahl haters cheer on Rahl for killing this ugly-ass uber bitch!_)

Darken Rahl: Bring me my Journey Book.

_Zedd, Richard, and Kahlan all chilling by a campfire._

Kahlan: We were so close...

Zedd: Well, since this show is under Rahl's control, and this is only the ninth episode, I kinda saw this com- Oh crap! Rahl is sending a message in the book!

Richard: Whut?

Kahlan: "I will find you."


	10. Sacrifice

_Enter Richard, Kahlan, and Zedd._

Kahlan: We're lost.

Zedd: No we're not. I know exactly where we're going!

Kahlan: You have no idea what you're talking about, old man! We should just stop and ask for directions...

Zedd: No-

Voice: Kahlan Amnell!

_A group of women appear. One of them, dressed in a white dress similar to Kahlan's, holds up a night wisp._

Kahlan: Mother Confessor! (_Bows down._)

_And then all the book fans cried and ranted about how Kahlan is supposed to be the Mother Confessor! I'm not even gonna waste time going on about how wrong this is..._

"Mother" Confessor: Oh Kahlan! My magical night wisp that does not speak our language led us to you. Oh, hello Zedd! Nice seeing you again.

Kahlan: Mother Confessor, this is Richard Cypher!

Mother Confessor: Seeker of Truth, I am honored to meet you. Now Kahlan, Darken Rahl knows all our hiding spots so we had to flee. We came to find you. We're all gonna have to go to this magical, unknown, island called Valeria. It's so secret that it's not even on the maps in The Sword of Truth books!

Kahlan: (_Gives an epic speech on the ancient ways, how Confessors are supposed to show justice to the people in the Midlands and that they can't run away in their time of need, something about thousands of years and blah de blah de blah de blah..._)

MC: Kahlan, Stfu. We're going and if you want to stay here, fine. Now we must keep moving for we are the last of our kind!

_Enter random man._

Random Man: Denee! Oh Denee! Where are you my bright ray of sunshine?

Kahlan: Wtf?! Who are you and why do you want my sister?

Random Man: Please Confessors! Help me find her.

Kahlan: She's been dead since the first episode...

Random Man: Nooooooooo!!!! (_Drops to the ground and cries hardcore emo tears of doom._) What am I gonna do?!

MC: Zomg... He's still confessed....

Richard: Yay! Denee's alive!

Kahlan: But...

(_Flashback_ )

Kahlan: Denee! Noooez!!

Denee: Take this book. Just take it. Leave me to die!

Kahlan: *runs off*

(_End of flashback._)

Kahlan: She must've lived! Let's find her!

MC: No! It could be a trap...

(_So an argument breaks out about if they should go after Denee or not. An argument in which Richard takes Kahlan's side and vows to sing country music unless they comply. This proves successful. They all trek off into unknown territory with the night wisp leading the way. Then, they make camp_.)

MC: Oh Zedd, you were such a great teacher. I learned so much from you... Blah de blah de blah de blah.

_Next morning. The group is continuing their journey._

Kahlan: Wow that last scene was pretty pointless. I wasn't in it! Anyways, confessed man, how did you meet my sister?

Confessed Man: Oh, I was gonna kill her in this battle of doom when she confessed me to save herself. She is so good at her job... Why, I haven't thought about my ex-wife since! Anyways, Denee promised to return to me once she was done with some mission but she never did!

Nightwisp: Co co co co co co co co co co co co co. (_Translated: Why can't I speak the same language? Why? Is this really neccesary? Curse you Darken Rahl!_)

Kahlan: Denee's close!

_So they run off until they come across a prison disguised as a fortress._

Kahlan: Denee must be in there. But how will we get in?

Richard: Well... ever since I discovered mord sith, I've always been fantasizing about you dressing up as one and doing naughty things to me...

Kahlan: Great idea! Zedd, do some magic!

_So Kahlan, looking very sexy in her new mord sith outfit, approaches the prison guards with Richard on a leash._

Kahlan: I have a special prisoner for you! Take us to your leader!

_They do. Kahlan specifically requests that she remain alone with the warden. Once alone, she confesses him! Oh schnap!_

Kahlan: Take me to Denee!

_Richard and Kahlan are led deep into a dungeon... Hey, have you ever noticed that you can't spell dungeon without "dung?" A ha ha ha... I never realized that. Anyways, our heroes see Denee tied up in one of the cells._

Kahlan: Denee!

Denee: Kahlan! You came for me! And... you're the Seeker?

Richard: Yep.

Denee: Oh I worried you were dead. Oh and guess what? I'M PREGNANT!

Kahlan: Yay!

Confessed Man: Darken Rahl wants to raise her child as his own. You can pretty much guess why...

Richard: Let's get out of here!

_They reach the group safely._

Denee's Confessed Man: Denee! Oh Denee I've missed you so much! How are you my sweet sugary pancake? Is our baby ok?

Mother Confessor: Whut?

Denee: Finn here was already confessed so I took him as my mate.

MC: This is great! We'll have another confessor friend to join us!

Kahlan: Well this has all been very touching, but the D'Harans may be after us so we shall flee!

_Back at the prison, Demmin Nass arrives._

Nass: I hope there'll be children...

Man: General Nass? We thought you weren't coming?

Nass: Wtf?

Confessed Man: (_Attempts to stab Nass but fails. Nass kills him instead._)

Nass: Zomg you guys are so stupid... Now how am I supposed to play with that confessor child? Oh well, maybe if you capture the Seeker and the confessors, all will be forgiven.

(_Back to our group of fleeing confessors and friends._)

Denee: I think I'm going to sit down now and have my baby. Boy isn't it so convenient that as soon as you guys rescue me, I have my child. Not during my imprisonment, or a week afterwards. Nope, right now when the audience can see it. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Kahlan: Wow I'm glad I'm not in your position right now...

(Baby pops out.)

Richard: IT'S A BOY!

MC: Oh fiddlesticks!

Confessors: Oh fiddlesticks!

Richard: Wtf?

MC: We're gonna have to kill him...

Denee: After all that labor pain too!

MC: We're gonna need that Ollagallaboo Root for the ritual.

Richard: Wtf?

MC: Male confessors are evil. They must be destroyed by our super special ritual.

Confessor: I found some wolf piss over here.

MC: Great! Anyways, Richard, we must now drown the child in wolf piss, stab him with an Ollagallaboo Root, then sprinkle magical Vampire Glitter on him.

Richard: WTF?!?!

Zedd: Male confessors can't control their power! They abuse it. Therefore we kill them at birth. It's much easier that way cuz, let's be honest, most newborn babies are ugly as-

Richard: NOOOOOO!!!! We can't kill a baby! How do you know he'll really be evil? You desperately need to recruit more confessors!

MC: Oh Richard... there's been many cases where confessors try teaching their male child to be good... but it's never worked. Like me! I finally had to kill him when he was 11. Now that was painful!

Richard: (_Babbles on about a .01% possibility that Denee's child might turn out good because he is related to Kahlan and everything Kahlanish is super sweet and awesome._)

Kahlan: Richard... Stfu! We must do it now before we get attached and he gets cuter!

Richard: No! (_Knocks over bottles of Vampire Glitter and wolf piss._)

MC: (_Facepalm._)

Confessors: (_Facepalm._)

Kahlan: (_Facepalm._)

Baby: (_Facepalm._)

Richard: No one is going to hurt this baby! NO ONE!

MC: Oh Richard... if only you knew how we kill them in the books...

Nightwisp: The D'Harans are close! Err... I mean... Cooo cooo cooo... coo.

Zedd: We must flee!

Richard: I shall mask our trail but no one is going to harm the baby while I'm gone.

Confessors: Sure...

_They all do their thing just as the D'Harans show up._

Nass: Zomg.... Wolf piss and Vampire Glitter! They had a boy!

D'Haran: I found some tracks over here...

_Richard flees back to the group bragging about how he outsmarted the D'Harans by making them follow a fake trail._

Richard: And then he's all, like, "I found some tracks over here" and it was so funny because it leads to our toilet spot. Do you think they'll step-

Zedd: Richard, enough!

Richard: Oh, they know we had a boy. Speaking of which, where is he?

Kahlan: Oh no worries... Finn is going to take him to his Uncle's farm so that the D'Harans can't get him.

Richard: Hey! Do you think Finn is Finnish?

Kahlan: Whut? Finnish? Wtf?!

Richard: Well, people from Finland are called Finns and Finn's name is Finn so would that make him Finnish?

Kahlan: (_Facepalm._) Richard... You are so stupid. There is no Finland in Legend of The Seeker or The Sword of Truth books!

Richard: Oh... Hey! I just realized... There aren't any farms nearby. You LIED! How could you?!

Kahlan: Zomg Richard...

(So t_hey argue about each other's culture which results in Richard fleeing to Finn._)

Richard: Oh confessed Finnishman, you cannot go through with this!

Finn: It's so weird.... I should be able to do this with a happy smile on my face, knowing that I have pleased my mistress. But instead, I am stalling for a possible chance of my work to be interfered. Oh cruel changes!

Richard: Think of it this way... Denee doesn't want her baby killed. All that childbirth pain that we men are lucky to never experience. In a way, saving this baby is pleasing her!

Finn: You're right! Thank you Richard for getting me out of this. (_Hands over baby._)

Richard: Hey, are you Finnish?

_The next morning..._

MC: Zomg Finn! I can't believe you gave the child to the Seeker!

Finn: But... my mistress doesn't really want him dead...

Denee: Yes, yes I did...

Finn: Nooooo!!! Forgive me mistress for I hath failed!

MC: Okay, we're all gonna split up now.

Kahlan: I'll go after Richard alone.

_Oh boy! Now we get to see Demmin Nass and his army of soldiers. Bleh..._

Soldier Tracker Person: Uhh... we can't find their trail...

Nass: They can't be too far! And that child better still be alive or I will make you wear my grandmother's nightdress and sing show tunes!

_Now onto Richard, comforting a not-crying baby._

Richard: It's okay, Richard Jr. I won't let those evil, nasty, mean confessors hurt you...

_Enter Kahlan._

Kahlan: So you're just gonna keep running away with this child, eh? Kinda hard to defeat Darken Rahl that way. Anyways, I know you think we're barbaric but that child is a threat!

Richard: How do you know if you don't let him live?!

_And then they have another little lover's spat that goes on for a few minutes until the baby starts crying because he can't take the fighting any longer._

Kahlan: Well, I guess we should feed him, even though we're going to kill him anyway...

_So they feed the baby which shuts him up and Kahlan and Richard make up over this. In fact, Kahlan decides to take Richard's side._

Kahlan: So... what were you gonna do?

Richard: Give him to The Sisters of Light.

Kahlan: Silly Richard... They won't take in a male confessor. No one would.

_Enter Zedd and Mother Confessor._

Zedd: BOO!

Richard and Kahlan: AAAHHHH!! (_Prepare to flee._)

Zedd: Wait! We don't need to fight! We just need to kill this baby! If you had a chance to kill Darken Rahl as a baby, wouldn't you?

Richard: You had that chance but you didn't!

Zedd: What?

Richard: Huh? Oh, nothing... Anyways, this baby shall live!

MC: Okay! There is no choice. I'll have to use my powers...

Zedd: Wtf? On Richard? You're crazy!

MC: No... on you! (_Confesses Zedd._)

Zedd: Mistress, command me!

Richard and Kahlan: Wtf?!

MC: Kahlan, you're a traitor! HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME! Anyways, Zedd, get that boy!

Zedd: Yes mistress. (_Uses magic to knock down Richard._)

Richard: Wtf?! Zedd, I don't want to fight!

MC: Richard... Just hand over that baby and you can get on with your mission!

Kahlan: Wtf?! How can he do that when you confessed a Wizard of The First Order!

MC: Once the baby is dead, I'll command Zedd to continue helping the Seeker. Although I'll probably end up dying in this episode so that Zedd will return back to normal...

Richard: No...

MC: Zedd- Make him gtfo!

_So Zedd shoots some Wizard's Fire which Richard dodges. The next shot of fire Richard blocks with his sword... Something that actually happens in the book, under different circumstances, of course. Anyways, Richard is still blocking the fire while Kahlan shrieks her concerns until Zedd stops and uses magic to take away Richard's sword. You know, it would make more sense for him to use that same magic to get the baby out of Kahlan's arms, but then the show would end about twenty minutes early, and be a lot less exciting._

MC: Okay, I'm getting bored now. Kahlan, the Seeker's life is more important than the baby's. And you love him! Now hand over that baby!

Richard: Nooooooooo!

Kahlan: (_Hands over baby._)

MC: Thank you. (_Leaves. Zedd follows._)

_Meanwhile, the group of Confessors and Finn are wandering the forest aimlessly._

Finn: I'm sorry my sprinkley dinkley cuppy-cake. I can't believe I failed you! (_Sobs __uncontrollably._)

Denee: It's okay... Seriously. I don't mind...

Confessor: Wtf? It's a male confessor! Ancient ways must be honored, we've been doing this for thousands of years and blah de blah de blah de blah...

Denee: Wow, that sounds like the same speech Kahlan gave when she heard we were fleeing the Midlands! Anyways, there's only six of us now. And we're already breaking one ancient tradition by leaving to Valeria. What's another one or two or ten gonna hurt?

_Back to Richard and Kahlan._

Kahlan: Oh Richard... I just couldn't let them hurt you!

Richard: It's okay...

_Enter group of confessors._

Confessor: Oh good, we found you!

Kahlan: She took the baby to the shores to drown him. And she confessed Zedd. And stole the Sword of Truth. That woman is getting crazy!

Confessor: Now what?

Richard: Let's get help!

_Meanwhile... D'Harans are being D'Harany..._

Nass: The trail ends right here! Where the bloody candlesticks did he go?!

D'Haran Soldier: Hey... What's this brown stuff all over my shoe?

Nass: (_Facepalm._)

Richard: I'm back! And unarmed... Wow this is dangerous!

Nass: Yes it is...

_Confessors suddenly pop out from behind trees like ninjas. D'Harans pull out weapons. Then, both confessors and D'Haran's alike run at each other, screaming, instead of talking out their issues like civilized people. Richard manages to steal someone's sword. And since we can't have a Legend of The Seeker episode without an epic sword battle, we get the pleasure of watching one! Confessors everywhere confess soldiers while Richard and Kahlan mainly focus on the fighting part. Richard finally manages to pin Nass down and Kahlan runs over to confess him! Will she chop off his balls and make him eat them? Probably not, because this show can't go any farther than having a Mord Sith poking a shirtless man with a magical rod. Oh well._

_Meanwhile, Zedd and the Mother Confessor and the baby are running towards an ocean. _

Zedd: Wow... look at that army!

MC: Stop them!

_So Zedd starts shooting off Wizard's Fire because it's a fast and convenient spell. The Mother Confessor continues running with the baby, who begins crying. Why he is crying makes perfect sense- Since he just ate, he probably needs a diaper change! Wait... Is he even wearing diapers at all? That means that that blanket is full of... Oh, enough of my poor attempts at humor! _

_Anyways, Demmin Nass is still standing and starts doing crazy sword tricks cuz he thinks he's super awesome. Zedd sees past his awesomeness and instead shoots him with Wizard's Fire, causing Nass to die. The confessors show up._

MC: Kahlan... You are a disgrace to confessors everywhere! I am ashamed of you. Defying the Mother Confessor like that! And to think, I thought you'd be next in line to be Mother Confessor...

Finn: YOU'RE MEAN! (_Stabs Mother Confessor, killing her._)

Richard: Zedd! Are you okay?

Zedd: Yay! I'm free!

_Then they all have a nice little funeral for the Mother Confessor where they say only kind things about that crazy beezy. _

Kahlan: Well, I guess this means that we'll have to choose a new Mother Confessor.

Confessors: We have! We choose you! I mean, you're already wearing the white dress.

Kahlan: Aww... I'm honored! But I must continue to help Richard.

Confessors: It's okay. We decided we'd stay in the Midlands after all!

Kahlan: Cool... Now take Mira for she shall help you! Even though Night Wisps can't live long outside their little Night Wisp community...

_So Denee, Finn, and the baby all sail off to Valeria while everyone waves goodbye. And they all live happily ever-_

Richard: Holy fucking shit! God damn sonuva bitches! Fucking ass-wiping turtle bastards! Crap!

Kahlan: Zomg! What's wrong?

Richard: Oh, I just realized that we almost went an entire chapter without swearing. So I decided to fix that!

Everyone: (_Facepalm._)


	11. Confession

_Enter a man writing some junk down. A woman enters._

Woman: Since Evelyn has a broken leg, I'm gonna give her some breakfast, massage her back, throw her a puppet show, then buy her a puppy. Will you be alright?

Man: Me? What about you? Stay on the main roads, don't accept candy, and make sure Evelyn brushes her teeth! All these deaths... Someone's after the resistance and I'm too young to die! Oh, and Kahlan's coming.

Woman: Kahlan? YAY!

_Meanwhile, Zedd and Richard are talking about where to hide the Box of Orden which was neglected last episode..._

Richard: So, where should we hide it?

Zedd: Up your butt, 'round the corner, in the trash!

Richard: Wtf? I think that would've sounded funnier if you said "ass" instead.

Zedd: Oh Richard... I thought we had this talk. We are going to try having a chapter with absolutely no swearing! We would've been successful last chapter but you blew it! And now... you just blew it again! Anyways, I know someone who can give me a key to hide this box in a magical crypt place thing in Tamarang.

_Enter Kahlan._

Kahlan: We need to leave now! Look at this note someone gave to me! I have friends in trouble...

Richard: Wtf? I can't read this! It's in English. I can only read German...

Kahlan: Zomg Richard... Anyways, we need to meet up with the leader of the resistance. He and his wife helped me back when I had that book you just had to burn... Anyways, I'll go help them while you and Zedd get the key!

Richard: But.. I love you! I can't be separated from you!

Zedd: Richard's right. You two help the leader and I'll get the key! We'll meet at this one place the day after tomorrow.

_So Richard and Kahlan march off to the leader's house. Since nobody answers the door, Kahlan feels the need to break in._

Kahlan: Conner? Oh Conner... Come out come out where ever you are...

Richard: Ollie Ollie Oxin Free!

_Woman starts crying._

Kahlan: What's wro- OMG! You cut your hair! It looks so pretty...

Woman: Thank you, but... Conner's dead!

_Enter Man._

Man: I'm here! What's the problem? Oh, you got a haircut! How wonderful...

Kahlan: Conner's dead...

Man: Curse those ghastly ghouls of the dark!

Woman: This is the Constable. I sent for him...

Kahlan: I'm Kahlan Amnell.

Constable: Great! We need a Confessor.

Richard: I'm Richard Cypher.

Constable: (_Looks at Richard's sword_.) You're the Seeker! How wonderful. Now, woman whose name the author did not catch, do you have any idea who did this?

Woman: (_Shakes head and continues sobbing hysterically_.)

Constable: There have been two other murders against the resistance. One looked like a suicide attempt. He had no reason to commit suicide, but he recently joined some crazy cult of people called The Emos. And the other man was crushed under his own wagon, but no one saw it happen. Unless it was three in the morning. But who would be fixing their wagon at that hour? Who would be out at that hour? Unless he was having an affair...

Woman: I went to bring a sick friend breakfast. He told me he'd be alright but clearly he lied! He was more concerned about me...

Richard: (_Notices some funky seeds on Conner._) Say... did your friend live by a marsh?

Woman: No... A meadow.

Richard: Well these seeds are only found in marshes. Most interesting...

Constable: There's only one marsh here...

_So they all march off to a house by a marsh._

Man: I've never been to Conner's house! I swear!

Kahlan: O rly?

Man: Ya rly!

Constable: So, Niles, you wouldn't know anything about a man going around at night chopping the heads off people.

Niles: The Headless Horseman?

Constable: Exactly!

Richard: Whut? Anyways... explain these seeds found by your house!

Kahlan: Where were you on April 19th, 1954 at 9:07 am?

Niles: Uh... I dunno. Sleeping?

Kahlan: HA! You're lying! We're not in the nineteen hundreds yet...

Niles: Whut? I'm confused... Anyways, I was hunting this morning!

Kahlan: Stop lying! I studied with the Lightman Group! I know my micro expressions. Your pinky just twitched which means you're lying!

Constable: And look at this doodad thingy! (_Holds up doodad thingy._) Looks like something Conner has but has no more...

_Enter woman._

Woman: Zomg! Wtf?!

Constable: Oh Lu, Conner is dead and your brother obviously killed him because he twitched his pinky...

Lu: Noooooo!!!! He'll never kill someone! He might have roughhoused with me in the past, and once gave me a black eye but he'd never actually kill a man!

_So they all take Niles away to what I assume to be a funky jail/court place._

Constable: This man refuses to speak! Since there are no Ten Ammendments here in Legend of The Seekerland, could you use your power to force him to speak?

Kahlan: Okay!

Richard: But... What if he's innocent? He'll lose his mind, will, soul, family, friends, goldfish, and pants!

Kahlan: Pants? Anyways, that matters not for I can tell he's lying. His pinky twitched, dammit!

Richard: Hey! I thought Zedd told us not to swear in this chapter.

Kahlan: Well Zedd's not here to know! So shut your mother fucking mouth before I bitch smack you to last year!

Richard: Ah hellz no bitch!

_So the have a little argument over morality. One in which Kahlan begins pelting the marsh seeds at Richard until he finally complies. They then go to Niles' dung-eon cell where Kahlan confesses him._

Kahlan: What happened when Conner died?

Niles: It was April 19th, 1954 at 9:07 am. I was at his house and I stabbed him. I'm so sorry for lying! Please forgive me! I'll do anything. Why, I'll follow you around on your adventure and clean off every speck of dirt that falls upon your white dress!

Kahlan: That's okay. I already have about five confessed men doing that for me.

Richard: Whut?

Kahlan: Nothing... Anyways, do you know anything about the other deaths?

Niles: No.

Kahlan: No one helped you? No D'Harans?

Niles: Nope. Please don't hate me! I luuuuurrrrrve you!

_So Niles is hung and everyone cheers._

Constable: Oh Kahlan, good thing you came when you did! I'm so sorry he died.

Kahlan: I know. But at least we caught the killer...

Richard: But... what about the other deaths?

_Enter Man._

Man: Constable! I've been robbed! Halp!

Constable: Wtf? Where?

Man: North of here... Right after sunrise... Hey! That's the guy! (_Points to Niles' dead body_.)

Kahlan: Wtf? This man was killing another man at sunrise!

Man: But... He's the guy!

Richard: (_Gaspo._) We just killed an innocent man! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE LISTEN TO MEH?!?!

_Meanwhile, Zedd is trekking uphill to a quaint little house. A man is working in the front yard. _

Zedd: Theddicus! It's me, Zedd!

Theddicus: Who? Oh you must be that man who disappeared 23 years ago and never sent word on anything!

Zedd: I'm sorry! I was in Westland.

Thedd: Oh doing your special magical businessy stuff cuz you're oh so special!

Zedd: Why... Yes. I suppose I am special! Is mother around?

Thedd: Srsly? We''re, like, 60 years old living in medieval times. Do you really think our mom would still be alive? Nonetheless, here is her grave I built for her. May her decomposing corpse fertilize the plants and feed the parasites for years to come. She died five years ago wondering why her ickle Zeddikins never came home.

_So Zedd broke down and cried like a little girl who lost her favorite dolly._

Thedd: There there... Come inside and I'll feed you and bathe you and you can tell me all about your exciting adventures.

_Meanwhile, Kahlan is interrogating the robbed man._

Kahlan: You were frightened...

Man: It was him I know it! He has those same eyes. And hair. And clothes. Even though a lot of people here wear the same outfits and have facial hair and blue eyes...

Kahlan: So you were looking into his eyes. And you've been looking into my eyes. What color are my eyes! And don't look...

Man: Green!

Kahlan: No... They're blue.

Man: But... In the books they're green!

Kahlan: Yes, but here everything is different. They're blue, betch! Now, someone must've paid you to come here to lie to my face. Who?!

Man: I'm telling the truth I swear!

Richard: Kahlan... Are you sure Niles didn't lie?

Kahlan: No! It's not possible for a confessed person to lie to his confessor! Man, what did they take from you?

Man: They took some silver, tools, and this pretty bracelet with rubies, sparkles, and pearls with "Made In China" inscribed on the back.

Kahlan: LIAR! There's no China in Legend of The Seekerland...

Richard: Wait... a pretty bracelet with rubies, sparkles, and pearls with "Made In China" inscribed? Zomg! I know who has it!

_Next scene, at Niles' house._

Richard: See! Lu has it!

Constable: (_Looks at bracelet around Lu's wrist._) Well what do you know? Made In China!

Richard: Where'd you get that?

Lu: My brother gave it to me this morning...

Man: Yeah, cuz he stole it from me!

Lu: Then... He couldn't have killed Conner! I told you he wasn't a murderer! He might be a thief, but not a killer! Stupid Confessor killed my brother. I HATE YOU AND YOUR EVIL POWERS TO STEAL SOULS AND EAT BABIES!

Constable: Calm down! We're sorry for this little mistake...

_Back at Conner's house._

Conner's Wife Whose Name I Never Caught: All of this doesn't make sense! The seeds, the murder, the robbery, the everything!

Richard: You know what doesn't make sense? Santa Claus! How can someone that fat fit down chimneys?

Kahlan: Magic, duh! Wait... Magic must be behind this! Is there anyone around who's magical?

Constable: Well there is some crazy man who thinks he's a sorceror...

_So Richard and Kahlan trek off to this mysterious man. During this trip, Kahlan cries over the life of an innocent man and questions her sanity while Richard comforts her. And then... Someone shoots an arrow at Kahlan! It hits her leg and the ninja assassin runs off._

Richard: Okay, I'm gonna try pulling this out. I'm no doctor but I used to play Operation with Michael and my Dad back home. I never won... (_Pulls out arrow which makes Kahlan scream._)

Kahlan: Great, now go after that assassin while I limp back to town for help!

Richard: But...

Kahlan: GO BEFORE I STEAL YOUR SOUL!

Richard: (_Flees. He comes across a house, in which he enters. He finds the assassin's weapon and cloak on the floor along with a puddle of blood._) Holy cheesey noodles!

_Back to Thedd's house._

Zedd: Wow that was a good meal. You are such a good cook!

Thedd: Oh, stop being a such kiss ass.

Zedd: But... I love your foods! Srsly!

Thedd: I can't believe it's been 23 years... Your room is still the same. Well, except for all the cobwebs, and dust, and mice. Why, just last week I saw a herd of mutant cockroaches building a nest in there... Anyways, what made you finally come back to this dump?

Zedd: Oh, well you see, I only came here because I need something important. I really had no intentions of striking up conversations of our past and our futures...

Thedd: WTF?! That's not cool! Well, if it's for some of your crazy magical rubbish, I sold it all!

Zedd: Well you couldn't have sold that one key to that one crypt in that one place, could you?

Thedd: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Of course I did.

Zedd: WHAT?! You, sir, are a moron!

Thedd: Zomg! Just because I'm not some great wizard and you were. Man, while you were off turning girls into frogs, I was busting my butt cleaning rain gutters and blah blah blah!

Zedd: Oh yeah? Well you were always borrowing my clothes without asking! And blah blah blah!

_So Zedd and Thedd have a fat argument about sibling rivalry which results in Zedd leaving._

_We now go back to Kahlan- who is much better eye candy than two old, bickering men. A man is tending to her wounds._

Man: So you didn't see who did this?

Kahlan: No. Couldn't see him.

Man: Oh so we're always assuming it's a man. Oh no! The big scary man shot me! Never, oh no! That fat, ugly chick shot me! Jeez, I know women haven't gotten their rights yet but I'm sure women are just as capable of shooting arrows as men. I bet it was Lu...

Kahlan: Good point. Let's go to her cabin place thing!

_So they break into her cabin place thing where the find Lu slumped up against a wall, appearing dead. Richard is sitting nearby._

Kahlan: Zomg! Richard! Wtf is going on?

Richard: I... killed her. I think. I remember coming in here, seeing Lu's junk on the floor and then Lu suddenly started scratching at me so I defended myself by killing her.

Kahlan: Nooooez!!! You're Richard! You're too awesome to kill pplz!!! I refuse to believe this false tale you are conjuring up. TELL ME THE TRUTHS!!!

Richard: But... That's what my memory is telling me! And my memory hasn't lied to me yet.

Kahlan: Ah but Niles' memory lied to him. Hurrr... Magic must be behind this! Come, we shall find this sorceror!

_Back at Thedd's, there is a knock at the door._

Thedd: Ah, go away you thumb-sucking rodent!

_Some big, fat troll guy breaks in the door._

Troll Guy: You owe me moneys!

Thedd: But... I ain't got no moneys!!!

Troll Guy: Well too bad! (_Beats the shizzle out of Thedd._)

Thedd: Wow magic would be handy right about now...

_Enter Zedd._

Zedd: STUPEFY!!! (_Magically knocks Troll Guy to the ground_.) If you ever show up here again I will rip out your intestines and feed them to the wallabies!

Troll Guy: I don't think wallabies enjoy intestines...

Zedd: OUT!!!

_Troll Guy flees._

Thedd: You're back! What do you want this time?

Zedd: Well I suddenly realized that you and Richard are the only family I have left. And since Richard has about as much brain as a bag of bricks, you'll have to do.

_At this mysterious sorceror place in which the sorceror himself looks more like a gamer than a sorceror..._

Kahlan: What do you know about this magical that alters memories? ANSWER ME VIDEO GAME FREAK!

Sorceror: Whoa girl, you just had to ask! No, I had nothing to do with this!

Kahlan: Oh rattails... He's telling the truth!

Sorceror: I'm not really a proper sorceror. I'm only in training. I mean, I should be a full sorceror by now but I've been wasting my life away on this awesome game called World of Warcraft. Ever play it?

Richard: Whut?

Sorceror: What about Legend of Zelda?

Richard: Wtf?

Sorceror: Final Fantasy? Kingdom Hearts? Pokemon? Come on! Everyone loves Pokemon!

Kahlan: Umm... We have more important matters to discuss that don't involve these games of videoness. Do you have any magical talents?

Sorceror: Well, when I'm not playing games, I'm reading this awesome book series called Harry Potter. They talk about magic and powders and potions all the time! Why I know all about bezoars and Polyjuice Potion and all kinds of magical elixirs!

Kahlan: Anything about stuff that alters memories?

Sorceror: Um... Well... All I know of is this thing called a Pensieve. But that's pretty much just a memory storing container. Oh, and there's also Occlumency and Legilimency but that all involves mind reading. Hurr... Nope! I got nothing.

Kahlan: Um... okay. Do you know of any magic that exists in _our _world?

Sorceror: Aw that's no fun! Nonetheless I do have this boring history book that my teacher keeps making me read. It mentions some device and some wizard who took visions from his head and put it inside someone else's.

_Enter Constable._

Constable: Looky what I found while searching Luna's house! A letter in the fire place. Can't make out the writing though. Help!

Sorceror: Ooooo! Magic even I can do! REPARO! (_Letter fixes itself._) See, Harry Potter magic works in this world too!

Kahlan: Right... I shall read that letter! Ahem. "Dear Luliboo, I can't meet you tonight because my wife is getting suspicious. But I wuuuvs you! ~ Connor."

Constable: (_Mentions stuff about a Lu and a Luna and an Ella and I'm just all confused by all these names! Yeah, I'm lost._)

_So they go to Conner's wife's house- whatever her name may be._

Wife: Why? Why must you tell me this?!

Kahlan: Oh Nella...

_So that's what her name is! _

Kahlan: Nella, did you kill Conner? And Luna even though I thought her name was Lu? Yeah, even I'm confused at this point.

Nella: Yes... Yes I did. I'm so sorry!

Constable: Alright! Where the magical device that enabled you to alter memories?

Nella: (_Pulls out mysterious, colorful, orb thingymabobster_.) I told Conner I was bringing breakfast to a friend but then I killed him, gathered some seeds from Niles' cabin, and sprinkled them on Conner. Basically I framed Niles and put my visions into his own head.

Kahlan: And Richard?

Nella: Oh that pesky seeker... After I killed Lu I assaulted him and placed my memories into his head too.

Constable: Okay, Jail time for you!

_Back at Thedd's._

Thedd: And here's some nice lemon squares for you to take on your journey. So now where are you going?

Zedd: Sorry, can't tell you. Bye!

Thedd: Wait! I lied to you about the key. I still haz it! (_Hands over key_.)

Zedd: Hooray!

_And now we get to see Nella prepare for her death._

Richard: So, what about those other two deaths that have not been mentioned since the beginning of this episode?

Constable: Oh yes, we be working on finding that out now.

_Kahlan then notices scratches on his neck. Very suspicious since Richard himself made a comment about Lu scratching at him. _

Kahlan: Richard... You said Lu scratched you, right?

Richard: In Nella's memory? Yes. Right here.

Kahlan: Holy cheese balls! The constable has three scratch marks right there! WAIT!!!! DON'T KILL HER!!! The constable committed all the murders!

_So an epic sword battle starts up because no Legend of The Seeker episode is complete without one. Kahlan confesses the constable during the action. But what's this? We're taken to a place where the constable is being interrogated? That battle barely lasted ten seconds! Ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselves a record! The episode with the least amount of battles is this one! Moving on..._

Constable: Yes, I'm not with the resistance. You see, Darken Rahl is so sexy that he uses his sexiness to protect us all. Anyways, I heard Conner was sending word for you so I had to kill him. Then I used that device on Niles. The device? Yeah, got it from my dad. Anyways, then you showed up and ruined all the fun. So I tried killing you, Confessor. But then that Seeker... Had to deal with him too. It all just added up on and on. I was involved in the other murders too. And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids! Oh, I sent word to the D'Harans that you're here. Better run away fast now.

_So Kahlan and Richard run off to meet Zedd where they tell him all the exciting news._

Zedd: Wow, this magical orb is really magical. Anyways, I got the magical key!

Kahlan: Yay!


	12. Home

_Well kiddies, we have reached the halfway point in the last episode. Most of the episodes we've had have been fillers, and now it's time for another filler! And not just any ordinary filler. Nooo... We have a flashback filler! That's right... This episode is nothing but a montage of random flashbacks! And who's responsible for these flashbacks? Well... You can pretty much guess who. You know, I'm not even gonna waste my time trying to find this episode to watch. Nope! It's all gonna come straight from my memory because nothing of any importance or interest happens at all in this episode. _

_We start off with Richard back in his homeland. His father and brother are there._

George: Wow Richard! You took quite a fall.

Richard: Wtf? You're supposed to be dead! And Michael... You're an ass!

Michael: Wtf? Poo poo head...

George: What are you talking about?

Richard: Where's Zedd and Kahlan?!

George: You mean the chicken man? Why I do believe he's talking to his chickens! And... who's Kahlan?

_So we get to be reminded of who that chick in the white dress is. And then Richard runs off to Zedd's house to prove he's not crazy._

Richard: Zedd! Oh Zedd!

Zedd: (_Stokes chicken._) Preciouuusssss preciouuuussss chicken.... NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

Richard: Wtf? You're a wizard and....

_We are now reminded of who that crazy old man in the robes is._

Zedd: Wow my precious chicken, if only my life was that exciting!

Richard: Wtf? That dream seemed so real!

Zedd: Yeah? Well I once had a dream that I won a date with Johnny Depp! I thought it was pretty real. And when I woke up I still thought it was real until I realized that wet stuff around my mouth was drool...

Richard: Zedd! You named me as the Seeker!

Zedd: Seeker? I didn't realize we were playing hide and seek... But you know what? Why don't you share some more of this dream.

Richard: Okay! Flashbacks are oodles of fun!

Kahlan: Richard! Richard, wake up!

_What's this? Richard is actually dreaming that he was dreaming? Confusing. But it is revealed that Richard is, indeed, asleep right now and the real Zedd and Kahlan are trying to wake him up. Which fails to work._

Kahlan: RICHARD!!! (_Shakes him._) Wake up!

Zedd: Oh noez! I think he's under this uber rare spell that is so rare that it's not even in the books! You see those three stars in the sky? Yeah, if we can't wake Richard up before the last star dips behind the moon then he'll be lost in his dream forever!

Kahlan: Wow! That sounds a lot more similar to The Wheel of Time than The Sword of Truth! I mean, the getting lost in a dream if you don't get out of it when you see the archway part.

Zedd: Whut? There's no archways involved...

Kahlan: Oh.

_In Darken Rahlland..._

Darken: Oh yes... I have found the ultimate form of torture... An entire episode consisting of flashbacks and the only thing interesting about this episode is that I'm in it! Right, man who is pacing around the room behind me?

Pacing Man: Right.

Darken Rahl: Well, I'm still not getting any information on The Boxes of Orden. He's such a moron... Falling in love with that Confessor. Oh well. All I know is that both of us are sexier than that Richard!

Man: Yes... Yes we are. Now my I suggest asking Richard what other magical objects he's come across?

Darken: Ah... good point!

_So Darken Rahl returns to Richard's dream as Zedd._

Dream Zedd: Such a magical journey you had! Why, you must've come across some magical people and animals and objects...

Richard: Yes.. yes I did!

_So now we have a montage involving people, creatures, and objects Richard has run into between episodes one and eleven. Fun stuff._

Richard: And there were these boxes... (_Explains Boxes of Orden._) But... you know I don't feel very comfortable talking about those. In fact, you're kinda weirding me out. Bye!

_Back to Darken Rahl._

Darken: Dash it all!

Man: My Lord... You should become one of his childhood friends! Maybe a lady one who can take his mind off that Confessor.

Darken: What a wonderful idea, mystery man whose name no one knows yet!

_So Darken Rahl enters Richard's dream as a hot chick. Makes perfect sense- a hot man being a hot woman._

Chick: Hello there Richard! Remember me?

Richard: Oh Nadine... It's been such a long time. Wow.

Chick: Nadine? I'm Anna!

Richard: Anna? Oh! Ha ha... Anna. Of course I remember you. You left meh!!!!

Anna: Wtf? My father made me move.

Richard: I know but you still left meh!!!

Anna: Anyways... I heard about your crazy dream. Tell me about it.

Richard: Naw... All these flashbacks are giving me a headache. I'd rather take a...

Anna: NO! TELL ME!!!!

Richard: Ok...

_So we now view a bunch of clips from past episodes- again._

Richard: And Darken Rahl was after The Boxes of Orden so we had to hide it.

Anna: Ooo where's you hide it?

Richard: Uhh... You know, I suddenly don't feel comfortable talking about that. But hey, there were these crazy S&M obsessed chicks who enjoyed poking people with a magical rod that inflicts pain. And sometimes they read you the Twilight series. Now _that_ was torture!

Anna: I bet. So, where'd you hide the boxes again?

_In reality..._

Zedd: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Don't tell him Richard!

Kahlan: Wake up Richard!

_You know, they could try dumping some cold water on him. But then we would've been spared of this episode a half hour ago. Ho hum._

_In Dreamland..._

Richard: We buried it under a tree Southwest of Trollsbridge.

_In Darkenland..._

Darken: Yes! Send the army there, Wizard!

_In Dreamland..._

Anna: Wow! What kind of tree?

Richard: It doesn't grow here.

_In reality..._

Zedd: No hope. That last star is almost gone... We're gonna lose him in there forever!

Kahlan: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU RICHARD!!!!!! (_Cries._)

_In Darkenland..._

Darken: I love you Richard.

_In Dreamland..._

Anna: I love you Richard.

_In Disneyland..._

Mickey Mouse: I love you Richard.

_In Dreamland..._

Richard: Well, it blossoms in the spri-

Anna: An Alagor?

Richard: Al Gore? How do you know about Al Gore?! Unless.... (_A tear falls upon Richard._)

_In reality Kahlan is sobbing over Richard's sleeping body. And we now see another montage of old clips involving Richard and Kahlan's love._

Kahlan: See the truth! SEE IT DAMN YOU!!!!!

_In Dreamland..._

Richard: ZOMG! You're not Anna... YOU'RE DARKEN RAHL!!! Eeeek! (_Jerks awake to reality._)

Richard: Kahlan? Zedd? Zomg! We have to dig up the boxes!

_So they hurry off to dig up the boxes which we had no idea they buried in the first place. Weren't they supposed to be taking them to some mysterious crypt place? Idk!_

_In Darkenland..._

Darken: SET UP THE SPELL AGAIN, DAMMIT!!!! I wasn't finished...

Wizard: I'm sorry my Lord. It is too late. Anyways, I thought you were supposed to be some great and powerful wizard. Even more powerful than Zedd! Why do you have me do all the work all the time?

Darken: I am working! Do you know how hard it is to look this beautiful all the time? Now get into my bed! I need someone to help relieve me of this stress...

_Back to Richard and co._

Richard: Wow this chapter seems so short...

Kahlan: Well yeah. That's because nothing happened!

Zedd: Yup! Darken Rahl's biggest evil yet- An episode where nothing exciting happens! It was only good for people who just tuned into the series...

Kahlan: And here people can just reread the last eleven chapters if they're lost. Now we must continue our journey and hope the next episode is much more eventful.


	13. Hartland

_Okay, so some random man (whose face is covered by a hood) is being chased by a large group of D'Harans. This obviously means that this man pissed them off. And you don't want to piss off the D'Harans... Anyways, this guy outsmarts them by diving behind this riverbank that sort of slopes upward. This in no way resembles how the Hobbits hid from the Dark Riders in Lord of The Rings. And I guess just like the Dark Riders, D'Harans hate water because they sort of stop, see the river, and run away like frightened children._

_And now we switch to a scene with the wayfaring characters we are familiar with._

Kahlan: Oh silly little Richard... He's fine!

Richard: Whut? Idk what you're talking about.

Kahlan: Oh Richard... I know you miss him. And worry for him.

Richard: I know that Zedd is going off to hide the Box of Orden. And he told you. Why must you keep secrets from meh?!?!

_Suddenly they hear some weird noise. We are now back to this unknown Frodo-wannabe who is running for his life even though there are no Dark Riders or D'Harans following him._

Richard: STOP!

Man: (_Pulls down hood and turns around. Zomg! It's Chase!_)

Richard: Chase?

Chase: Yeah, I'm being chased by Dark- I mean, D'Harans. We should leave.

_So we switch over to the D'Haran Dark Riders. They come into a meadow where Chase is lying face down on the ground, dead._

D'Haran: (_Rolls Chase over with his foot_.) I think it died...

_And then the wonderful, brave, heroic Richard jumps down from a tree, screams a battle cry, and starts attacking everyone. Yep! Since we had no new battle scenes in the last episode, we are now probably going to be subject to numerous battle scenes in this episode to make up for it. And, as always, our group manages to defeat all of these D'Harans unscathed._

Richard: Whew! Now that that's over with, wtf are you doing here?!

Chase: Oh, I decided to take a little vacation. Do some site-seeing. Have you seen The Eiffel Tower? It's HUGE!

Kahlan: Wtf? That's in Paris!

Chase: Fo real? Well then I guess I'll tell you the truth. I was in a D'Haran labor camp!

Richard: Whut?

Chase: Well, long story short a group of gars invaded Hartland when the boundary was brought down so I went to your brother and we went to the boundary but met a bunch of D'Harans instead and they arrested me. But no one messes with Chase! I escaped and searched for you. Anyways, now I need to go back to Hartland to find my family.

Richard: Well what was the point of searching for us if you're just gonna go back home? We'll go with you!

Kahlan: But... Darken Rahl's the other way!

_But of course, Richard gets his way. And Richard and Chase disguise themselves as D'Haran soldiers. Kahlan just looks like her everyday self so I don't know how they'll explain her if they get stopped by other D'Harans. Oh well. They ride off to the boundary which is still up but has some sort of archway you can walk through that is guarded by D'Harans. I guess the cannonballs weren't that effective after all!_

Chase: Yo foos, I be a member of the Dragon Cors and we ain't take shit from no mother fuckin' foot soldiers! Now let us through!

Soldier: Um... We can't let you through without documents. Viceroy's orders.

Chase: O rly? Well I be delivering dis ho to the Viceroy! (_Points to Kahlan who is now dressed like a whore._)

Soldier: Okay!

_So the soldiers let them pass through. The gang rides off to Chase's house. They go inside only to find it empty._

Richard: Let's search town! Maybe someone can tell us where they are.

_And they go to town. Kahlan is back in normal clothes. I guess she can easily blend in with the crowd. Idk. The town is full of D'Harans, which Richard notes to prove he is an observant fellow. Then we see Anna. The chick from the last episode. So I guess the purpose of the last episode was to introduce this character without having to explain who she is in this episode._

Richard: Anna?

Kahlan: Wtf? Who's that skank?

Richard: Oh... Someone I knew.

Chase: Heh heh, more than that! Man, you owned that betch!

_Okay, I take back what I said about the purpose of the last episode._

_Now bells chime. And what's this? Everyone stops what they're doing, gather outside this large building, and get down on their knees? Could this possibly be something that actually occurs in the books? Something familiar? We shall wait and see._

_Anyways, Michael comes out on a balcony and addresses the crowd._

Michael: Attention everyone! Let us pray.

Crowd: Master Rahl guide us. Master Rahl teach us. Master Rahl protect us. In your light we thrive. In your mercy we are sheltered. In your wisdom we are humbled. We live only to serve, our lives are yours.

_Oh. My. God. It's a miracle! The devotion! The actual devotion! I'm impressed. Oh wait- I just remembered. Darken Rahl is behind all the changes. Of course the one thing he'd keep is a devotion to his awesomeness. _

_And holy crap! I was so surprised to see something from the books that I didn't notice the gar that appeared. Now the devotion is interrupted and people are fleeing for their lives. But then a soldier kills it with an arrow and everyone is happy again._

Michael: All hail Lord Rahl!

_And everyone gets back into prayer position but instead of reciting the devotion speech, they chant "All hail Lord Rahl." I got too excited too soon. After the devotion, everyone went back to whatever they were doing._

Chase: Damn things have changed! Anyways, how do we find my family?

_Next scene. Michael enters his meeting room. Richard suddenly goes ninja and appears behind him with a knife. _

Michael: Richard?

Richard: Yeah! Now we are getting out of here or I will kill you!

_So Michael and Richard skip merrily over to Chase's house where they interrogate Michael._

Chase: Where's my family?

Michael: I don't know!

Chase: Don't be lyin, foo. You know where they be!

Michael: They're somewhere safe from the gars!

Chase: O rly?

Michael: Ya rly!

Kahlan: No part of his body twitched. His hand hasn't moved. He hasn't swallowed. He's not looking directly into your eyes or away from them... He's telling the truth.

Michael: The D'Harans are saving us! They were gonna seal the boundary to keep us away from the gars. But that didn't work so instead D'Harans are protecting us.

Richard: Well, now who is your leader?

Michael: The Viceroy!

_We now switch over to a man whom I assume is The Viceroy. Sadly, I do not find him attractive._

Soldier: Viceroy! Gars are attacking again... And something about moving away from the boundary.

Viceroy: Do as they ask.

Soldier: But... Why?

Viceroy: Because I said so! Now leave!

_Back to Richard and Chase. They are sneaking about outside at night. Not a safe thing to do in today's world. Oh what's this? They're stalking The Viceroy! The Viceroy knocks on someone's door and... Anna comes out! She's not dressed properly either. Which must mean that Richard's childhood love has become a whore! Yup, now she's making out with The Viceroy. That's one way for a woman to get into a seat of power._

Chase: I'm sorry your friend turned out being a ho.

_And now we're inside Anna's house! Are we gonna see some porno action? Probably not, because of little kiddies switching through channels._

Viceroy: Oh Anna... You're so intelligent and hot.

Anna: Aww.. I swoon over you!

_Back to Chase and Richard._

Richard: I don't want to stay out here all night! It's boring and my feet are getting tired and my butt is cold...

Chase: Richard, stfu and be a man!

_Back inside._

Anna: Any news about my brother?

Viceroy: The whole army is searching for him. I swear I'll find him for you! I love you and this charming village. My sweet wittle peachy pie. And- Uugh... (_Drops down to his knees._) I've drank too much. (_Passes out._)

_What's this? Anna is searching The Viceroy? She found a key. Now she's making a copy of it using the old fashion bar of soap method. Maybe Anna isn't such a whore after all!_

_Meanwhile, outside the house..._

Richard: I wish I had some sort of portable device that allowed me to do fun stuff while waiting around in boredom. I'm leaving!

Chase: Richard, noooo!!!!

_Anna leaves the house just as Richard and Chase are walking towards it._

Anna: Richard? Chase? Zomg!

Richard: We know The Viceroy is in there!

Anna: (_Gasp_.) STALKERS!

Richard: D'Harans are evil. Don't trust them or that man!

Anna: Well duh! I've been getting close to him so that I can use my womanly charms to get what I want. I think D'Harans kidnapped my brother and are forcing him to join the army.

Chase: They took my family! Why would they want a woman and children?

Richard: We must speak with The Viceroy. Leave!

Anna: Sorry but I snuck in a special potion that makes him sleep for a bit. But I have a key to a chamber that might hold the answers to our questions!

_So they sneak into the chamber to look for clues._

Richard: Hey a book shelf filled with books! Why, just about every mystery movie and TV show involves a secret behind bookshelves.

Anna: Yes... Open it!

Richard: Whoa! A bunch of scrolls and a record book! And hey... What's in this Playboy magazine? OMG it's Kahlan! I'm keeping this...

Anna: Richard! What's in the record book?

Richard: What? Oh, lists of deployments... supply requests... orders... names... This is boring! I'm going back to the magazine...

Anna: Omg! My brother's name is on that name list! They took him to Nut Grove. Two months ago.

Richard: Interesting... Nothings in Nut Grove but nuts!

_Meanwhile, in what I assume is Nut Grove, two D'Harans are chaining a prisoner onto a giant rock. They run away as a gang of gars swoop down and consume the man's flesh. Chase, Richard, and Anna are viewing this scene from a distance. _

Anna: Zomg! They're feeding people to the gars!

Richard: Yep. Doesn't surprise me.

Chase: This is some crazy shizzle!

_Back at Chase's house, Michael and Kahlan are having a lovely conversation._

Michael: Betch, my brother was fine until you came into his life. Homewrecker!

Kahlan: Omg! You don't know noodles about Richard! He's my hewo!

Michael: Ahahahahahaha! No.

_Enter Chase, Michael, and Anna._

Chase: Michael! Those D'Harans are feeding my family to the gars!

Michael: Wtf? D'Harans protect us!

Richard: And I'm the stupid one? They want you to think that! It's all staged. And every time someone masturbates, the gars kill a person.

Michael: But... They told me that Hartland had to do it's part for D'Hara. I didn't know any of this! But I haz a plan! Every evening I lead the devotion but this time, I could announce the truth instead!

Richard: Yay!

Michael: But... The Viceroy stands next to me.

Anna: Ah, but I can distract him with my womanly charms!

Richard: I do not approve-

Anna: Don't argue! I'm doing it...

Chase: What about the soldiers?

Richard: We can take them on.

_Then the gang marches off._

Kahlan: So... Anna... What's going on between you two?

Richard: Oh, she's just a friend I've known since I was pooping my pants.

Kahlan: Awww... Maybe once Darkenbutt is defeated you and Anna can get married and make little Seeker babies.

Richard: But... I to make little Confessor babies!!!!

Kahlan: Silly Richard, that can never happen!

_And Richard catches up to the rest of his friends because he has once again made things between him and Kahlan awkward._

_Meanwhile, at The Viceroy's building home place..._

Anna: Hey sexy! Let's get it on!

Viceroy: Yay!

_Meanwhile, in town, the bells chime for devotion._

Viceroy: Well making out with you has been fun but now it's time for devotion!

Anna: DIE DIE DIE MY DARLING!!!!! (_Repeatedly stabs Viceroy in the chest with a knife she had hidden in her boot._)

Viceroy: Guards!

_So the guards come and take Anna away._

_Outside, Michael prepares to make his speech._

Michael: Hartlanders! I bring you important news...

_Enter Viceroy._

Viceroy: 'Sup?

Michael: Uh... Hartlanders. We shall pray!

_Three hours later (Or so book fans hope)..._

Michael: They've taken the hobbits to Isengard!

Richard: What did you say?

Michael: Ha ha, sorry. Couldn't resist. Anyways... they've taken Anna to Northwood Grove.

Richard: What? I thought it was Nut Grove.

Michael: Yeah, well, the author of this parody has trouble hearing us sometimes. Especially when it comes to made up names. I mean, I have no idea how you can get Nut Grove out of Northwood Grove but there you have it!

_At Northwood Grove, Anna is being chained down onto a large rock. Not a very comfortable thing to sleep on._

Richard: I do not approve of this behavior. Thus, I interfere. DIE, D'HARANS WHO ARE CHAINING DOWN MY CHILDHOOD LOVE!

_And now another epic sword fight ensues. Kahlan and Chase join Richard in the fight. Richard then hurries over to Anna to unshackle her before the gars come. Sadly he is not fast enough. A particularly large gar come swooping down and gobbles Anna up like a Thanksgiving turkey. Ha ha, I'm just kidding. However, a gar did come down, but Richard killed it. And everyone killed off all the D'Harans that stood in their way._

_Meanwhile, at The Viceroy's place..._

D'Haran: The Seeker attacked us, your honorable vicey-ness! Doi hoi hoi...

Viceroy: Michael, did you know your brother was here?

Michael: Whut? I have a brother? Well that's news to me!

Viceroy: Oh Lieutenant! You know my orders!

Michael: Orders?

_At Chase's house..._

Michael: Crap! You guys have to leave! The D'Harans are liars! They never even tried to close the boundary. They're using a magical arch to keep it open! But now the Viceroy is going to close the boundary to make sure you don't escape!

Kahlan: Well this sucks.

_Next scene. A troop of D'Haran soldiers are marching towards the boundary._

_Enter Michael._

Michael: Sup?

Viceroy: I have orders from Lord Rahl to seal this. Move!

Michael: Naw, I think you should leave it open. We can have a trade route to the Midlands. And all of you will be stuck in this boring country forever!

Viceroy: No, we're gonna seal it.

Michael: Nooo!!!!

_Kahlan, Richard, and Chase suddenly appear and start attacking all the D'Harans. Yup! Third epic battle this episode! Do I even need to discuss any of it? Oh, I guess Kahlan confessing The Viceroy should be mentioned. And that Chase is so bad ass that he doesn't even use his weapons... He uses his fists! Oh, and then Michael gets stabbed in the ribs and dies! _

Richard: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Kahlan: Okay Viceroy... You shall order the gars all be killed and all D'Harans must leave Hartland. And you will obey Anna like she is me. Got it?

Viceroy: Yes, my lovely cup of noodley goodness!

Chase: Where be my family?

Viceroy: All women and children were sent to the Keep of the Something.

Kahlan: Zomg! That's in the Midlands!

Viceroy: Yeah, idk why we sent them all there. We just did.

Richard: It's okay, Chase. We'll find your family!

Chase: But... Men will still be coming in here and fucking our shit up!

Richard: Well then I guess we'll have to close the boundary after all!

Chase: Wow! After all that work keeping the boundary open, we're just going to shut it.

_Wow. Chase just read my mind. He really is bad ass!_

Anna: I'll miss you Wichawd!

Kahlan: Oh, Viceroy... One more order...

_Meanwhile, at Darken Rahl's castle..._

Darken: (_Singing_) I'm so pretty, oh so pretty, I'm so pret-

Egremont: Great news, My Lord!

Darken: What? What's so important that you have to interrupt my beautiful singing?

Egremont: Well, The Viceroy sent word by journey book that the boundary is sealed and that the Seeker is dead!

Darken: Whut? But... I wanted to destroy the Seeker! I mean, sure I could've done it easily when Denna had captured Richard all those episodes ago, but then that would mean this show would have ended long ago. Anyways... Are you sure that information is correct?

Egremont: It's The Viceroy's handwriting! I think it's legit.

Darken: Yes... Now I shall resume being pretty!

_Meanwhile, back in Hartland, the Viceroy is blowing up the magical archway that keeps the boundary open._

_Meanwhile, on the other side of the boundary..._

Chase: Well, I guess we're stuck here in The Midlands. Ho hum. Anyways, sorry about your brother, Richard.

_Oh yes. The brother. I got so distracted by the sudden, unexpected scene with our pretty Darken Rahl that I forgot to rant on and on about how Michael dying a "hero" goes against everything the books believe in! Book fans everywhere are crying and ranting about how Michael is supposed to betray Richard to Darken Rahl and that Richard actually orders Michael to be killed and... Yeah, I just spoiled the ending of Wizard's First Rule. Sorry about that! I end this now._

* * *

_I lied- I do not end this now! I just now got this entire chapter all nice and pretty and uploaded and now I just realized... Hartland is episode 14, not 13! Oh my God. Just... Oh my God. After all that work... Oh well. I guess this just means that this version of Legend of The Seeker is so messed up that episode 14 is 13 and 13 is 14. Yesh. Stay tuned for chapter 14 which should really be chapter 13 but nobody really cares and I doubt anyone would've even noticed this mishap if I didn't announce it right now. Okay- Now I end this!_


	14. Revenant

_Well, here we are at chapter 14. Which is really supposed to be chapter 13. Let it be known that chapters are going to pop up less frequently now that I started school again. But no worries, I'll still update until ze end!_

_So we start off at some Aztec Temple thing. Or maybe it's Mayan. I get the two mixed up. Either way, it's a temple. Two goons appear at the entrance of this temple._

Goon 1: Zomg! A wolf howled! This place is SCARY!

Goon 2: Stfu! I have a spell to get inside safely. Alohomora!

Goon 1: The spirits are gonna kill us!

Goon 2: The wizard told us that this spell opens the place, not send spirits after us. Now let's get the treasure before Indiana Jones shows up!

_The goons then enter the temple of doom to search for this treasure. However, they set off a booby trap that closes the temple door. Goon 1 manages to escape through the door but Goon 2 doesn't make it in time. Suddenly all goes dark and Goon 2 screams like a frightened little girl._

_Now we go onto a scene involving a bunch of dying people on a snowy battlefield. Turns out Richard is reading a story about some Seeker from the past. Sadly, this Seeker, Keiren, and his Confessor, Vivian, were both dying... Together. The Great Wizard at that time was the only one who witnessed their death. _

Kahlan: Aww... Too bad they couldn't how the world ended.

Richard: But at least they knew their mission was accomplished.

Zedd: Yep! And soon we'll go visit their grave site in a magical temple! We can hide the Box of Orden in there and only I have the key to get in. Nothing could possibly go wrong!

Richard: Zomg... I just realized that once Darken Rahl dies, my quest will be over!

Kahlan: Oh Richard... I'm so proud of you for coming to that conclusion on your own.

Richard: Yeah but... what about us?

Kahlan: Silly Richard... We can never be together!

_Anyways, they all go off to the Mayan/Aztec/Indiana Jones temple where Zedd gets them in._

Zedd: Alohomora!

_They enter the temple and Zedd leads the way. How does Zedd know the way so well? We probably don't want to know. _

Richard: Zomg! Look at these cave paintings! There's a guy holding a magical sword... and a woman dressed in white. And here these characters are in battle... Wow, all of this looks so familiar!

Zedd: Here's the crypt where Keiren lies!

Richard: Wow! That's a fancy coffin. When I die, can I have a coffin like this?

Zedd: Richard... Just take the box and put it in with Keiren's body!

Richard: Wtf? Where's the body!

Zedd: Wtf?

(_Weird noise from afar._)

Richard: The door!!!

_So our heroes run as fast as they can to get outside before the door completely shuts. Sadly, they do not make it._

Richard: Noez! The door shut on it's own!

Zedd: No shit Sherlock! But no worries... Alohomora!

(_The door does not open._)

Richard: Ooo! Let me try! Okay... Open sesame!

(_The door does not open._)

Richard: Yeah, I got nothing. Oh wait... we can try finding another way out!

(_Weird noise from afar._)

Richard: Wtf? Let's investigate!

_So Richard follows the source of the noise while Zedd and Kahlan follow. Richard suddenly hears crying. So he continues running until he trips, falls, and loses his companions. However, he sees someone in a white dress. _

Richard: Kahlan?

Kahlan: I'm behind you!

Richard: Whut? Zomg... There's two of you! Which means... I can be sandwiched between two Kahlans!

(_The other confessor motions for Richard to follow her._)

Richard: Aw, a damsel in distress. I shall help her!

Zedd: No you shall not!

Confessor: (_Walks through wall_.)

Zedd: See Richard. You can never have her either because she is a ghost!

Richard: Wtf? Ghosts aren't real!

Zedd: They are when they have unfinished business to take care of!

Kahlan: Oooh... I bet that was Vivian!

Zedd: But... Why would she be a ghost if she finished her quest?

Richard: Well, seeing as she was motioning me in a seductive manner, she might need us to help! (_Walks towards wall._) Omg! There's a door here!

Kahlan: Open it!

Richard: Open sesame!

Goon 2: DON'T OPEN THAT!

Richard: I do not approve of your behavior... Thus I grab my sword and attempt to slice you like a block of cheese! (As Richard stabs goon, some spirit thing is unleashed from his body and flies away.) Wtf was that?

Goon: An evil spirit possessed me... It forced me to attack you. This place is evil... Get out while you still can! (_Dies._)

Zedd: Well... That's kinda why we're wandering this temple aimlessly. But on the bright side, Darken Rahl can't get to us or the box! Might as well stick around and solve this mystery...

Richard: Yeah... Lets open the door!

Zedd: Alohomora!

(_Door opens. They explore._)

Kahlan: Ooo... A wooden coffin! And it has something written in German...

Richard: Ah... It says, "Here lies Kieren, the true Seeker." Hey! I thought I was the true Seeker! You _lied!_

Zedd: Oh Richard... Just don't open it.

Richard: Don't tell me what to do! (_Opens coffin._) Oh look, it's a dead body. But... His head has been chopped off! Why?

Zedd: It's a spell to keep him from going to the Underworld!

Richard: So he's never been reunited with his friends and family? That sucks.

Kahlan: That must be why Vivian's here crying. I'd cry too if I was in her position.

Richard: Word.

Zedd: This is sad and all, but we should really find a way out of here.

Richard: But... Vivian probably has us trapped here so we can help Keiren!

Zedd: You know, there could be a reason why-

Richard: NOOOOO!!!!

_So Zedd and Richard have a fat argument over death and loneliness. An argument in which Richard wins by giving Zedd a wet willy. Zedd undoes the magic and a spirit escapes from the carcass and enters into Richard's body. _

Kahlan: Zomg! Are you okay?

Richard: Yeah...

Zedd: Yay! Let's see if the door-

Richard: NOOOO! We need to return Keiren's body to his proper coffin!

Kahlan: Okay! Nothing gross about carrying a dead body halfway across a temple...

_They transfer Keiren from one coffin to the next._

Zedd: Great! Now let's get out of here!

Richard: Okay! (_Knocks Zedd unconscious with sword._)

Kahlan: Richard! How many times do I have to tell you that it is not appropriate to smack people with your sword!  
Richard: Silly Kahlan. I'm not Richard, I'm Keiren!

Kahlan: Nooo! Richard, fight him off!

Keiren: He can't hear you. Now I'm going to finish what that wizard took from me! He took my wuv away from meh! There was no way she could confess me... I'd already do anything she asked of me! So we did the nasty...

Kahlan: Zomg! She confessed you!

Keiren: No... It strengthened our bond! But the Wizard didn't think so.

Kahlan: What you did was wrong! You had sex before marriage! Shame on you. Anyways, what purpose do you have possessing Richard? Vivian's just a spirit too!

Keiren: Stfu! (_Ties Kahlan's hands._) Vivian shall not be a spirit for long...

_Back to Zedd._

Zedd: (_Wakes up._) Oh crap! Richard! Kahlan!

_Enter Goon._

Zedd: Get back or I'll kill you!

Goon: Go ahead! But then you and your friends will be stuck here forever! I am the spirit of Great Wizard, Amfortus. I don't have long to use this body so stfu and listen to me. I tried stopping you from getting to Keiren's body. You see, you've been listening to a lie!

_Back to Keiren and Kahlan._

Kahlan: How'd you learn magic?

Keiren: Oh, I'm just cool like that.

_Back to the wizards._

Amfortus: Keiren and Vivian did something very very bad.

Zedd: They did the nasty?

Amfortus: Yes. And he made a stupid mistake because all he could think of was protecting Vivian.

Zedd: Well this is interesting and all, but I need to get to my friends!

Amfortus: STFU! I went to Vivian and told her to release him. So she drank some poison and Keiren got a wee bit pissed off at me. And was still in love with Vivian. I guess Seekers and Confessors have some special bond. Idk. All I know is that it tore away Keiren's soul and all that was left of him was anger and hatred. Just like the Sword of Truth! His anger grew and drove him bat shit insane. So I killed him and bound his spirit. Now Keiren is probably trying to get Vivian into Kahlan's body so they can be back together and do the nasty a few more times.

_Back to Keiren and Kahlan._

Keiren: Oh great spirit of Vivian.. Penetrate this woman's body!

_A spirit appears and goes into Kahlan's body._

Keiren: Vivian?

Kahlan/Vivian: Keiren?

_Back to the Wizards._

Zedd: Zomg! Richard will be confessed!

Amfortus: Now you're getting it...

_Back to the possessed._

Keiren: Mwahahaha! We shall do the nasty once more!

Vivian: Giggle...

(_They make out._)

_Back to the wizards._

Amfortus: No worries, I have just enough power to cast a spell to trap the lovebirds in here!

Zedd: Wtf? NOOOOO!!! We need the Seeker to defeat Darken Rahl!

Amfortus: But he's not the Seeker anymore... He's Keiren!

_Meanwhile, Keiren/Richard and Vivian/Kahlan are still making out._

Vivian: I'm sorry... This is wrong. We can't do this until we're married!

Keiren: So we'll leave this place and get married!

Vivian: But... These people we're possessing have a purpose in this world. Why don't we just go off and find some useless souls to invade?

Keiren: But... Useless people aren't sexy! That's why they're useless. Plus, this Seeker and Confessor are in love too. In a way, we're having a foursome!

Vivian: Okay!

_They resume making out and then start removing articles of clothing. Kids still living at home pray that their parental does not walk in the room._

_Back to the wizards._

Amfortus: (_Gives in to Zedd's demands and attempts to open door._) Dammit, this body is weakening so I can't open this door! Maybe your magic can help my magic and we can open this door together!

Both: Alohomora!

_As the door begins to open, Amfortus falls to his knees and uses his last breath to remind Zedd of the trouble Keiren and Vivian's love caused. Then, Amfortus' spirit leaves the Goon's body and flies off to wherever it is spirits fly off to. Zedd then barges into the room to find Keiren/Richard and Vivian/Kahlan getting it on._

Zedd: NOOOOO!!!! There are children watching this show!

Keiren: NOOOO!!! You'll not take away my love again!

Vivian: NOOOO!!! Don't hurt the wizard!

Zedd: (Steals sword back.) HA!

Vivian: I'll confess you!

Zedd: Zomg... I'm getting bored! Just go to the Underworld and let Keiren follow you. Sheesh.

Vivian: NOOOO!!!! I'll never leave Keiren!

Zedd: I'll kill Vivian if you two don't leave these bodies!

Keiren: I don't trust you...

Zedd: This has been going on long enough! You two can't be together in the real world, but you can be together in the Underworld. Now just hurry up so this episode can end already! I have to pee.

Keiren: Alright... (_Leaves Richard's body._)

Vivian: (_Leaves Kahlan's body._)

Zedd: This place is just too weird! We can't leave the box here...

_So the gang leaves the crypt and walk off to wherever._

Richard: So that story was a lie? And Keiren and Vivian weren't even able to be together even though Keiren loved Vivian so much that he couldn't be confessed? Oh no... I feel a spoiler alert coming on!

Spoiler Alert Man: **Spoiler Alert for Wizard's First Rule!**

_And book fans everywhere are crying and ranting about how the only way Richard and Kahlan are actually able to be together is because Richard will already do anything for Kahlan. Apparently, Keiren would already do anything for Vivian. However, it drove him to be a very angry, crazy man. So the same would happen to Richard. Thus, Richard and Kahlan really and truly cannot be together in the way the books portray. What the flying badger turds? This, my readers, is just not right! In fact, I take back what I said about the Sisters of Light change back in Listener. That was not the biggest book rape. This is the biggest book rape! _

Spoiler Alert Man: **End of Spoiler Alert!**

Zedd: Zomg! Look at that cloud! It's very grey and snake-like... It's a tracer cloud! It's a powerful magic that is placed on someone or something to make it easy to track down.

_And book fans everywhere would be happy that they got tracer clouds correct if it weren't for the fact the books were just brutally raped by something more major and crucial. Tracer clouds! All these changes and they keep tracer clouds! Oi vay._

Richard: Wow... It must be on the Box of Orden.

Zedd: No problem! I got a spell that will make the tracer cloud hard to see. Now I shall go off alone to deal with this box while you two get yourselves into trouble that I can't help you out of!

_And now the beginning of the last chapter makes so much more sense..._


	15. Conversion

Darken Rahl: Why don't we have the third Box of Orden yet? I WANT IT!

Egremont: I'm sorry, my Lord, but the tracer cloud you put on it is surrounded by other clouds which makes it difficult to track... But you are still superly dooperly awesome even with only two boxes! Why, think of all the people you will soon destroy!

Darken: But... I don't want to destroy people! I want to give them peace!

Darken Fangirls: Awwwww!

Egremont: Well, at least the Seeker is dead!

Darken: No he's not...

_Switching over to Richard, Kahlan, and Chase, talking to some guy._

Some Guy: Oh good, you're alive! D'Haran messengers have been spreading word that you gave up on your quest and died...

Richard: Yeah, we want people to believe that. Anyways, can you take us to the Keep of Edrawn?

Some Guy: Whut? People avoid that place!

Chase: My family was sent there as prisoners and it would be great to get them back!

Some Guy: Well if that's the case, sure!

_So Some Guy leads the group to this mysteriously scary Keep of Edrawn. A group of soldiers are marching about and Chase makes remarks about how he can kick their asses while Richard uses a corny metaphor to settle him down. _

Richard: So... What goes on in there?

Some Guy: No one knows. I don't know why people steer clear of this place if no one knows what's even scary to avoid this place in the first place. I guess people are just stupid.

_Inside this mysteriously scary place, a man is aligning a bunch of long needles in a circle. He then picks one up and stabs it into a woman's neck. Is it the H1N1 vaccine? Probably not, because that goes in your arm... Or up your nose. Anyways, the man then starts chanting some crazy voodoo and we get a look at his face. Turns out he's the same guy who aided Darken Rahl in that boring flashback episode a few chapters back. Now that I have a better look at him... He's actually kind of attractive._

_Meanwhile, a man and a younger man are discussing stuff. Let's watch!_

Man: See Bran, that Wizard, Giller, is up to-

_Wait- Hold the phone. Hold the god damn bloody-ass phone! Did he just say Giller? What is Giller doing stabbing needles into necks? Shouldn't he be, I don't know, guarding a Box of Orden in Queen Milena's castle? And then, when Darken Rahl shows up, shouldn't he... Oh wait, I forgot. They messed up Giller's true role six episodes ago. How silly of me! Carry on conversation..._

Bran: Oh Uncle... This is all so horrible!

Uncle: That's what your mom said when she found out she was pregnant with you! Anyways, I'm tired of watching this Wizard experiment on people...

_Enter Giller._

Giller: Captain Eragon! Tell Lord Rahl that we are making progress. Maybe then he'll allow me to use whipped cream instead... (_Leaves_.)

Eragon: Wtf? Anyways, off to write in this journey book.

Bran: This is madness...

Eragon: THIS IS SPARTA!

Bran: Dude... That joke died years ago. Anyways, defying Rahl is insane!

Eragon: Who cares! (_Writes stuff down in journey book._)

_Back to Darken Rahl._

Egremont: Oh look... Journey Book news!

Darken: (_Reads._) Oh that silly Giller... He needs motivation to succeed! Reply!

_Back to the men._

Eragon: Oh rattails! Darken Rahl is gonna come over to supervise Giller. Oh well... that just means that this will be the perfect time to become assassins!

_Meanwhile, a group of D'Harans are being... D'Harany. Chase then appears like a ninja and attacks them. He is shortly joined by Richard and Kahlan. Kahlan confesses one of the men. _

Confessed Man: The prisoners are kept in a dungeon below the Keep.

Chase: Is my family there?

Man: Wtf? How am I supposed to know who your family is?

Richard: Don't worry Chase! My Seeker senses say that your family is still alive and we will set them free!

Some Guy: Oh, we could blow the place up!

Richard: But... That would kill the prisoners!

Some Guy: Yeah... There's not even any windows in there.

Richard: Wtf? How do you see?

Man: Oil lamps!

Richard: Ah... We could cut off the oil so it will be dark! Then they'd never see us rescue the prisoners!

Kahlan: But if it's dark, how will we even see the prisoners to rescue them?

Richard: Oh Kahlan... Stop being logical!

_That night... In the Keep._

Eragon: Okay Nephew, since you are Rahl's super close friend, he'll have you by his side. And when he gives you a hug, you plunge your dagger into him!

Bran: Wtf? INSANITY! Rahl has guards.

Eragon: Which I will kill! And we'll blame it all on Giller since Giller was once friends with the confessors. Hell, if anyone's read the books, they'll know... Well, you know.

_Meanwhile, the confessed man attempts to cut out the lights while our friends outside assassinate some guards. Kahlan and Some Guy remain outside while Chase and Richard go in to liberate the prisoners. The Keep goes dark but luckily, Richard came up with the obvious idea of lighting a torch. But this probably isn't the brightest move. If a D'Haran sees light in what should be complete darkness, don't you think they'd go check it out? Think about it- If you were a D'Haran guard, would you overlook a random flame of light? I wouldn't. I'd go investigate and kick some resistance ass! Anywho, Chase and Richard find Chase's family and prepare to help them escape. Meanwhile..._

Eragon: Oh pesky oil leak crap stuff. How are we to fix this?

Giller: Check the dungeons!

_So Bran, Eragon, and Giller all go down to the dungeon for some fun. _No!_ Not that kind of fun, you perverts! I meant they were gonna have fun when they discover missing prisoners. _Gosh.

Giller: Noooo! Where are the prisoners?! I can't delay Rahl's visit! When he finds out about this he won't let me be on top anymore!

Eragon: Whut?

Giller: Uhh... I mean... Our blood will be used for his secret sect of viking vampires! Yeah. Just go find those prisoners!

_Where are the prisoners? Outside with Richard, Kahlan, and everyone else who is not Eragon, Giller, Bran, or Darken Rahl!_

Richard: I think we're safe. You can rest now.

Chase: Hooray for the safety of my family!

Chase's Wife: Oh Chase! (_Kisses Chase._)

_And with that powerful kiss, Chase's eyes go all black and he falls over. That can't be good..._

Richard: It's okay, he's still alive. But barely...

Girl: That wizard performed dark magic on my mom. That's probably what caused this!

Kahlan: What's the Wizard's name?

Girl: Giller.

Kahlan: Zomg... He betrayed us confessors for Rahl! I mean, I know Darken Rahl is hot and all, but I'm hot too!

Richard: Emma, what did he do?

Emma: (_Shows off needle marks._) Please help my husband!

Some Guy: There's a healer east.

Kahlan: But... D'Harans!

Richard: We can risk it!

_And so they risk it. Meanwhile, D'Harans are tracking through the same forest._

Bran: Don't we want the prisoners free?

Eragon: Well, without the prisoners Rahl won't come visit us thus we couldn't assassinate him.

_Meanwhile, everyone else is carrying Chase off to this healer. Emma is upset that she can't even touch her husband. She's distraught over the possibility that she may never be able to hold the man she loves ever again. She doesn't even take into account the fact that Kahlan has never and will never be with the man she loves._

Richard: Holy carp face! I hear a noise! My Seeker senses tell me the D'Harans are near! Hide prisoners! HIDE!

_So every goes into hiding while Richard and Kahlan prepare to take on a D'Haran force by themselves. An epic sword battle ensues. Nothing of any importance happens until all but Eragon are slain. _

Eragon: Don't hurt meh! We're on your side! And you idiots... You just killed the one man destined to assassinate Darken Rahl!

Richard: But... Assassinating Darken Rahl is my destiny!

_Back at Darken Rahl's palace._

Eragon: Lord Rahl, Giller wants your journey to be delayed. Something about the supply of marshmallows and chocolate syrup.

Darken: Dammit! I'm getting impatient and Giller knows that I do not like incorporating food into... Oh just tell him I'm arriving as planned!

_Back in the forest..._

Richard: Wtf?! Rahl's gonna be here?!

Eragon: Yes... Tonight! And he would've been greeted by an old friend secretly intent on killing him. But nooo... You just had to slay my nephew!

Kahlan: He's telling the truth.

Richard: But... Why is Rahl coming here?

Eragon: Cuz Giller's getting close to finding out how to make a Confessor!

Kahlan: Zomg! Emma's a disfigured Confessor!

Eragon: Yep. Giller's been using the Shakira.

Richard: Wow... There are so many pop culture names in this episode! First we got Eragon with some Bran Flakes and now Shakira!

Kahlan: It's pronounced Shahk-i-rah. It's a magical tool.

Eragon: And Rahl is getting impatient with the Boxes of Orden so he's pretty much abandoning those for the power of confession. Even though, once you put the Boxes of Orden into play, you have to open one by the first day of winter or else-

Richard: I don't think Darken Rahl has put the Boxes of Orden into play yet.

Eragon: Then how do you explain those snake vines?

Kahlan: This is all too complex for this show! And we have more important matters to attend to if Rahl is going to transform into a confessor.

Richard: No worries, I'll kill Rahl when he arrives!

Eragon: The only person who could've gotten close enough was Bran! Dumb Seeker...

Richard: Ah, but you could set off Dragon's Breath in the Keep which will destroy everything inside the Keep- including Rahl and Giller!

Kahlan: But... We need Giller alive! He could be the only one who knows how to restore Emma back to normal.

Richard: Ah, but you could go in, confess Giller, and get out before the Keep a'splodes!

Eragon: But... Giller told me I couldn't return until I have the prisoners!

Kahlan: I could be a prisoner!

_So that night, Kahlan disguises herself as a prisoner whilst Richard calms Emma down._

Richard: So after all this, Giller will hopefully be able to restore you!

Emma: One prisoner? Seriously? That won't fool Giller. You need at least one more! I'm going.

Girl: Two? You need another one! I shall go too.

Chase: Wtf? Beezies be crazy! You can't go back in there!

Emma: But it's the only way!

_And now there's a huge argument over if Chase's family should go back in or not. In the amount of time it would take me to steal a piece of chocolate from my mom's bedroom, Chase finally gives in and let's his family go in the Keep once more._

_In The Keep..._

Eragon: I caught three prisoners! Aren't I a special snowflake?

Giller: Where's everyone else?

Eragon: Scattered about aimlessly. But they will be found!

Giller: Well, maybe Rahl will at least give me a cookie. Hey! Who's this prisoner?

Kahlan: (_Confesses Giller._)

Giller: Aww how cute! You think your powers will work on me. Well guess what? Darkykins gave me a special potion that makes me free of being confessed! (_Punches out Kahlan._)

Eragon: I didn't know she was a Confessor! She must've infiltrated the prison!

Giller: Or confessed you?

Eragon: If I was confessed, wouldn't I be defending her life?

Giller: Oh. Well this is actually a blessing in disguise! An actual Confessor means no more failed attempts! Maybe now Rahl will finally let me incorporate food into our special activities...

_So Giller straps Kahlan to a board and proceeds with his needles. _

Giller: (_Babbles on about the Shakira in a particularly nerdy fashion._)

Kahlan: Zomg you're so stupid... playing around with powers you don't understand.

Giller: (_Continues talking nerdy. I guess Darken prefers nerdy talk over dirty talk. Ha ha, couldn't resist!_) Basically, I will steal your powers and put them on Lord Rahl. Then again, we could've always just found a quillion to suck out your powers, and given the quillion over to Rahl, but this was just so unexpected...

_Back outside..._

Eragon: Richard! Giller isn't affected by confessor magic! He has Kahlan, and the others.

Richard: Whut? NOOOOOOO!!!!! We must rescue them!

Eragon: But... Rahl will be here soon! We can't risk it!

Richard: But...

_And now we have a fat argument over if they should go in to rescue the crew or not. An argument in which Richard threatens to sing Opera until Eragon complies. Unfortunately, Eragon loves Opera so instead, Richard results to violence. He knocks out Eragon and flees for the Keep._

_Meanwhile, Darken Rahl is preparing to leave and... What's this? Magic? Darken Rahl is actually going to use magic? Oh my God... A wizard using magic! Oh happy day! Happy day indeed! So Darken Rahl actually reveals that he is part wizard by apparat- I mean, teleporting, from his castle to the Keep. Giller and some D'Haran people are there to greet him._

Darken: Giller... Is that a shakira under your robes or are you just happy to see me?

Giller: Oh my sexy gumdrop... I'm so glad you made it! I have something special to show you...

_Meanwhile, deep inside the keep, Richard is fighting off some guards._

Guard: Zomg! The Seeker's alive! (_Flees._)

_Back to Darken/Giller._

Darken: Oh Giller... I'm so very pleased with all the hard work you've been doing. Why, tonight I might have a special "present" for you in my bed...

Giller: Will you allow me to stick a-

_Enter Guard._

Guard: Lord Rahl! THE SEEKER'S ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darken: How dare you abuse the exclamation point! You know I do not approve of the rape of the exclamation point!

Guard: Apologies, my Lord. But the Seeker is here in the Keep!

_Back to Richard... He comes across the confessed man setting off some explosives like Kahlan originally told him to do._

Richard: NOOOO!!!!!!!! (_Stops explosives just in time._)

Confessed Man: Wtf?

Richard: Kahlan's been captured!

Confessed Man: (_Falls over dead._)

Darken: Thank you Richard, for saving my life. But now I'm going to have to punish you for abusing the exclamation point...

_And now a true epic sword fight ensues between Richard and Darken. And now it's time for an epic rant! Okay, so if Darken Rahl is some great and powerful wizard... WHY THE BLOODY ASS DIAHERREA TURDS IS HE USING A SWORD?! I am dead serious. Even if he was just an average wizard, wouldn't he, I don't know, use whatever magic he knows? Look at Zedd. Zedd uses magic all the time. I have never, ever seen Zedd choose steel over magic. He always shoots blasts of Wizard's Fire. Yes, it gets kind of predictable and dull after awhile, but it gets the job done a lot faster than a sword! So why is Darken Rahl using a sword? Why not just shoot some fire at Richard and roast marshmallows with Giller? Oh I know why! Because that would mean that Rahl will win and this show will end seven episodes early. My bad!_

_Oh would you look at that! I was too busy ranting to notice that Richard knocked Darken's sword out of his hands. You see that, Wizards of the world? That is why you use your magic instead of weapons! Oh what's this? Darken Rahl just now appeared behind Richard and knocked him out. Good job Darken! You make a better ninja than a wizard!_

_Anyways, Darken Rahl and his minions take Richard to the room where Kahlan is tied up. And I can't help but notice that he has a black mord sith with him. It is nice to know that, even under Rahl's rule, there is equal opportunity employment for the position of mord sith. Oh look... Guards are tying up Richard. This makes Kahlan a saaaad panda._

Kahlan: Richard! RICHARD!

Darken: (_Motions to mord sith. Mord sith smacks Richard awake._)

Richard: Kahlan!

Darken: Aww look at you two lovebirds... You're all in love yet you two can never make babies!

Kahlan: Oh yeah? Well... Everybody hates you! No one will even rape you because you are an ugly piece of dog shit!

Everyone: Ooooooo.... BURN!!

Giller: It's okay! I think you're a fine piece of ass! I mean... Uh... Here's the special immunity to confession potion! (_Hands over potion._)

Darken: Haha, yes. Too bad you don't have a potion like this for Richard. (_Drinks potion._)

_And now Giller starts sticking needles into various parts of Kahlan's body. This causes her to scream, which causes Richard to tug hopelessly on his shackles. _

Darken: Oh Kahlan... I know you hate having your powers. I'm just trying to do you a little favor.

Kahlan: YOU'RE MEAN!!!!

Darken: No I'm not... I just want to end my people's suffering. And don't you dare abuse the exclamation point while I am present! Oh, and I just had a splendid idea! I could turn the Seeker into my personal chef. You can cook me potatoes and Twinkies!

Giller: (_Is finished with the needles and is now chanting gibberish._) jdslds jkfdsla ruevnc ui8dfo9 fdhjwi trek.

Kahlan: (_Goes bat shit insane. She shakes and screams loudly three times and her eyes turn red. Could this be the Con Dar?_)

Giller: Zomg! The Blood Rage! RUN MY LOVE!!!!!!

Darken: Don't abuse the-

_Suddenly, all of Kahlan's needles leave her body and pierce into Giller's, causing him to die. This makes all the Giller/Darken slash supporters very sad. But our dear Darken has no time for tears. Why? Because Kahlan is suddenly able to confess everyone in the room by just raising her hand at the person. Now all the D'Harans are confessed and ordered to kill Darken Rahl. And does Darken Rahl use magic to destroy all of these new enemies? Of course not, because that would be logical. Instead, Darken goes back to using his precious sword. Then again, I understand why he'd use the sword against the mord sith... But the soldiers? I don't know... Anyways, while Darken is killing off all his new adversaries, Kahlan orders a mord sith to release Richard. She does, and Darken flees the room. Richard runs after him, but Darken Rahl apparates- I mean, teleports, just in time. Too bad so sad. Richard returns to Kahlan to calm her down._

Richard: Kahlan? Are you okay? Wtf happened?

Kahlan: You should release the other prisoners...

Richard: Right! (_Releases prisoners._)

Kahlan: Oh look! One last potion of Giller's is left!

Richard: Sweet! Let's give it to Chase!

_So they give the potion to Chase. Now he and Emma can go back to getting it on while Richard and Kahlan suffer. Ho hum._

Emma: Thanks so much Kahlan. Sorry that now you can't get it on with Richard but I'm sure you two will figure something out...

Chase: Oh Richard, thanks for all your help. But now, Darkenbutt knows you're alive. You might need me...

Richard: No I don't.

Chase: Okay!

Eragon: I have a message for you, Seeker! From Ruben Rybnik...

Richard: Yay for Zedd! It says when the weather looks better, he'll seek comfort with friends in the woods tomorrow.. Wtf?

Kahlan: He must mean the Morrow Woods. That's in D'Hara! Welp, we better get going!

Richard: But... You must be tired after what Giller did to you...

Kahlan: Oh that? Yeah, I actually went into this legendary confessor rage called the Con Dar. Basically, if something bad is going to happen to the one I love, I get a bad case of PMS and start doing all kinds of crazy stuff.

Richard: Well... At least it saved us!

Kahlan: Yeah... And if you didn't come in after me, Darken Rahl would be dead! You see, this is why we can't be in love! Because you'll do stupid stuff like this!

Richard: But.... I wuvs you! (_Hugs._)


	16. Bloodline

_Oh look... I actually bought Bloodline from the iTunes store back when it came out. See world, I'm not that horrible for watching LOTS free online. Some of my money has gone into this show... If only a few bucks. Anyways... We start off with the great and sexy Darken Rahl!_

Egremont: My Lord! We found the last Box of Orden!

Darken: Zomg! Where is it?! Tell me...

Egremont: The plains of Morrow!

Darken: Send our soldiers there! By the way, did you know that the grass there is permanately green because it grows in massacred wizard blood? Zeddicus must be using the magic to conceal the box somehow...

_Meanwhile, the soldiers sent to Morrowland have arrived at Morrowland._

Leader: Whoever finds the box will get an all-expense paid trip to the nearest brothel!

Man: YAY! Free sex! (_Charges into invisible wall that suddenly incinerates him_.)

Another Man: Fuck that shit! (R_uns off. Leader shoots arrow at him thereby killing him._)

Leader: Anyone else want to flee? Now go get that box!

Men: Grumble grumble... (_Walk to their death._)

_We now move onto Richard and Kahlan, who are having a playful fight in the woods. They are soon to be interrupted by Zedd._

Zedd: Oh, you kids...

Richard: Yay Zedd!

Zedd: Yeah, I hid the box using some lethal magic that Rahl and his men can never penetrate!

_Meanwhile, Darken Rahl is entering a dungeon that holds Denna. Oh dear!_

Darken: Oh pretty Denna... Why do you make me hurt you? WHY?!

Denna: Because I'm a worthless piece of dog crap that deserves to die, that's why.

Darken: Well never mind that now! You get the rare second chance! I know where the last Box of Orden is but my men are uneducated fools who cannot retrieve it. You, however, can be useful in this task.

Denna: Yes! I can do it!

Darken: No, you can't. You're going to need to get the person I fear most!

Denna: The Seeker? No problem!

Darken: No... Someone far more frightening...

_And we are immediately taken to a scene where a redheaded girl is milking a goat. Oh no. Please tell me this isn't who I think it is. Then again, how many other goat-loving redheads exist? Oh yeah... Me. Anyways, this redheaded goat girl suddenly hears a scream from afar. She rushes into her house, knocking over her bucket of milk in the process. Yep, it has to be me._

Girl: Mom?

Denna: Hi Jennsen!

_My fears have been confirmed. That redheaded goat girl is not me. Indeed, it is Jennsen. Someone who is not supposed to show up in the series until freakin' book seven! The only reason I'm not having a lady rage over this is because I would've liked to see Jennsen and I doubt the show would make it through seven seasons. Now let's see how the show screws up one of my favorite characters, shall we?_

Denna: Sorry I'm torturing your mom but if I don't, Lord Rahl will continue showing me pictures of puppies and kittens. Plus, I need you to help me.

Jennsen: Nooo! Let her go.

Denna: As soon as you do me and Lord Rahl a small favor.

Jennsen's Mom: Don't do it, Jennsen!

Denna: (_Pokes Mom with agiel._) Don't make me kill your mother!

_So Denna takes Jennsen to the hiding spot of the Box of Orden. The bodies of the dead D'Harans still lay there._

Denna: Okay, now find the jeweled box! (_Hands Jennsen shovel._)

Jennsen: Shovel? Wtf? It's right there...

Denna: You can see it? Oh goody! Now go get it.

Jennsen: But... What happened to those men?

Denna: Oh they were just killed with magic trying to get the box.

Jennsen: But... How do I get it?

Denna: You never told her...

Mom: Sorry Jennsen, but I didn't want you knowing...

Denna: Okay Jennsen, I'm gonna show you what a freak you are! (_Shoves her through the invisible, magical barrier. She makes it through unscathed._) Every generation a child is born who is not affected by magic.

_Every generation? _A_ child? I'm just going to pretend that Denna has no idea what she's talking about._

Denna: Now get me that box!

Jennsen: (_Picks up box._) Let my mother go and I'll give it to you!

Denna: (_Pokes mother with agiel_.)

Jennsen: Haha, just kidding! (_Gives Denna box. Suddenly a burst of pink and orange shoots up into the sky._)

_Meanwhile, Kahlan, Richard, and Zedd are doing Kahlan, Richard, and Zedd things._

Richard: Ooooo! Pretty colors!

Kahlan: What is that?

Zedd: It's a magical alarm I put on the Box... In case someone miraculously got ahold of it...

_Back to Jennsen and co._

Denna: Oh rattails! A signal spell! I guess you're going to have to deliver the Box to Rahl yourself!

Mom: No! Don't do it!

Denna: (_Pokes mother with agiel._) Look at all these dead D'Harans. Did the Wizard think of their lives? No! He was only thinking about himself!

Mom: LIES! BLASPHEMOUS LIES!

Denna: Now, which of us is the liar? Why has your mother kept your powers a secret?

_So of course, Jennsen goes off with Denna. Even though, in the books, Jennsen isn't a very trusting person. In fact, if Darken Rahl knew where she lived all these years, she should be dead. But she is not. Ho hum._

Denna: Lord Rahl dreams of peace and equality! That is why he has not killed you. And that pesky little Seeker keeps ruining everything. Then I got the privilege of offering the Seeker to stand by Lord Rahl's side but instead he sliced that sword right through me.

Jennsen: You told me the Seeker was a hero!

Mom: How can you believe what she's saying?

Jennsen: You kept my powers from meh! (_Runs off sobbing._)

Denna: Jennsen?

_And then Jennsen threw the box as far away as she could. I no longer have any complaints towards her character in the show._

Denna: (_Bitch smacks Jennsen, then tortures her mother._)

Jennsen: No! Punish me! I threw the box!

_Meanwhile, Richard, Kahlan, and Zedd are viewing the scene from afar._

Richard: Zomg! Denna! Alive?

Jennsen: (_Grabs Denna's agiel and attempts to torture Denna with it. She fails._)

Richard: Wtf? She can hold the agiel without it hurting her? And can't hurt Denna with it? Wtf?

Zedd: She's pristinely-ungifted.

Denna: Stupid girl! You can't use magic either!

Jennsen: Dammit.

Zedd: Pristinely-Ungifted are immune to magic. But they rarely live past childhood. The House of Rahl finds them and kills them. If Darken Rahl knew where Jennsen lived this entire time, I don't know why he hasn't slaughtered her yet, but oh well.

Richard: Why? Why do they slaughter the poor magically-challenged?

Kahlan: Because everytime they have a child, that child-

Zedd: Kahlan! This is the TV Show! And we don't find that out until later on anyways.

Kahlan: Oh... Right. Sorry about that. Uh... Rahls are evil?

Zedd: Better.

D'Haran Soldier: Mistress! I found the box!

Denna: Good. Now bind it to her and get moving!

_And then Richard and his friends show up and start a ruckus. Epic fight ensues. Denna hops onto her horse, which Jennsen and her mother are tied to. Richard manages to chop off Jennsen's ropes but her mother ends up being dragged away._

Jennsen: MOTHER! (_Runs_)

Richard: NO! (_Grabs_)

Jennsen: Let me go! I need to help mommy!

Richard: We will.

Jennsen: Why should I listen to you?

Kahlan: He's the Seeker.

Jennsen: Really? Then that's your mother too!

Richard: Whut?

Kahlan: Drama!

Richard: Zedd, could this be true?

Zedd: Yes.

Kahlan: Then...

Richard: Then what?

_Enter D'Haran messenger._

Messenger: Mistress Denna has the woman at the Cave of Sorrows. Bring her the box or the mother dies. You have until bedtime. (_Leaves._)

Jennsen: We have to go!

Zedd: No, we can't forfeit the box for one person.

Richard: But... She's not your mother!

Zedd: Betch, she's my Daughter!

Richard: Whut? But... that makes you my Father! Wait... I mean my Uncle. My Great Grandma? Third cousin twice removed? I'm confuzzled.

Zedd: Richard, I am your Grandfather.

Richard: Holy chicken wings! You kept that from me? And Kahlan... You knew?

Kahlan: I wanted to-

Zedd: I told her not to.

Richard: But... Why?

Zedd: Because I know how you protagonists get! You always have to go rescue some family member from some impending doom when you should be focusing on the original mission instead!

Richard: Your words upset me! Who's our father?

Jennsen: Well, technically, we have the same father and different mothers but the producers screwed that up. So now, we have the same mother but we don't know who our father is or if we even have the same one. Mom didn't like talking about it.

Richard: I'm going after her!

Zedd: Wait!

Richard: Noooo!

_So an argument breaks out in which Richard starts babbling plans to give Denna the box and find a way to get the box back. Zedd tries reasoning with him. Richard throws insults out at Zedd and tries leaving. Zedd tries using magic to stop him. Jennsen blocks Zedd's magic. And Richard gets his way. So they all go off to save the mother._

Author: Whoa! Wait... What the hell is going on?

Richard: You left us alone for a fortnight, that's whats going on!

Kahlan: Yeah! We've been sitting here, waiting to see if we actually succeed in getting the mother back, yet you never came back to continue the story!

Author: Oh, sorry guys. I've been busy and I haven't been in the mood to write...

Kahlan: Excuses excuses! You leave us to take up space on your hard drive for a few weeks and you come back expecting us to just remind you of what's going on?

Author: Sorry Kahlan...

Kahlan: All of your fans have been waiting three weeks for a new chapter. You've never taken this long!

Author: Sorry Kahlan...

Richard: Now get back to the story!

Author: Don't tell me what to do!

Zedd: I'll cook you with Wizard's Fire if you don't continue!

Author: Grumble grumble...

_So what has been going on? Oh, Richard and Zedd were arguing and Richard ended up getting it his way. So they all go off to save Richard's mommy. And... Damn! I never noticed this but... This episode is playing really clear! It's, like, High Def! The picture is so crisp and the colors are beautiful and distinguished! Wow... That's amazing! Why have I not noticed this before? Maybe that's why people buy TV Shows off iTunes... Anyways, Jennsen just now tripped and fell- in High Def. Richard helps her up and asks if she's alright- in High Def. Turns out Jennsen sprained her ankle- in High Def. And Zedd offers to heal her- in High Def. Richard makes a cruel remark about how Zedd is a dip shit for not remembering that magic can't heal Jennsen because Jennsen is a special snowflake that Darken Rahl should have killed years ago- in High Def. Everything is just so much better in High Def! No wonder everyone is going out and buying all this High Def stuffs._

Zedd: My granddaughter probably thinks I'm a cold-hearted bastard.

Kahlan: Zomg! You actually swore in this episode! Shame on you! Anyways, I'm sure she'll understand someday.

Zedd: But... Richard is probably gonna screw everything up for his family! There may not be a someday!

Kahlan: But... We have to trust Richard!

Zedd: But... This is his mother! And... He's a protagonist! Protagonists will do anything to prevent their mother from being tortured!

Kahlan: You're a protagonist too... You might do the same!

Jennsen: Oh Richard, how will we fight Denna if she's got all these soldiers and junk.

Richard: Bitch, please! You don't know what kind of shit I've been through!

Jennsen: Aww! When you smile, you look like Mommy!

Richard: Are you saying I look like a woman?

Jennsen: Uh... If this box can give Darken Rahl power over everything, I don't think our Mum will be pleased if we give it to Denna...

Richard: Can you think of another way?

Jennsen: Well, if there's any magic, I can get through it...

Richard: I'm sure they'll be expecting that. But... I have an idea! It'll involve you though.

Jennsen: Yay!

_That night, they meet Denna, some soldiers, and the Mother in a small forest._

Denna: Where's the box? Give it to me or I'll kill the wench!

Richard: Go ahead. Then you can tell Darkipoo how you failed!

Denna: You wouldn't let an innocent person die...

Richard: You turned me mean! Anyways, we can both get what we want!

Denna: Go on...

Richard: I'll give you the third box after you help me steal the other two!

Denna: Wtf? You're crazy!

Richard: Don't you know your way around the palace?

Denna: Yes...

Richard: Then you must know about all the magic barriers protecting the box.

Denna: Aw, you think the gifted child can sneak into the palace and get the boxes. But okay! Give me the box and I'll draw you a map.

Richard: No! Draw us a map, and when we get the other boxes, we'll give you the third box.

Denna: And how will I know you'll give me the third?

Richard: You have Jennsen's mother!

Denna: This woman is special...

Richard: No, I just don't want to see an innocent person die. So, deal?

Denna: Yes! (_Kills Mother with agiel._)

Richard: WHAT THE BUTTERSCOTCH?!

Denna: Give me the third Box of Orden by sunrise and I'll give her the breath of life!

Jennsen: Psst... I have an idea!

Richard: Whut?

Jennsen: You can get all three Boxes of Orden to get power over Denna!

Richard: Great idea! Except I'll have to put them into play, find the Book of Counted Shadows- which I really should have memorized- and use that to find the information to figure out the right box to open. I mean, if I open the wrong one, I could kill myself or destroy the world... Oh, and there's a certain ritual and sorceror's sand and all kinds of-

Zedd: Wtf are you going on about? All you need to do is put all three boxes together to get instant power over everything!

Richard: Oh! Is that all you need to do now?

Book Fans: (_Face palm_.)

Zedd: Yes, but the Power of Orden could corrupt you!

Richard: So? Denna still knows she won't get the box if we don't get mother!

_And Richard gets his way again. So Denna gives them instructions on how to break into Darken Rahl's house to steal the Boxes of Orden. Long scene short, Jennsen manages to get her hands on the Boxes of Orden without getting caught. She brings them back to the group._

Jennsen: I got the boxes!

_Suddenly, D'Haran's jump out from behind the trees. Denna among them._

Denna: Hi Seeker! I, being a woman, have changed my mind! I want all three boxes!

Richard: Wtf? NO! The third box is hidden- we only have two.

Denna: Don't play games! I'll kill your friends if you don't!

Richard: Psh. Like I'd give you the boxes...

Denna: Okay! Kill the Confess-

Richard: Hold the phone! (_Gets out a box and puts it down._) Let me at least govern a small area where me and my gang can live in peace.

Denna: But of course!

Richard: (_Puts down second box._) And Zedd has the third box!

Zedd: (_Throws third box to Richard. Richard puts it in with the other boxes and bam! He has instant access to Orden. No medieval chants, doodles in sand, or getting naked to travel the __Underworld required._)

Denna: KILL 'EM ALL!

Random Metalhead: METALLICA FTW!

Richard: STOP! Drop your weapons! (_Everyone stops and drops their weapons_.) Now heal our mother.

Denna: Okay. (_Attempts to revive the mother. She fails._)

Richard: Wtf? You said you could revive her!

Denna: Yeah... I lied. It's been too long so I can't.

Jennsen: Noooo! (_Sobs hysterically._)

_So Richard throws a lady rage over this and orders Kahlan to beat the crap out of Denna. Zedd tries reasoning with Richard, but Richard tells him to STFU. Then, Richard commands the soldiers to kill each other off. Jennsen is flabbergasted by all this madness. Since magic doesn't affect her, she decides to pull apart the boxes to take away Richard's power. It works._

Richard: Wtf? What happened?

Kahlan: No worries, it wasn't you. It was the power Orden had over you. I still love you even though you made me beat up Denna.

Denna: Kill me Richard! Kill me for I fear what Rahl will do to me!

Richard: No... I think you should just flee for your life instead.

Denna: Damn...

_So Denna disappears and Jennsen, Richard, Kahlan, and Zedd all throw a small funeral for Jennsen's mother._

Jennsen: Can I stay wiff you? Pweez?

Richard: No, it's too dangerous.

Zedd: You can protect two of the three boxes. They'll be safer that way. We'll hold onto the third.

Richard: Yes. You shall go off and live with some of our friends! We'll meet up again when this madness is over.

Zedd: I'll take you to our friends while Richard and Kahlan try to figure out where Rahl is.

_Meanwhile, in Darken Rahl's palace..._

Darken: Stupid guard! Look at my pedestal! What is on my pedestal?!

Guard: Uh... Nothing?

Darken: GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! (_Bashes Guards head into pedestal that once held two __of the three boxes_.)

_Enter Egremont._

Darken: That pristinely-ungifted child that I should have killed years ago but never did even though I knew where she was living this whole time is now on the Seeker's side. Let it be known that until the Seeker, Mother Confessor, First Wizard, and all three boxes are brought to me, villages will feel my wrath!

_Back to our wayfarers._

Richard: Zedd... I feel horrible for-

Zedd: That wasn't you! It was the magic of Orden corrupting you.

Richard: But... I felt anger and hatred!

Zedd: Everyone does! Just don't act on those feelings.

Richard: Okay gramps!


	17. Deception

_We enter some village where a group of children are playing hide and go seek. It's nice to know that such a silly little game still lives on in this universe and century. Anyways, the "seeker" starts counting and all the other children run off to hide. Then, the seeker kid, who looks a lot like my brother, goes off and tries to find them. He fails. Nearby, a ticking noise is heard._

Child: What is that mysterious ticking noise? It's... Kinda catchy... Snape, Snape, Severus Snape...

Child 2: DUMBLEDORE!

Child 3: Ron, Ron, Ron Weasley!

Child 4: Hermione... Hermione...

Child 5: HarryPotterHarryPotter! HarryPotterHarryPotter!

Child 3: Hey! I found the source of the mysterious ticking. It's a pipe bomb!

Everyone: YAY!

_This "pipe bomb" is actually a long, thick object, with funky symbols on it that is continuously ticking. Suddenly, it stops._

_Meanwhile, our wayfaring friends are doing wayfaring things._

Kahlan: Hey, you know why Zedd is sending us to our friends in Calyhendro?

Richard: Yeah, he already told us. So that they can tell us where Darken Rahl is. Like, duh.

Kahlan: No, because these friends have the recipe to Zedd's favorite rabbit stew. He's making us trek far and wide, uphill and down, over the hills and far away, just to get a recipe.

Richard: (_Sings_) Over the hills and far away, she prays he will return some day, far from the mountains and the seas...

Kahlan: Silly Rich-

Richard: HEY! What was that noise?

Kahlan: What noise?

_And Richard runs off to the source of the noise and comes across the thriving village we just saw. But it thrives no more! The "pipe bomb" destroyed everyone and everything._

Richard: They're all... dead.

Kahlan: Very good, Richard! Now, can you tell me why everyone is dead?

Richard: Well, it couldn't have been a sword fight... Oh hey, what's this thing? (_Picks up pipe bomb_.)

Kahlan: (_Too busy reading a sign._) Richard, come read this.

Richard: Aw! I can't read that! It's not in German...

Kahlan: Oh Richard... It says that Darken Rahl will destroy every village that loves the Seeker.

Richard: I'm the Seeker!

_They leave the village._

Richard: I can't believe this! They murdered all those people because of me! I am such a horrible person!

Kahlan: Silly Richard, Darken Rahl's been slaughtering villages long before you got here. I mean, that's kind of why we dragged you out of your peaceful life in Hartland...

_Horses are heard up ahead. Richard and Kahlan hide. They see D'Harans on horseback._

Richard: These can't be the same D'Harans that attacked the village. My Seeker senses tell me that the D'Harans who attacked the village were not on horses...

_Suddenly, a group of people come out from behind the trees and start attacking these D'Harans. Richard and Kahlan, naturally, join them. All D'Harans are defeated._

Man: So... Who are you?

Richard: Richard Cypher.

Man: Zomg! Then... You must be Kahlan Amnell!

Kahlan: Yep.

Man: Zomg! I'm such a big fan! My name's Derrick and we're part of the Resistance.

Richard: I can see you are.

_Suddenly a D'Haran leaps up and tries to run for it. Kahlan confesses him._

D'Haran: Mistress! Command me.

_So they take the D'Haran to a place of interrogation._

D'Haran: My name is Dunn and my unit came her from Asberith.

Kahlan: Why?

Dunn: The Garrison of Graceland needs reinforcements. Too many rebels.

Richard: Kahlan! I think I found your vibrator... (_Holds up the pipe bomb found in the village._)

Kahlan: RICHARD! How many times do I have to tell you to keep out of my- Wait... That's not mine!

Dunn: That's a Whisperer.

Derrick: That's how D'Harans have been able to destroy entire villages.

Kahlan: How do they work?

Dunn: Dark magic. They say it's the voice of Shadow People bottled up into phallic-shaped weapons. When the scream is unleashed, it kills everyone nearby.

Richard: Omg! Rahl could wipe out the entire human race with these! And if these attacks have all been in the same area... These weapons could be nearby!

Dunn: Yep. In a fort.

Richard: Sweet! Let's go!

Derrick: No! We can't invade a huge fort.

Richard: Well... if we could just get our hands on one of these weapons we could destroy all the soldiers there.

Kahlan: Yes! Dunn, get us a Whisperer.

Dunn: I'd love to but... I fear I might fail. Only special soldiers can be trusted with these and I am not one of them.

Kahlan: Steal one!

Dunn: But... I'd get caught!

Richard: Have you ever been to this fort?

Dunn: No. No one there has even seen me.

Richard: Great! So I could go in there, pretend to be Dunn, and trick the soldiers into giving me one of these!

Kahlan: Zomg... The D'Harans aren't that gullible!

_But Richard gets his way. Dunn tells Richard every small detail of his life. Richard is quizzed on it. Once Richard knows everything about Dunn, Richard gets branded with the Darken Rahl Seal of Approval. And into the fort he goes._

Richard: Hi, I'm Archer Dunn. Rebels killed my family and I want revenge! Assign me to a new patrol!

D'Haran Thing: That sucks. But you had your chance and failed! You ran away and cowards now get executed!

Richard: Oh rattails!

_D'Harans prepare to bound and gag him. Richard keeps saying he has information and junk. The Leader shows up and allows Richard to speak._

Richard: We were ambushed and cowards fled. I tracked them and know where they are hiding!

Leader: Where's the location? I'll send men there to see if you're lying! Lock him up until I get back.

_So Richard is stuffed into a jail cell with a captured rebel. Fun stuff._

Rebel: Communist pig! I spit in your face!

Richard: Your friends are gonna die, bitch!

Rebel: Grrrr!

Richard: Grrrrrrrrr!

Rebel: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Richard: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Rebel: Impressive...

Richard: Thanks.

_Meanwhile, Kahlan and friends are doing... stuff._

Kahlan: If Richard doesn't return here in three days, we're gonna have to find a way to get him out...

Dunn: Mistress... Is there anything I can do?

Kahlan: I'll let you know when I do.

Dunn: I feel guilty... I've felt like this long before you confessed me. The things I've done... I burnt houses, murdered women and children, stole mp3 players... I only wanted to be a chef!

Kahlan: Well, you're a D'Haran soldier and that's the kind of shit you do.

Dunn: But... I never wanted to do any of this! My friend, Kurr, ran away and wanted me to go with him but... I was too scared!

Kahlan: Well all that is behind you. You are now my slave. Now bake me some cookies!

_Back to Richard._

D'Haran Thing: You punk! You just sent us off to some empty place! You could have had us killed! Rah rah rah rah rah rah!

Richard: Ah, phooey! The rebels probably heard you coming and fled, dumbshit.

D'Haran Thing: I saw no evidence of anyone there and rah rah rah rah rah!

Richard: Pfft. I would've found them. You know what? I bet you didn't even try looking for them! You were too scared to fight them. Chicken!

Everyone: Ooooooooooooo!

D'Haran Thing: (_Bitch smacks Richard._)

Richard: (_Bitch smacks back._)

Another D'Haran: (_Bitch smacks Richard._)

Richard: (_Bitch smacks back._)

Some Other D'Haran: (_Kicks Richard._)

Richard: (_Kicks back._)

_And so on and so forth. No one even attempts to break up this fight. Somehow, Richard remains victorious._

Richard: See, these guys are a bunch of pussies! Those rebels will kill all of you! Which is why you need me...

_Later on, Richard and the Leader discuss this._

Leader: I don't trust anyone here. Everyone's a cheater or a liar or some sort of gang-banging thug. This is the most dangerous post ever and rebels get more and more aggressive. I really need a man who can fight. I need a man like you!

Richard: I hear there's Whisperers in this fort. Gimme one!

Leader: No. Anyways, as I was say-

Richard: Come on! Just one whisperer! Pweez!

Leader: No. Now, I'm leav-

Richard: But I want a whisperer! NOW!

Leader: STFU! Listen. I am leaving for a mission tomorrow and I need a man like you to come with me. If you prove yourself, then you can have a whisperer.

Richard: Yay!

_The next day, they leave on horseback._

Richard: So... What's this quest for?

Leader: Right there! (_Points to faraway village_) Graceland.

_They arrive in Graceland. Children are running about outside. Nothing Elvis-y going on here._

Leader: Well, you know what we gotta do.

Richard: Uh... So we're gonna slaughter innocent children, rape their mothers, and pillage mp3 players?

Leader: What? No! We're D'Harans, not vikings! Gosh. We're going to feed these people!

Richard: Wtf?

Leader: They're my family! (_Runs off to family._)

_In the family's house, the table is being set for dinner. The Leader and Richard are holding some conversation about soldier stuff. Idk. I'm not really paying attention at this point. Wait! What's this about a secret? Ah, maybe I should rewind this part, just in case._

Leader: It's dangerous for soldiers to travel alone around here. Too many rebels, which is why I needed you. And it's also hard to get food nowadays, because of those rebels. But every now and then, I get food supplies from Lord Rahl. Anyways, we're not allowed to visit family unless we're on leave. Anyways, that's why I requested a post near here so that I can easily visit my family even though I'm not on leave. And if you dare tell anyone about this, I'll have you killed. (_Slices head off chicken._)

Child Hiding In The Shadows: (Cries.)

Leader: There there... I didn't mean to scare you like that.

Wife: Tenna's been like that a lot lately. Loud noises scare him. Crazy war and all these crazy rebels doing crazy stuff and making our kids crazy...

_So Richard picks up a piece of wood and starts carving. Oh hey! Something that's semi-book-related! Richard being a great carver! Hooray!_

_Meanwhile, Kahlan is sharpening some tools. Dunn shows up with some cookies. WAIT- He's actually holding a plate of cookies? I was only joking about the baking cookies comment I made earlier!_

Dunn: Here's your cookies.

Kahlan: Yay! (_Eats cookie._) Now give some to the others.

Dunn: Okay! (_Leaves_.)

Derrick: Hey, can I speak to you for a moment.

Kahlan: Sure.

Derrick: Why is the punk still here? My men don't like him! Get rid of him!

Kahlan: Wtf? He's not doing any harm. He baked us cookies!

Derrick: People like him have destroyed our families and homes!

Kahlan: Oh, rah rah rah, yourself. He's staying!

Derrick: Grumble grumble... (_Leaves._)

_Meanwhile, Richard has finished his carving. It's a miniature flute-like object. Being the kind, special, loving person he is, Richard plays a little tune on it for the emo child._

Richard: This is a magic whistle! Whenever you're scared, just play it and all your fears will go away.

Child: (_Plays with it. And everyone is happy that Richard has found a way to make the emo kid happy. Because, you know, something like a magical whistle could never, ever get annoying!_)

Wife: Zomg! He smiled! Yay!

_The next day, Richard and the leader have returned to the fort._

Richard: You know, I've been thinking... I think I'm ready for that whisperer!

Leader: Sorry, can't do it. See, we're kinda sorta outta whisperers.

Richard: Whut?

Leader: No worries! There's a new supply being transported tonight through the Lacuna Coil Pass.

_That night..._

Richad: I have orders to question this prisoner!

D'Haran: Whut? I heard no such thing!

Richard: Okay, you caught me. I just want to beat the shit out of him for spitting on me and then trying to out-grr me. Wanna help?

D'Haran: Okay! (_Opens cell door._) Hey pig, you're former cell mate is here!

Richard: (_Takes out sword and stabs D'Haran. Then, he frees the prisoner and explains what was going on._) Now, go to Derrick and tell him there's a supply of whisperers being sent here tonight through the Lacuna Coil Pass. I'll try slipping away as soon as I can.

_Meanwhile, in the D'Haran barracks..._

D'Haran Thing: You're late! I'll have to report this to the captain!

Richard: But... I was just with him. And he gave me this! (_Pulls out bottle of gin._)

Everyone: Yay! Free booze!

_Meanwhile, the rebel is traveling through forest and meets up with Derrick and friends._

Derrick: Dru! Yay!

Dru: Yeah, the Seeker helped me escape. We've got stuff to do.

_So everyone prepares for the ambush. _

_Meanwhile, in the D'Haran barracks..._

Leader: Rebel has escaped! We need a search party!

Richard: I'll do it!

D'Haran Thing: Wait- I have interesting information! Tell him, guy!

Guy: I met Dunn a couple years ago. This man is an imposter!

Random Person: Dun Dun Dun!

Guy: Yep! I remember Dunn clearly. He was a coward. A short, blond, scrawny dude.

_Back to the Resistance. Everyone is returning with stuff. Wait- what? You mean we missed the action of seeing our friends ambush a wagon of whisperers? Well good! I'm glad. One less scene for me to write which means I'll be done with this chapter five minutes sooner... I'm hungry._

Dunn: So, you got the weapons? I'm so glad, mistress!

Kahlan: Yeah, but the Blacksmith was killed.

Dunn: I'm sorry. Hey, guys, you want some eatings?

Derrick: GTFO!

Dunn: I'm sorry your friend died... But that's no excuse to shout at me!

Man: Wtf? YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE BASTARDS! (_Stabs Dunn. He dies._)

Kahlan: Noez!

_Back to Richard._

Richard: I've never seen this man in my life! And I am Dunn, goddammit! You know what? D'Haran Thing right here hates me. Since day one. And I publicly kicked his ass. I bet he hired this man to make my life hell!

D'Haran Thing: Nuh uh. I am merely doing my duty as a soldier working for Darken Rahl.

Richard: (_Giggles._) You said "doodie.."

D'Haran Thing: See! Only an imposter will giggle at the word, "duty!"

Leader: (_Giggle._) I mean, uh... You two are dismissed!

D'Haran Thing and Man: Grumble grumble... (_Leave._)

Leader: And you are confined to the Garrison until I figure all this shit out.

Richard: Otays...

_Back at the Resistance._

Kahlan: Murder! Cold-Blooded Murder! You mo fos killed Dunn! You must be punished!

Derrick: A-hem. He killed a D'Haran. And you want him punished?!

Kahlan: Dunn was confessed! He changed! And he wasn't even armed. You bitches killed him! Now as a confessor, it is my duty to bring you to justice!

Derrick: I'd like to see you try! (_Everyone picks up their weapons and surround Kahlan._)

Dru: (_Giggle._) You said "doodie..."

Kahlan: Okay- We have the whisperers. Let's just pretend nothing happened and go save Richard.

Derrick: Okay, but first let's pack up some Whisperers and pay the civilians at Graceland a visit...

Kahlan: Wtf? Why?

Derrick: Cuz they're loyal to Rahl.

Kahlan: Zomg! You can't just go in and kill innocent civilians! That makes you no better than the D'Harans!

Derrick: Confessor... You're outnumbered by, like, twenty people. Just gtfo before we kill you.

_And everyone but Kahlan leaves._

_Meanwhile, the Leader, who's name I never did catch, is having a nice conversation with Richard._

Leader: I want to believe you... Now swear on your father's soul that you're being truthful!

Richard: I swear... by the moon and the stars in the sky, I'll be there...

Leader: Don't try to serenade me!

Richard: Sorry...

Leader: I trusted you! I introduced you to my family. I thought we could be friends! So if you're lying, I'll kill you myself!

_Enter D'Haran Thing._

D'Haran Thing: Dunn's wife is here! She claims she's been wandering for days looking for her sweet Dunnipoo...

Dunn: Oh, uh... That's against regulations. Make her go away...

D'Haran Thing: Ah, but any man here would die to see his woman. LIAR!

Leader: Let's go.

_So they go outside to meet Dunn's wife. It turns out being Kahlan! Who saw that coming?_

Kahlan: DUNN!

Richard: Marice...

Kahlan: (_Bitch slaps._) You abondoned me! You haven't paid any child support! How do you expect your family to survive?! Aren't you getting paid?

Leader: Uh... He's only been here a few days...

Kahlan: Well I haven't received any child support for months!

Richard: Selfish betch! Who's watching our kids right now? I'm sorry guys, let me get rid of her! (Drags Kahlan away.)

Kahlan: We have to get out of here. Derrick and the others got the whisperers and are on their way to Graceland to kill innocent peoples!

Richard: The captain's family lives there! We have to warn him!

Kahlan: Whut? No! He'll find out the truth!

Richard: Let's go...

_Both jump on nearby horses. Kahlan tosses the Sword of Truth to Richard, who catches it. D'Haran thing is able to recognize the sword and declares "Dunn" the Seeker. The leader starts shouting at people to shut the gates. However, Richard and Kahlan race out of there before the gate closes. They gallop all the way to Graceland where they catch up with the resistance. _

Richard: Don't do this! Thing about everything you're fighting for! You want to end this suffering! Not cause more...

Derrick: You're gonna have to kill us first.

_So an epic sword fight ensues. Eventually the D'Harans from the fort show up. They start attacking the resistance. Derrick gets ahold of a whisperer. He holds it up and tells everyone to stop or everyone will die. This, obviously, causes people to stop what they're doing and stare in fright. _

Derrick: Retreat and I'll stop the whisperer from going off. Don't, and I'll leave it running to kill all of you and the village.

Kahlan: Don't negotiate with meh! (_Chucks dagger at Derrick. He throws the whisperer and falls over dead. Everyone runs around like frightened turkeys on Thanksgiving morning. Richard starts searching for the whisperer so he can turn it off. He spots it and turns it off just in time. The leader shows up._)

Leader: You betrayed meh! But... you're fighting against the rebels?

Richard: They were gonna attack Graceland...

Leader: But... why do you care about a loyalist village?

Richard: Because they're innocent people.

Leader: Well... Thanks. But I'm afraid I'm gonna have to kill you anyway...

Richard: Aw, come on!

_They spar until Richard knocks the sword out of the Leader's hand. _

Leader: Sigh... I could've used a fighter like you. Ah, well, just kill me now.

Richard: No... Just go back to your family.

_So the Leader went his way whilst Richard and Kahlan burned all the whisperers. And now I can eat lunch..._


	18. Mirror

_A pretty, grassy field. Moans of pleasure can be- Whoa! What's Richard doing to that blond chick?_

Blond Chick: Oh Richard! Take me with you! (_Continues making out._)

Richard: No, it's too dangerous. But I'll come back for you when it's all over!

_And they resume making out. Wtf?_

_Meanwhile, Kahlan is standing around, waiting for Richard. He pops up behind her. _

Kahlan: Wtf?! What have you been doing this whole time?!

Richard: Oh, there was this fox and... It was pretty.

Kahlan: Sure... Now let's go!

_In a small village, a D'Haran soldier is demanding moneys from the town leader person thing._

Town Leader Person Thing: We've already paid the moneys!

D'Haran: Lies! You owe us more!

TLPT: But... We won't have any moneys for ourselves!

D'Haran: Too bad, so sad.

Richard: I interfere for I do not approve of such behavior!

_Epic sword battle ensues between Richard and the D'Haran which ends in Kahlan confessing him, as usual. Except... The camera doesn't zoom in on her eyes getting all black. Weird._

D"Haran: Let me live and serve you, confessor!

Kahlan: Yes. Are more coming?

D'Haran: If I don't have the moneys by nightfall, more of us will come and steal all the treasure!

Richard: Never fear! For if you all stay, locked indoors tonight, you will be safe! My pet confessor and I shall wait in the treasure room where we will slaughter these beasties!

Everyone: YAY!

_And the Town Leader Person Thing takes them to the treasure room._

TLPT: Oh happy day! My wife made all this food for you while you sit here and wait.

Richard: Dayum! This is a lot of food for someone claiming to not have lots of moneys!

Blond Chick From Earlier: Ah yes, anything for the Seeker...

Richard: Oh shit...

Kahlan: Ah yes, you have served the Seeker well, I'm sure.

_TLPT and BC leave. Kahlan grabs a turkey leg and bites into it like a savage. She spits it out. Not very elegant for a Mother Confessor._

Kahlan: Gross! This tastes like dog shit on a stick!

Richard: Heh heh, you would know all about that.

_The next morning, in the village..._

Blond Chick: Where' the Seeker? Is he okay?

TLPT: I dunno... Let's check the treasure room!

_So off to the treasure room they go. It turns out being empty. Wtf?_

TLPT: Zomg! We've been robbed by the Seeker!

_Meanwhile, Richard and Kahlan are running, carrying heavy bags of what I assume is the treasure. They meet up with the D'Haran soldier._

D'Haran: Dayum! Took you long enough!

Kahlan: This corset is killing meh! How women in the Victorian Era survived wearing this shit every day is a mystery to me.

Richard: Uh... Isn't that two centuries away from now?

Kahlan: STFU n00b!

D'Haran: I began to think you ran off with the treasure yourself.

Kahlan: Ah, Gwildor, you can trust us! Plus we'd have to come back to change back into our normal selves. Too many people want to turn us in to Darken Rahl.

_Gwildor pulls out a magical, compact mirror. He shines it at Richard and he turns into some fat old man. He shines it at Kahlan, who turns into some fat, short woman. This explains so much._

Gwildor: Now tonight we dine in... a restaurant!

_So they go to a nice little inn where they feast on food and rum._

Fat Old Man: Om nom nom nom nom...

Fat Short Woman: Fat ass...

FOM: Like you should talk. Aren't ladies supposed to have table manners?

FSW: STFU!

Gwildor: Quarreling like an old married couple... I like it!

FSW: Eww...

_Enter Richard and Kahlan._

Gwildor: Ah, shit!

_The three stooges sneak out._

Waiter: Zomg! Richard and Kahlan! What's up?

Kahlan: We're supposed to meet Zedd here.

Waiter: I haven't seen him around yet. But I'll give you a room!

Kahlan: Naw, that's okay. Darken Rahl is killing people found giving aid to the enemy.

Richard: Yeah. So we'll just camp out in the woods some more until Zedd comes back.

Waiter: Okay! But at least let me feed you.

_So fed they are!_

_Meanwhile..._

FOM: Even though we have all that treasure we stole, let's find some horses to steal and try crossing that one river by dawn.

Gwildor: No! Let's steal the Sword of Truth! We'll get oodles of money for that!

FOM: But... That's too dangerous. Sorry but no.

Gwildor: Well then, if you won't do it I'll find someone else!

_So FOM and FSW go off to steal the Sword of Truth in the guise of Richard and Kahlan._

FOM: If the Seeker catches us, we're dead! I don't wanna die!

FSW: Wtf? You're the Seeker too now. You could take yourself on!

FOM: But... I don't know how to fight!

FSW: Good Lord! You're such a moron! I know how we're gonna get the sword.

FOM: Zomg! You can fight them?

FSW: No, dipshit! I, in the body of a sexy woman, will be able to distract the Seeker while you steal the sword!

FOM: Oh.

_So FSW goes over to a nearby lake where Richard is packing stuff up._

Richard: Okay! Let's go!

FSW: Ah, but I feel like taking a swim. It's so hot, you know. (_Gets naked and jumps into lake._) Come in... Come in!

Richard: Uh... Okay! (_Gets naked and jumps into lake._)

_And they both start making out. Kids still living at home pray that their parental unit doesn't walk in the room... FOM quickly steals Richard's abandoned sword and runs away. _

FSW: Oh wait... Maybe this is a bad idea. Okay! Let's get going now.

Richard: God dammit! You women are confusing!

_Meanwhile, FOM, still looking like Richard, runs into the real Kahlan._

Kahlan: Hi Richard! Are you ready yet?

FOM/Richard: Oh, I forgot something back by the lake. Brb! (_Flees._)

Kahlan: Silly Richard... (_Walks back to campsite where she sees... Richard!_)

Richard: God Kahlan! You are so confusing! Why? Why must you mess with my feelings?!

Kahlan: Wtf?

Richard: Going skinny dipping with me, getting me all... um... What's an appropriate word to say on television? Oh hey! Your hair's dry.

Kahlan: Your hair's wet.

Richard: That wasn't you at the lake...

Kahlan: That wasn't you in the forest...

Richard: (_Pulls out sword._) Hey! This isn't mine!

Kahlan: Someone stole the Sword of Truth! How?

Richard: I was distracted... By you. Or someone trying to be you.

Kahlan: You see Richard! I told you we can't be in love! Because then you go and start skinny dipping with random, Kahlan look-a-likes!

Richard: Uh... Let's split up! I'll look this way and you look that way.

_Meanwhile..._

Gwildor: Captain D'Haran thing! Is there still a reward for capturing the Seeker and Confessor?

Captain: Yes.

Gwildor: And is there still oodles of gold as a reward?

Captain: Yes, but it's to be shared with me! Now where are they?

Gwildor: Uh, let's speak in private!

_Meanwhile..._

FOM/Richard: So if this is worth 100,000 gold pieces and we divide that by three... How much do I get?

FSW/Kahlan: Two! Divide by two instead!

FOM: But... There's you, me, and Gwildor. That makes three of us! Am i rite?

FSW: Zomg... We risked our lives for this therefore we should get all the moneys!

FOM: But... He has the mirror!

FSW: But... We have the sword! We can go to our little cave, wait for him to show up, whack him with the sword, take the mirror and run away!

FOM: Yay!

_Suddenly D'Harans pop out from nowhere and surround FOM and FSW._

D'Haran: Freeze Seeker!

FOM: Eeeeeeeeek! (_Throws sword to D'Haran_.) Take it!

Captain: Ha! What a coward. Let's take him away!

FOM: I'm not the Seeker!

FSW: I'm not the Confessor! We're just thieves!

FOM: When our friend comes back, he'll tell you.

FSW: I steal money from hobos!

FOM: I steal money from children!

FSW: I steal money from my mother!

FOM: I steal money from my father!

FSW: I steal money from my dog- Which I stole from a blind man!

FOM: I steal money from my dog- Which I stole from a deaf man!

FSW: I steal money from-

Captain: STFU! Someone gag them! Please!

_So FOM and FSW are gagged._

_Meanwhile, Richard is searching for his sword. _

_Enter Blond Chick._

BC: Oh, my love! My darling... I hunger for your tou-

Richard: Wtf? Who are you?!

BC: Last night was ah-mazing! (_Starts making out._)

Richard: You're not Kahlan! (_Enter Kahlan._) Oh, hi Kahlan! This isn't what it looks like.

Kahlan: (_Is not amused._)

Richard: I've never seen this crazy beezy in my life!

BC: Oh Seeker... She'll understand your love for me. I just left my husband for you. He understood. In fact, he seemed delighted to be rid of me!

_Enter Town Person Leader Thing, with a group of men._

TPLT: A ha! The Seeker! What a lie! You used your reputation against us! You robbed my treasure and now you're robbing my wife!

Richard: Wtf?

BC: Noooo! The Seeker wuvs me and would never commit such blasphemous acts! He probably just has the treasure hidden somewhere. Like... In his pants!

Richard: Whoa! Uh...

Kahlan: We don't know what you're talking about. There is some magic going on with two people who look like us.

Richard: Yeah, we don't steal.

TLPT: STFU! The Seeker is dead! There never was a Seeker.

BC: (_Knocks out TLPT with a branch._) Run! Run for your life my precious little chicken tender!

_They flee. The group of people follow._

_Meanwhile, the D'Harans lock up FSW and FOM. I really wish someone would say their real names..._

FOM: Oh yeah... The treasure wasn't enough! You just had to get the sword too!

FSW: You're a chauvinistic pig! You should've acted like a hero and let the woman escape!

FOM: What woman?

FSW: (_Bitch smacks FOM._)

FOM: (_Bitch smacks FSW._)

_And they have a nice little fighting match which results in them having a make-out session. Then they start bickering again and I finally find out that FSW's name is Claire. I love these characters. They should bring them back..._

_Meanwhile, Richard and Kahlan have outrun the townspeople._

Richard: I think we lost them...

Kahlan: But... Everyone will be looking for us!

Richard: We need to get the treasure back.

Kahlan: Obviously. But... How?

Richard: We need Zedd...

Kahlan: Maybe he's finally at the tavern?

_So they head to the tavern._

_Meanwhile, in that tavern..._

Captain: Hey everyone! I captured the Seeker so free drinks on me!

Everyone: Yay!

Captain: Private word, waitress?

Waiter: Of course.

_They go into the backroom._

Captain: I know you and Gwildor are helping the Seeker!

Waiter: Wtf? I don't know what you're talking about!

Captain: Where is he?!

Waiter: I DON'T KNOW!

Captain: Then you'll just have to give me some action!

Waiter: No! I belong to someone else!

Captain: (_Pulls out magical compact mirror and changes into Gwildor._) Haha, just kidding...

Waiter: Oh thank goodness! Wazzup?

Gwildor: Oh you know, capturing petty thieves that look like the Seeker and Confessor.

Waiter: Fritz and Claire?

Gwildor: Yes.

Waiter: Sweet! We'll be helping the Seeker and Confessor, getting rid of pesky thieves, getting moneys, and be together! Yay!

Gwildor: Here, you should hold onto this magical compact mirror!

Waiter: Okays!

_Richard and Kahlan head into the tavern._

Waiter: Richard and Kahlan!

Richard: Bianca! Have you seen Zedd?

Bianca: No... And I thought you two were captured.

Kahlan: Nope! It must be our imposters.

Bianca: Imposters? Wtf?

Kahlan: Yeah, we don't know. But we're gonna go rescue them, kay?

Bianca: Wtf? Why? Darken Rahl thinks he's got you. You're free!

Richard: Yeah but... They stole treasure and the Sword of Truth!

Bianca: Well that sucks. Anyways, some D'Haran came in here and started talking about a mord sith and peoples coming this way. Take another pass.

Kahlan: Kthxbai!

_Richard and Kahlan leave. Bianca shortly leaves on a horse._

_Next scene. Richard and Kahlan are wandering through wood and discussing their issues._

Richard: We really should just leave the imposters to die. Then, everyone will think I'm dead and fangirls will stop chasing me!

Kahlan: I'm sure Rahl will figure out that they're not us..

Richard: Well, at least they won't be jacking anymore shit.

Kahlan: But... Darken Rahl plans on breaking you and making you say and do anything! Thieves will break instantly!

Richard: Zomg... People will think I'm fighting on Rahl's side! Nooooooo!

_Later that night, in the dungeons..._

Claire: Hey sexy guard! Do you expect me to eat this shit? I mean, really! I'm the Mother fuckin' Confessor! Bring me some real food and I'll give you some real fun!

Guard: W... t... f...?

Claire: Oh is it those stories you've heard? Yeah, it's just a superstition. Just like us eating babies to keep our powers alive and burning someone to ash by just staring.

Guard: No... It's just that your friend already got ahold of real food in exchange for giving me pleasure.

Fritz: (_Nomming chicken._) Sup?

Claire: Wtf? None for me! Well, you can please the guard then!

_Guard enters the cell with the keys. Claire whacks him over the head with a pot. He falls over, unconscious while Fritz takes his keys. And off they go! Shortly, the captain, who is really Gwildor, is told that the two dunderheads have escaped. So Gwildor flees in fear of what the mord sith would do to him if they found out. He finds the waiter, tells her all his troubles, and asks for the mirror back so he can change back._

Waiter: Dude, this could all work perfectly! You see, Richard and Kahlan are on their way here to free Fritz and Claire. When they come, you can grab them and...

Gwildor: Fart in their face?

Waiter: No...

Gwildor: Uh, tie them up and force them to eat salty pickles dipped in dog poo?

Waiter: Wtf?! No!

Gwildor: Um.... Yeah, I got nothing.

Waiter: You can turn them in to the mord sith so they can deliver the real thing to Darken Rahl!

Gwildor: Ah... But what about Fritz and Claire? They're after the treasure in the cave!

Waiter: Bejeezus! You're a D'Haran Captain right now. Send a quad to kill them!

Gwildor: Wow, you're so smart. Now get your ass back to the tavern and pack your stuff. I'll come for you tonight!

_Meanwhile, Fritz and Claire are emptying the cave of it's stolen treasure._

Claire: Okay, when Gwildor comes, we're gonna hide behind a rock and then knock him out and steal the magical mirror!

Fritz: Meh. He's probably expecting that. It's better if we just take off with what we have now.

Claire: Oh, you just like looking sexy.

_Enter D'Harans and the Guard._

Guard: Oh look, the Seeker and the Confessor! They're gonna die!

Claire: Oh, uh... If you let us go, the Seeker here will finish up what I had interrupted. Heh heh...

Guard: Attack!

_The D'Harans proceed to attack Claire and Fritz but before they can do anything, a sudden gust of fire comes in and consumes all D'Harans. Zedd has come to save the day!_

Zedd: Richard and Kahlan! Yay!

Claire: Oh yeah. Uh, yay indeed?

Zedd: I was at the tavern and heard the Seeker had been captured so I followed these- (_Spots treasure._) What's this?

Claire: Oh, uh... We're keeping it safe.

Fritz: Yeah. Evil D'Harans were gonna steal it.

Zedd: Oh goody! Now we can take it back.

Fritz: Uh, yeah. Good call. But... You don't need to come with us.

Claire: Yeah, we'll transfer the gold and meet you back at the crossroads.

Zedd: Hurr... That's a great idea! Just like what we did in Missenthaw!

Claire and Fritz: Yeah! Haha, that was great.

Zedd: Lies! There is no Missenthaw! Now I'll take the treasure back on my own. But first, tell me who you are and where my friends are!

_Meanwhile, the real Richard and Kahlan are scoping out the D'Haran camp that Fritz and Claire escaped from. The sneak in and are suddenly ambushed by D'Haran guards. Epic sword fight ensues. But, for once, Richard and Kahlan lose this fight and end up captured._

Richard: Well this sucks!

_Now Claire and Fritz are discussing the magical mirror to Zedd._

Zedd: So this mirror... Wtf?

Claire: Well, I get someone to look inside it for awhile. Then, I can shine it at someone else and turn you into them.

Zedd: Zomg! Vontressa's Mirror! It's been gone forever!

Claire: Gwildor found it.

Fritz: YEAH! This is all his fault!

Claire: I only did it because I thought it would be aiding the Seeker in his quest!

Fritz: You'll believe anything after a few pints of vodka! Somebody check this girl into Alcoholics Anonymous...

Claire: (_Shoves Fritz._)

Fritz: (_Pushes Claire._)

Zedd: ENOUGH! Now, how did Gwildor get the reflections of Richard and Kahlan?

Fritz: Oh, we got some woman to trick them into looking in the mirror. Gave them a shave and a haircut.

Zedd: Bianca?

Fritz: Yes!

Zedd: I thought she was on our side!

Fritz: Ah... So since you are now against her, and we were already against her, that makes us friends!

Claire: Ah yes! Now that we helped out our new bestest best friend, we'll be on our way!

Zedd: Not yet...

_In the tavern..._

Zedd: Hi Bianca!

Bianca: Oh Zedd! Great to see you. Richard and Kahlan have been looking everywhere for you!

Zedd: Ah, yes. I just rescued them from a D'Haran camp.

Bianca: How wonderful!

Zedd: Don't play games. I know you have a magical mirror and I want it!

Bianca: Uh... Wtf?

Zedd: I'll have this confessor touch you with her magic if you don't give me the information I want!

Claire: Ah yes... I've been dying for a new slave to add to my collection. You could be the one who wipes my ass!

Bianca: Okay! Here! Take it! (_Hands over mirror._)

Claire: Where's Gwildor?

Bianca: In a D'Haran camp posting as a guard.

Zedd: And where's Richard and Kahlan?

Bianca: Wtf? Are you cereal?!

Zedd: Just tell me where they are!

Bianca: Idk! Probably fell into Gwildor's trap. A mord sith could be taking them to Darken Rahl right now! And that's all I know! I swear it...

Zedd: Sure...

_Meanwhile, Richard and Kahlan are being brought forward to a mord sith. A D'Haran hands her Richard's sword._

Gwildor: So... the reward?

Mord Sith: You shall get it after Darken Rahl has these two. You'll have to come with us.

Gwildor: You mean I get to meet the great, sexy Darken Rahl? Sweet!

Mord Sith: Ah yes. He might even let you touch him if you bring him the Wizard too! But of course... only the Seeker knows where he is!

_Enter Bianca, Fritz, and Claire._

Bianca: WAIT! You've all been fooled! I have the real Seeker and Confessor! Oh, and that man turning them in? Yeah, that's just a common thief in a D'Haran disguise. They're all impostors and I can prove it with this magical mirror!

Gwildor: NOOOOOO!

Bianca: (_Uses mirror to change him back to his normal-looking self._)

Gwildor: You BITCH!

Bianca: The Seeker and Confessor are next!

Mord Sith: No! I don't know what the hell is going on but I am taking all of you to Darken Rahl!

_So everyone marches off to Darken Rahl's house. In the middle of their journey, they find Zedd, bound and gagged to a tree._

Mord Sith: Holy crap cats! It's Zeddicus! Now maybe Darken Rahl will finally bake me cookies in the shape of agiels and shackles!

D'Haran: I bet it's a trap...

Mord Sith: Ah, but I am a mord sith, therefore his powers against me are useless. (_Walks to Zedd._)

Bianca: (_Uses magic to unshackle Richard and Kahlan_.)

Kahlan: Wtf? Zedd?

Zedd/Bianca: Shhh... (_Unshackles self, then uses magic to get the Sword of Truth away from a __D'Haran and back into Richard's hands._)

Richard: Sweet!

D'Haran: Whut... HEY!

_And right before an epic sword fight can ensue, Zedd/Bianca uses a magical spell to knock out all opponents. This gets the Mord Sith's attention. Richard, Kahlan, Fritz, Claire, and Zedd all flee while Bianca/Zedd escapes from her ropes and starts crying for Gwildor._

D'Haran: Well, Mistress, at least you got the Wizard?

Bianca: I'm not the Wizard! I'm Bianca! Gwildor! GWILDOR! I'm over here! I love you, numnuts!

Mord Sith: Oh blah blah blah. I'm taking you to Darken Rahl!

_Meanwhile, one of the Richards and one of the Kahlans are traipsing through wood._

Kahlan or Claire: Whew, that was close! So, Seeker, is that the Sword of Truth in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

Richard or Fritz: Wha? Ok- You're not Kahlan!

Claire: Ah, but I can give you the pleasure you've been wanting from her.

Richard: Whut? NOOOOOOO! I only want it from Kahlan!

Claire: I am Kahlan.

Richard: No! You're creepy!

Claire: Ah, some fun you are.

_Enter Zedd, Fritz, and Kahlan._

Zedd: Bejeezus! How do you women survive wearing these corsets all the time?! (_Uses mirror to change back, then does the same to Claire and Fritz._)

Fritz and Claire: Kthxbai! (_Flee._)

Richard: Wtf? We're letting thieves escape?!

Zedd: Of course we are! Those two are hilarious...


	19. Cursed

_Enter Richard and Kahlan, running for their lives. Who did Richard piss off this time?_

Kahlan: Whew... I think we lost them.

_They sit and catch their breath. And... Ew! Richard has a giant pile of snot in his hands!_

Kahlan: Oh those crazy bees. They're almost as scary as Zedd's face in the morning...

_Oh... I guess that pile of snot was supposed to be honey._

Richard: Ah, there's not even enough honey for both of us. Here, you take it.

Kahlan: No... You take it.

Richard: No... You take it!

Kahlan: But you did all the work.

Richard: But... You're pretty!

_Enter Zedd._

Zedd: Ooo breakfast! (_Noms honey_.) Anyways, I guess we're headed East. I spoke to some Resistance person thing. Apparently, King Gregor is requesting help from the Seeker, even though he somehow managed to keep the D'Harans away from his kingdom...

Richard: But... Why would he need me?

_We are now taken to a scene where a frightened young woman is fleeing for her life. Are bees chasing her too? Probably not, because it's nighttime and bees don't wander about chasing random chicks at night. Suddenly, a monstrous creature grabs her and starts nomming her to death. Yep, definitely not a bee._

_Anyways... Zedd, Richard, and Kahlan are on their way to this King Gregor person. Suddenly, they are surrounded by a bunch of soldier people things. The leader realizes it's the Seeker and his friends and tells the soldiers to lower their weapons. _

Leader: Seeker! What an honor to meet you! I'm Marius, Gregor's brother. And this is the captain, Flynne.

Flynne: Hi!

Marius: Now we shall take you to our leader!

_In King Gregor's palace..._

Gregor: Oh Seeker! What an honor it is to meet you. You are so awesome and blah blah blah...

Richard: Ack! Enough small talk. Just tell me why I'm here and what I have to do so I can finish this quest already!

Gregor: Alright... You see, there's been a beast terrorizing everyone. You need to destroy it.

Richard: But... You need to tell me where it is!

Gregor: You've been looking at it!

Richard: Oh, I already know that.

Gregor: Whut?

Richard: Kahlan. She's a sexy beast. But... No! I don't want to destroy Kahlan! You can't make me!

Gregor: I meant me.

Richard: Oh.

Gregor: Anyways, D'Harans were here being all D'Harany so we sought help from this chick from Agaden Reach.

Zedd: Shota?

Gregor: Yes.

Kahlan: Why?

Gregor: Cuz she can see the future! Anyways, she cursed me. Now, every night, I turn into a (_Dramatic Pose_) Calthrop!

Zedd: (_Gasp_)

Kahlan: (_Gasp_)

Book Fans: (_Wtf are they doing to the books now?_)

Richard: Duuuh... What's a Calthrop?

Kahlan: It's a creature that disguises itself as a person during the day to lure innocent people into it's trap so it can eat them for dinner!

Richard: (_Gasp_) A Calthrop ate King Gregor and has disguised himself as the King so he can easily lure innocent people into his castle and eat them up! We're his next victims!

Gregor: What? What's all this madness? Calthrops are simply werewolves that transform every night instead of once a month.

Kahlan: Oh that's right! This is the TV Show. My bad!

Book Fans: (_Facepalm_.)

Gregor: Anyways, Calthrops are one of the few things D'Harans fear. In fact, it's the second most common fear among D'Harans.

Richard: What's the first?

Zedd: Watermelons.

Richard: Wtf?

Zedd: Yeah, I don't get it either...

Gregor: As I was saying... Since D'Harans fear Calthrops, I have been able to keep all the D'Harans away. But then, I kept butchering my own people so I went to Shota to get the curse removed but she refused. We tried everything to keep me from killing. Even this Rada Han! Still failed. Now I hang out in this very remote area where I prey on unwary travelers. I have no recollection of anything I do when I transform. A few days ago, I woke up and saw the remains of my own wife!

Marius: Ah don't feel too bad. You were just protecting your kingdom. Plus, she was a bit of a nag anyway...

Gregor: Well, I even tried committing suicide in various ways. No luck.

Richard: But... How am I supposed to help?

Zedd: Only the Sword of Truth can kill a calthrop! Either that, or the person who made the curse. So perhaps I could try to convince Shota to remove the curse.

Richard: And I could watch over the King while he's gone!

Everyone: Hooray!

_So Richard, King Gregor, and Kahlan all make plans to keep the townspeople safe._

_Enter woman._

Woman: Daddy!

Gregor: This is my daughter, Princess Cora.

Cora: Zomg! Seeker! I wuvs you soooo much! You're so hot... Can I haz autographz?

Richard: Noooo! A fangirl! (Flees.)

_That night, Richard attempts to chain down King Gregor to keep him from attacking people. Seeing as Marius claims to have tried the same thing, I doubt this will work._

Richard: Zeddikin's magic made these chains unbreakable!

Gregor: Yeah, I'm so sure that will work! [!]

Richard: Wtf? What's [!]?

Gregor: The sarcasm button. Whenever you're being sarcastic on the internets, you use [!].

Richard: Srsly? That's awesome!

Gregor: Ain't it though? But anyways, if this fails to work and I go after you, please save yourself and feel free to kill me.

Richard: Otays!

_Meanwhile, Zedd arrives at Shota's house._

Shota: Oh Zedd! I can't believe you just up and left me all those years ago! Think of how powerful our children could be today. But I don't want you anymore anyways. Cuz you're _old!_

Zedd: Shota... Stfu! You need to help King Gregor. Release that curse and let him be free!

Shota: Zedd... I do everything for a reason. You want to know what will happen if I remove the curse? The D'Harans will invade the city, destroy some stuff, and then head on over to my place! So do we want to risk a couple of people being killed every night, or hundreds of people slaughtered all at once?

_Back at the castle, Kahlan and Cora are holding a nice conversation about how hot Richard is._

Cora: You're so lucky you get to travel with the Seeker all the time! I love his hair and his body and... those eyes! (_Squeals._)

Kahlan: Oh I know! He's so cute... Why just the other day I saw him ta-

_Enter Man._

Man: We went to pick up your family from Knollwood Grove but the horses got bit by a snake vine. I had to come back to get another horse.

Cora: Duncan... The beast hunts around Knollwood Grove!

Duncan: No circafan, Sherlock! And it's almost dark out so we can't leave the castle.

Kahlan: Circafan? Anyways, no worries! I shall go with you to help get your family.

_So Kahlan and Cora gallop off to Knollwood Grove._

_Meanwhile, King Gregor turns into the Calthrop- which looks a lot like a cross between Voldemort and a Death Metal singer. Did the chains break? No. Instead, the Calthrop easily yanked them out of the wall. Lovely!_

_Meanwhile, Kahlan and Cora arrived at Knollwood Grove and have a wagon set up for the family. A strange noise is heard, which causes the horses to bolt. And then the Calthrop shows up and starts frightening the children and terrorizing the women. Kahlan does her best to fight him off. Richard soon shows up to save the day. Does he save the day? No. The Calthrop knocks the Sword of Truth out of his hands and Richard is helpless. This makes Kahlan angry. So she goes into the Con Dar and tries attacking the Calthrop hands on. He just knocks her down. Richard uses this opportunity to grab his sword and stab the Calthrop. All is safe._

Cora: Zomg! Kahlan, are you okays?

Kahlan: BLERGHABLEH! (_Grabs Cora's neck._)

Cora: Eeeeek! Save meh Richard!

Richard: Kahlan... Stop! Stop it!

Kahlan: Whut? Oooh... Hi Richard! Sorry Cora...

Cora: Well the beast is- Hey! This isn't the beast! This is my father! (_Tears._)

_The next day..._

Kahlan: Man, I am a beast!

Richard: Yeah... A sexy beast!

Kahlan: No, I mean... I'm a monster! This is the second time I went into the Con Dar, and I almost confessed an innocent person! Noez!

Richard: Ah, it's okay. You were only protecting me.

Kahlan: But... Next time I could end up hurting someone I love!

_Enter Zedd._

Zedd: Richard! I hear you killed the Calthrop. God Richard! You are so circafannin' stupid!

Richard: Circafannin'?

Zedd: Wtf? I meant circafannin'! Wait... Circafan! What the circafan?! Why can't I swear?

Richard: Wtf? Let me try! Okay... Circafan! Circafan circafan circafan! Circafan! God damn! I can't say any good swear words! It's like I'm being censored or some circafan!

Kahlan: Whatever! Now what did Richard do wrong this time?

Zedd: Well, this city needs the Calthrop! Without it, the D'Harans will invade and start circafanning circafan up!

Richard: Well... Let's just make sure the D'Harans never find out that the Calthrop has been exterminated!

Zedd: But... I don't think the D'Harans are that stupid.

Richard: I do!

_Later on, Kahlan goes to comfort Cora._

Cora: Why? Why didn't my father tell meh?!

Kahlan: Well, think about it- Every night he turns into some Voldemort/Death Metal singer hybrid and starts nomming the flesh of innocent people. If you ever did that, would you want anyone knowing?

Cora: I guess not... But still! How am I supposed to lead this country? I think I should have Marius do it instead. I mean, he is a man after all.

Kahlan: Oh just take the throne and suck it up already! I'm getting bored...

_So Cora takes up the position of Queen._

Cora: Okay, so how are we gonna fool the D'Harans into believing that the calthrop still lives?

Marius: Slaughter dead sheep and leave their carcasses at the border?

Zedd: Ah, and I have some magical chimes that will set off the howl of a calthrop whenever a D'Haran approaches!

Marius: What a great idea! Let's start now!

_Marius and Zedd leave._

Cora: Thank you, Kahlan, for all your help! Is there anything at all I can do?

Kahlan: Actually... Yes!

_And the next time Richard sets eyes on his beloved Kahlan, she has a Rada Han around her neck!_

Richard: Wtf? Why do you have a Rada Han around your neck?

Kahlan: Because I'm Kahlan and the mere thought of accidently confessing an innocent person makes me paranoid.

Richard: But... You're Kahlan! It's your gift to have this magical rage that helps get me out of trouble. I mean, it's really no different than what normal women go through once a month...

Kahlan: Richard... Stfu! You don't know anything about women and the pain and suffering they go through, much less my own pain!

_Meanwhile, in a D'Haran encampment._

D'Haran: Captain person thing, a spy tells us that the Calthrop has been slain and that the Seeker is chillin' in Caddock.

Captain: How wonderful!

D'Haran: But he'll be leaving soon. And the new Queen has found a way to make us believe that the Calthrop is still alive.

Captain: O rly?

D'Haran: Ya rly!

_Later that night._

Richard: Oh Zedd! Pwease teach Kahlan how to control her womanly powers! Pwetty pwease wiff sugar on top?

Zedd: Richard... I am but a man! The Con Dar must be taught by the woman's mother! Jeez...

Richard: But Zeeeedd! I don't like seeing Kahlan with a Rada Han around her neck! I hear sorceresses can use it to bring great pain...

Zedd: Richard... Shut up!

_Calthrop noises._

Richard: Holy circafan! That sounded just like a Calthrop! What a handy tool you created!

Zedd: Uh... I haven't assembled it yet.

Richard: Oh circafan...

_At the castle..._

Cora: Another monster? Wtf?!

Zedd: Shota must be behind it!

Richard: That's what she said.

Zedd: Whut?

Kahlan: Let's go find her!

Man: I'll inform Marius! (_Leaves._)

Kahlan: You still look bothered, majesty.

Cora: Uh... I found my mother's diary and some of the things she wrote has scarred me for life. It's very... detailed in the activities she did with my father. I never knew how many things you can do with a bottle of chocolate syrup!

Kahlan: Uh... I'm sorry?

Cora: And not only that, but the reason she was outside at night was because she thought my father was cheating on her with some woman who lived near Knollwood Grove. She never put who the woman was though. Anyways, my mother went to confront them-

Richard: But... The King was too busy being a Calthrop!

Kahlan: Very good, Richard. But obviously, her mother didn't know that. Let her finish!

Richard: Sorry.

Cora: Anyways, someone told her that he was cheating on her. Someone she trusted.

Richard: And someone who knew where he'd be at night...

Kahlan: And want her dead?

Richard: And only one person knew about the Calthrop... Marius! He wants the Kingdom all to himself so he had King Gregor kill his wife, and then want to kill himself. And now that he's dead...

Cora: I'm next to die!

_Later..._

Man: We can't find Prince Marius! The last time I saw him was when I told him about a new calthrop.

Richard: Nevertheless... I shall go off and find him! Keep the Queen safe.

_So Richard goes off to find Marius whilst the man and his friends lead the women to safety._

Kahlan: So... What super safe and special place are you taking us?

Man: (_Pulls out crossbow_) To the Underworld!

Kahlan: Wtf? You're in on Marius' side!

Man: And you're wearing a Rada Han! Men, grab this betch!

_But before any man can do anything, Kahlan roundhouse kicks the leader, grabs his crossbow, and starts shooting at the other men. Chuck Norris would be proud. Then, Cora and Kahlan run for their lives as remaining men try catching them. _

_Meanwhile, Richard has found Marius!_

Richard: A HA! I know your secret... You're the new calthrop!

Marius: Me? Psht, yeah right.

Richard: Well... I know you wanted the King and Queen dead so you could have the throne. And you're so crazy that you went to Shota to make her transform you!

Marius: Zomg Seeker... Your so stupid.

Richard: Well, the sun shall be setting soon and we shall see if you are the calthrop!

Marius: If I was the calthrop, shouldn't you be getting away from me now that you have the chance?

Richard: ... Maybe.

_Meanwhile..._

Zedd: Shota! Who did you curse now?!

Shota: Zedd... I put a curse on the entire royal family! Every person who inherits the throne becomes a calthrop!

Zedd: Crap.

_Meanwhile, Cora and Kahlan have sought safety in a room. Kahlan is attempting to hold the door shut to keep the men out._

Kahlan: Circafan... I'm gonna have to confess a guard. You're gonna need to help me take off this collar!

Cora: (_Turns into Calthrop._)

Kahlan: Holy circafan!

_Kahlan lets the men in. As they are distracted by the large Voldemort/Death Metal singer hybrid, Kahlan flees and tells the first man she sees to get everyone out of the castle. As he runs off to do this, Kahlan finally removes her Rada Han with a key (I'm not even gonna waste time ranting about that one). Then, Richard shows up with Marius._

Richard: What the bloody circafan is going on around here?!

Kahlan: Cora's the calthrop.

Richard: Well let's use the Rada Han on her!

Kahlan: But... That didn't work on the king!

Richard: O rly?

Kahlan: Hurr... (_confesses Marius_.) Now, wtf is up with the Rada Han?

Marius: Oh, I slipped in some sleeping potion to the King and once he was asleep, I unlocked the Rada Han.

Richard: Sweet! Now Marius shall help us put this around Cora's neck!

Kahlan: Hooray!

_So Marius distracts the calthrop while Richard sneaks up behind it and snaps the Rada Han around it's neck. It turns back into Cora. _

Cora: Okay... So if I'm the calthrop, then why the hell did you flee?

Marius: I was warning the D'Harans that there was a new calthrop on the loose. But I never got to them in time. They'll be invading this place soon.

Cora: Sweet! Take off this Rada Han and I'll slaughter them all!

Richard: But... the sun is rising! Too late.

_And as the D'Harans invade the castle, Richard and Kahlan start fighting them all off. The only thing worth noting is that someone kills Marius. And then, they get outnumbered. The D'Haran captain shows up and takes over the throne. _

Captain: Ah, what a wonderful throne. Now bring the Seeker up here so that I can laugh into his fucking face!

Richard: Wha? We can say "circafan" again? Oh circafan! Why can't I say it?

Captain: Wtf? Anyways, we're gonna chop off your pretty little hands! (_Guards tie Richard's hands down to a table and proceed to chop them off_.)

Richard: CIRCAFAN!!!

_Back to Shota and Zedd._

Shota: And that will happen in exactly sixty minutes! And we're too far away to do anything about it!

Zedd: But... Together we have the power to move mountains!

_Back to the castle._

Captain: Ah, what a wonderful throne. Now bring the Seeker up here so that I can laugh into his fucking face!

Richard: Wha? We can say "circafan" again? Oh circafan! Why can't I say it?

Captain: Wtf? Anyways, we're gonna chop off your pretty little hands! (_Guards tie Richard's hands down to a table and proceed to chop them off_. _But suddenly... It's nighttime again?!_)

Cora: Yay night! (_Removes Rada Han and transforms. Then she starts kicking some D'Haran ass until all of them run away, screaming like frightened little girls._)

_Meanwhile, it turns out that Shota and Zedd have combined their powers to make daytime night. I wish I had that kind of power so that I could use it to get out of school early... Anyways, they finish their little spell and all goes bright again._

Shota: See Zedd! You see that? That is why I wanted to make little Shota/Zedd babies with you! So that they can do that kind of circafan!

Zedd: Exactly! This kind of magic is way too dangerous. Thus, I left you. And now we must defeat the great sex-god that is Darken Rahl!

Shota: Alright... But I shall show you something first!

_Back at the castle, Cora has destroyed all D'Harans with her calthropy powers._

Richard: Well, I guess this means D'Harans won't be invading again.

Cora: But... What if my people find out?

Kahlan: That's why you wear this Rada Han! I'm not gonna be using it anymore because I have finally realized that being a confessor can really come in handy!

Cora: Yay! (_hugz_)

_So Richard and Kahlan leave. Zedd suddenly joins them._

Zedd: We've gotta hurry up! Now!

Kahlan: Wtf? Why?

Zedd: Shota showed me a vision! There's another Book of Counted Shadows!

Kahlan: Well pshyeah! There's actually, like, nine other copies in existence. However, all but one of them are-

Zedd: Kahlan! This is the TV show! And we're nowhere near there yet!

Kahlan: Oh, whoops...

Zedd: Anyways... Rahl will soon know about it. But I know the area in which it is hidden. If we hurry, we can beat Rahl to it!


	20. Sanctuary

_We are immediately taken to some unknown library place. A chick is writing stuff down while an old man with a very annoying voice is watching her._

Man With Annoying Voice: It's getting late. You should go home.

Chick: Don't tell me what to do...

MWAV: Wtf are you working on anyway? Darken/Giller slash fics?

Chick: Um... Maybe...

MWAV: Sweet! I wanna read it!

Chick: No, that's okay. I really should get go-

_Enter Man._

Man: Olivia!

Olivia: James! Uh... Why are you here?

James: I painted you a pretty picture of your fatherless son!

Olivia: Aw, how sweet. Thanks!

James: Yeah, I also went by your house but I didn't see you through your bedroom window. Or your kitchen window. Or any window.

Olivia: Zomg! Aiden wasn't home?!

James: Um, no.

Olivia: Okay! Now I really must flee! (_Flees and tells some man to clean up her own mess. MWAV got a good enough look at it to blab it to a certain sexy leader..._)

_Later on..._

Darken: God I'm gorgeous. Okay, man with a super annoying voice- You say you know where The Book of Counted Shadows is? Well, you're a moron! That book was destroyed!

MWAV: Ah, but there are still more copies hidden in the world. Truly someone as great and sexy as yourself should know that.

Darken: Why yes... I am great and sexy. Anyways, you say this unknown library chick is tracking down a copy?

MWAV: Blah blah blah watching blah blah blah clues blah blah blah one last clue needed to find the book blah blah blah. My voice is annoying as hell. Blah.

Egremont: Perhaps this woman should be invited to meet the great, sexy Darken Rahl!

Darken: Only if she's hot.

MWAV: Oh no... She and her husband are misguided fools who think you're nothing but a fat, angry, middle-aged D'Haran man!

Darken: O rly?

MWAV: Ya rly. Her husband is dead though. Killed by a D'Haran.

Darken: Okay Egremont! Order some troops to surround this library and find me this woman! And I shall go to the library as well, to find the book myself!

_Back at the library, Kahlan, Zedd, and Richard arrive._

Man: Welcome to this great and wonderful library!

Zedd: We're looking for a specific book. It's old and rare and I doubt you've ever heard of it. In fact, I have no idea why I'm even telling you all of this if I know you probably haven't heard of it...

Man: Well, you'd have to talk to our librarian about that but she's not here today.

Kahlan: Okays! We'll just look around on our own then.

_So the group searches around the library in a very impressed state of mind. Zedd makes a comment about how huge it is and how they'd need a librarian after all. Even though, the library at the Wizard's Keep is so huge that they need one librarian in every section. And- Wait a minute! Isn't there something called a "Dewey Decimal System" that they can use to find whatever books they need to find? This library doesn't even have a Dewey Decimal System? Lame!_

Zedd: So, man whose name we do not know- When is your librarian supposed to return?

Man: Uh... No one knows.

Zedd: Zomg your amulet! It's so pretty... You're part of the Brotherhood!

Man: You know of them?

Zedd: Yes! They serve my people well.

Kahlan: Yeah, he's Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander, Wizard of the First Order.

Man: Zomg! I'm so deeply honored! (_Bows._) I can't believe it's you! Can I haz autographz?!

Richard: I'm the Seeker!

Man: Oh Zedd! I shall be your most humble servant!

Richard: But... What about meh?! Only I can have fans!

Kahlan: Oh Richard...

Man: Anyways, our librarian, Olivia, hasn't been here for awhile. We don't know when she'll be back. Her crazy son has gone missing and her husband is dead.

_Meanwhile, in town.._

Little Boy: Pwease give me moneys! My daddy says that if I don't bring him home a hundred dollars, he'll make me brush my teeth with a disembodied dog tail!

Man: Aw you poor thing! Here, take two hundred!

Boy: Thank you! Oh miss, pwease! Pwease give me some moneys! If I don't bring my mommy back fifty bucks, she'll make me eat my pet bunny! He's my only fwiend in the world...

Woman: (_ignores._)

_Enter beggar._

Beggar: Hey! You're taking away all my customers with your cute little face and sad, puppy dog eyes.

Boy: No, actually your customers just can't stand the smell of you. Also, you look like a crap I once took.

_Two of the beggars friends show up and carry the boy away to their leader._

Leader: Aw look, a little boy trying to beg. You do know it's illegal here. I'll keep you safe though, but you'll need to give me your moneys.

Boy: I don't have moneys. Just this! (_Hands over cup of coins and attempts to run. Men grab him and shake all the money out of his pockets._)

Boy: Hey! Stop taking all me money!

Leader: Yeah, well you're gonna work for me now.

Boy: (_Flees._)

Leader: Heh heh... Hey! Where's my coin purse?! That bastard stole it! Go get him!

_So a few beggar men run after the little boy. The boy runs into a building where James is painting another pretty picture. _

James: Aiden! How nice to see you.

Aiden: HIDE MEH!

_So the men break into the artist's house in search for Aiden, but cannot find him._

Leader: Where's the boy?!

James: Idk! I'm just a pretty little artist who paints pretty little pictures of pretty little things!

Men: We can't find him!

Leader: Grr. If I find out you're hiding him, I will shank you! (_Leaves._)

_Meanwhile, Kahlan, Richard, and Zedd are at Olivia's house._

Olivia: How'd you know I was looking for The Book of Counted Shadows? STALKERS!

Kahlan: This crazy witch person thing told us about it and that Darken Rahl will soon know of it.

Olivia: But... I haven't told anyone about it! How will Rahl know? Oh... But there is that man with that annoying voice who won't stop talking to me...

Zedd: Well, we need to hurry up and find the book, then get you as far away from here as possible!

Olivia: But... What about Aiden?

Richard: Aiden? That band is _awesome_! Are they touring here? If they are, we need to see them! I can defeat Rahl some other time.

Olivia: Wtf? Aiden's my son!

Richard: Oh.

Olivia: Yeah, I've been such a horrible mother lately. I've been abandoning him to finish my husband's work.

Richard: Aw, that's okay. I'll help find your son and then we can all go see Aiden in concert together!

Kahlan: Yeah, but we need you to help us out at the library lately. I can't believe there's not a Dewey Decimal System there...

Olivia: Okays! But first I shall grab my shawl of shawliness!

Richard: Oh look at this pretty little picture of a pretty little boy! Oi Olivia! Is this your son? Olivia?

Kahlan: Wtf? Where is she?!

_Where is Olivia? Off in some unknown area of hills and trees._

Aiden: Mommy!

Olivia: Aiden! I'm sorry for abandoning you.

Aiden: I'm sorry for running away.

Olivia: So... Where are we?

_Where are they? Why, in a picture James is painting! Wtf?_

_Meanwhile..._

Richard: Wtf?! I can't find her anywhere!

Zedd: I suspect magic!

Kahlan: I suspect Rahl!

Richard: Well, you two should head off to the library whilst I go to town in search for Aiden! If I hurry, maybe I could get front row seats and have the opportunity to touch Wil Francis!

Kahlan: Whut? Richard! We have no time for concerts! Or finding lost children... The only thing we should be searching for is The Book of Counted Shadows!

Richard: But... Wil Francis! (_Flees._)

Zedd: Well, we must trust the Seeker. And I used to be a crowd surfer back in the day...

_Back to James, painting himself in the same painting Olivia and Aiden are in. Suddenly, he disappears and reappears inside the painting._

Olivia: James? Wtf is going on?

James: Long story. But isn't this place so perdy?

Olivia: Sure, but... I be confused!

James: Remember back in the day when I was always talking to you at the library?

Olivia: Oh yeah, you wanted art books.

James: No, I just wanted an excuse to stalk you. But in the end, I ended up finding this book that taught me the magic of art! Basically, I can paint real people and objects inside a new world and that real person or object gets sent there.

Aiden: So... We're in a painting?

James: Yes!

Olivia: Well this is fun and all, but I wanna go home now, kay?

James: You don't like my pretty world?

Olivia: Yeah, that too. But more importantly, I need to help the Seeker defeat Darken Rahl.

James: Oh, that won't be a problem! (_Goes over to an easel and starts painting. He ends up appearing back in his studio._)

_Meanwhile, in the library, D'Harans break down the door._

Man from the Brotherhood: Why hello there! Welcome to-

D'Haran Leader: STFU and give me the librarian!

Man: Uh... She's not here. Maybe tom-

Leader: (_Grabs Man._) Take us to her! NAO! Before Lord Rahl gets here... (_To everyone else._) This library now belongs to the People's Peace Army!

D'Haran: (_Whispers_) We're called the Dragon Cor...

Leader: This library now belongs to the Dragon Cor! Now GTFO!

_Meanwhile, the Brotherhood Man person thing is leading the rest of the D'Harans to Olivia when suddenly, Kahlan and Zedd show up and start an epic sword fight. Like most epic sword fights, Kahlan, and Zedd kill off all D'Harans. _

Man: Oh thank goodness you saved me! The D'Harans have taken over the library! They were making me take them to Olivia...

Zedd: Do you know where all her paperwork and books are?

Man: Yes! Locked in a cabinet in this one place.

Zedd: Oh goody! I'll get her work while you guys find Richard and tell him everything.

Man: But... How will you get in?

Zedd: By being invisible, silly!

_Meanwhile, Richard is wandering around town, looking for Aiden- both boy and band._

Richard: Have you seen this boy? No? Do you know when Aiden will be touring here? Never heard of them? Well some help you are! Hey! Have you seen this boy?

Man: Uh... You should talk to those guys over there.

Richard: A HA! (_Runs over to group of beggars from earlier._) Where is the boy?!

Man: Last I saw him, he ran into a painting studio and mysteriously disappeared!

Richard: Interesting...

_Enter Kahlan._

Kahlan: Richard! Did you find Aiden?

Richard: Kahlan! No I did not. But I heard that the boy was hiding in a painter's studio place thingy.

_So Richard and Kahlan break into James' studio._

Richard: Bring us the boy!

James: Just a minute! (_Paints._) Okay and... there we go!

_Outside, shrieks and gasps can be heard. Richard and Kahlan go outside to investigate and... the library has disappeared!_

_Inside the painting..._

Aiden: Mommy! It's the library!

Olivia: Yay!

_They both run for the library._

_Inside the studio..._

Richard: So Olivia and Aiden are inside that painting? Trippy...

James: Yep! And Olivia told me you need a book from the library so I brought the library- and everything in it- to her! Aren't I such a clever little monkey?

Kahlan: Holy circafan! Zedd and a bunch of D'Harans are in the library!

Richard: It's okay! Zedd's a wizard! He can do anything!

James: Uh... Magic does not work inside paintings... Except for my own magic.

_Meanwhile, inside the library..._

Leader: (_Pushes Zedd_.) How the bloody fucktards did you suddenly appear out of nowhere?!

Zedd: How the bloody circafans are you able to swear without being censored?!

Leader: (_Bitch smacks Zedd._)

_Enter Olivia and Aiden._

Olivia: Quoi?

D'Harans: (_Grab Olivia and Aiden._)

Leader: Who are you?

Zedd: Zomg... You D'Harans are so stupid! She's obviously just an innocent women bringing her son here to read books! Something you're incapable of doing, I'm sure.

Aiden: CIRCAFAN YOU, D'HARANS! CIRCAFAN YOU TO HEEELLLLLLLL! (_Stupidly attacks the leader, who just grabs him and puts a knife to his throat._)

Leader: Now tell me who you are!

Olivia: I'm... the librarian.

_Meanwhile, at James'..._

Kahlan: Get them out!

James: I would but... I can only get people out of my painting by painting them in the easel that is inside the painting... I'll have to go inside the painting!

Richard: But... The D'Harans will kill you!

Kahlan: Who cares.

Richard: I do! In fact... I'll go inside the painting! I'll circafan the D'Harans up, and find the book.

James: And then I'll go in and paint out everybody!

_Inside the painting._

Leader: Where is The Book of Counted Shadows?

Olivia: I don't know yet!

Leader: Well you better find it or I will shank your son!

Olivia: Noooo! I'll do anything!

Aiden: Good Lord, you D'Harans are so stupid! That book will do you no good for we are not in Kansas anymore!

Leader: Whut? We were never in Kansas!

Aiden: Well look outside anyways!

Leader: (_Looks outside._) Holy shit! Where are we?!

_Meanwhile, Darken Rahl is being... Darkeny._

Darken: My best soldiers and guards ever! Telling me lies! Now tell me... How the bloody fucktards could a library suddenly disappear?! I do not approve of your stupidity thus I cut your eyes out! (_Prepares to cut eyes out._)

_Enter Egremont._

Egremont: Great Lord of Sexiness! Some of our men were killed by a Wizard and a Confessor...

Darken: Ah... So those pesky kids are behind this madness! Very well. Tell all my men to search everywhere for that Seeker!

_Back in the painting._

Leader: The Wizard! You conjured up this crazy land, didn't you?

Zedd: Quoi? I have no magic! If I did, I wouldn't have been captured now would I have? But it looks like we're in some crazy new world. There could be calthrops, watermelons, and calthrops carrying watermelons for all we know! You all should really get going now.

Leader: Alright men! Scope out this area and see who's responsible for this madness!

_D'Harans leave._

_Meanwhile, James is painting Richard into the painting._

Richard: God, how much longer is this going to take? My nose itches!

Kahlan: Just think: A world without magic.

Richard: How wonderful!

Man of the Brotherhood: But... The Sword of Truth and the power of Confession would be lost.

Kahlan: Yeah, but sometimes, magic sucks.

James: Well, farewell Seeker!

_Richard disappears from the studio and reappears inside the painting. Suddenly, the D'Harans appear thereby causing an epic sword fight. Who wins? Why, Richard of course! And then Richard runs into the library, which causes another epic sword fight to ensue. It's like a video game! Speaking of video games... This show should become a video game! I'd hella buy that circafan! Anyways, Richard has gotten rid of all opponents except for the leader, who has Olivia at knife point. But then Zedd sneaks up behind the leader with a giant board and whacks him over the head with it, causing him to fall unconscious._

Richard: Okays! Now that that's all over and done with... We must get the book! Then, James will get us out of here.

Olivia: But... I dunno where it is!

Zedd: Well that's why you have us!

_Back to Darken Rahl._

Darken: Now, which of you soldiers are worthy of gazing upon my beauty? Hurr... You're not worthy. You're not worthy. Oh, you're _definitely_ not worthy-

_Enter Egremont._

Egremont: My Lord! I found a merchant who knows information!

Beggar Leader From Earlier: Yes! I have info on the Seeker! He was looking for some child who stole moneys from me! I told him the boy was last seen in a painter's studio, east of here. On that one street of bakers. Two houses down from the pink and blue mini van.

Darken: Why thank you for that information! However, you smell horrible and look like a shit I once took. Thus, you are not worthy of looking at me! (_Gasp_) Did you just look me in the eye? How dare you look me in the eye! I will shank you! (_Shanks Beggar Leader and heads off to James' house._)

_Back in the library._

Olivia: Well, I've been trying to translate this piece of parchment but I don't know German!

Richard: I know German! Okay, it says that the book I seek is hidden in a safe place, between the world below and the stars above... Well that's helpful. [!]

Olivia: Yes! It's here in the library! Follow me...

_So Olivia leads the group to the Astrology section, which is directly across the Underworld section. _

Olivia: See! Here's books on stars, and books on the Underworld!

Richard: But... That's educational! I don't want to read educational stuff. I'm going to see if there's any graphic novels around...

Olivia: Nooo! The Book of Counted Shadows is around this area somewhere.

Richard: Stars above? World below? Zomg! I totally get it now! The book is hidden in that wall over there! (_Breaks open wall, revealing a book._) A ha! It's a book! Wizard's First Rule! "It was an odd-looking vine. Dusky variegated leaves hunkered against- Wait. Wtf is this circafan?!

Zedd: Maybe The Book of Counted Shadows is hidden in the wall behind this tapestry?

Richard: Holy circafan! I'm in this book!

Kahlan: Richard! Look behind that tapestry, dammit!

Richard: But I'm reading an interesting book about odd-looking vines, dammit!

Kahlan: GRRRRRR!

Richard: Alright, fine then. (_Looks behind tapestry._) Hurr... This part of the wall looks suspicious... I shall break it open! (_Breaks open wall, revealing a book. Richard reads it aloud.)_ "One shadow, two shadow, three shadow, four." Yep! This is it. The Book of Counted Shadows! Here you go, Olivia. Now I shall resume reading this book that has a character with the same name as me!

_Back to James'._

_Enter Kahlan._

Kahlan: Wtf are you still doing here, James?

James: Painting you inside this picture. Goodbye! (_Kahlan disappears._)

Brotherhood Man Thing: Wtf?

James: D'Harans are everywhere. She's safer in there. Now, I'm going in next and when I'm gone, get the painting out of here!

_Back in the painting._

Kahlan: Wtf?

Richard: Wtf are you doing here?! Where's James?

_Enter James._

James: Hello there, everyone!

Richard: Kay, we got The Book of Counted Shadows. We can go now.

James: But... Why leave? This place is perfect!

Kahlan: Why would we leave? Gee, maybe it's because Darken Rahl and his army are taking over the Midlands and Richard is the only one who can stop them?

_Back at James'. The Brotherhood Man is rolling up the painting to take it somewhere safe._

_Enter Darken Rahl. _

Darken: Whatcha doing?

Brotherhood: Eatin' chocolate...

Darken: Where'd you get it?

Brotherhood: Doggy dropped it...

Darken: Where's the doggy?

Brotherhood: At the door...

Darken: What's he doing?

Brotherhood: Making more!

Darken: Okay, enough of that crap. What is that in your hands? Oooh, a painting. And would you look at that! Everything I've been looking for is right here. The Seeker, the Mother Confessor, the library, and... Is that a band? That singer looks a lot like Wil Francis... That band must be Aiden! I've been dying to see them in concert. This is all too coincidental. This painting must be enchanted!

Brotherhood: Oh no... It's just rubbish.

Darken: Then I guess you wouldn't mind if I light it on fire!

Brotherhood: Nooo! You'll destroy The Book of Counted Shadows if you do!

_Back in the painting. Music can be heard in the background._

James: Look! It's perfect in here! I even painted in a nice band for all of us to enjoy!

Richard: Is it Aiden? It sounds like Aiden! Zomg! (_Richard tries running, but Kahlan grabs him._)

Kahlan: No, Richard. We have more important things to do!

Richard: But... Aiden!

James: Yes... In here, you can go to all the Aiden concerts you want!

Olivia: That's nice and all, but we really should get back...

James: But... Noooooo!

Olivia: But... Yeeeees!

James: We must stay!

Olivia: We must go!

Richard: (_Sings_) Oh, it's up to me to make you fuckin' bleed. We are the scavengers, scavengers of the damned...

Kahlan: Zomg! Richard... You can swear!

Richard: Holy circafan! I can- Wtf? Noooo!

James: Maybe it has something to do with singing?

Richard: (_Sings_) Fuuuuuuuuuck! Sweet! I found a way to get past the censor!

Kahlan: Let me try! (_Sings_) Shit shit, fuuuuck and a mother fuuuckin' damn! Shiiiiiiiitt.

Aiden: (_Sings_) You are aaallll such whoooooorres!

Olivia: Aiden! Watch your mouth!

_Back to Darken Rahl._

Darken: So I burn this, I burn The Book of Counted Shadows. But along with the Seeker... You know what? Destroying the Seeker is more important to me than one book. Besides, aren't there still, like, seven other copies? Yep! I shall burn the painting! (_Holds painting over candle and watches it burn_.)

Brotherhood: NOOOOOOOO!!!

Egremont: (_Stabs Brotherhood Man thing. He dies._)

Darken: (_Yawn._)

_In the painting._

Kahlan: Zomg! Fire!

James: Someone's trying to destroy my painting! But... Why?!

Kahlan: Who cares! Save us all by painting us out!

James: Not enough time! But, I could paint the library out- with everyone in it! Hurry into the library while I paint. (_Starts painting like mad_.)

Richard: But... What about you?

James: No time! Now hurry in!

_So James paints the library, but in the process, burns to death. A horrible way to die, in my opinion._

_Back in James' studio, Darken Rahl has successfully burnt the entire painting. Suddenly, gasps can be heard. _

Darken: Wtf? (_Investigates_.) The library is back! Go to the library! NAO!

_Inside the library..._

Zedd: We better get our asses out of here.

_And they all flee to safety._

Richard: Boy, I'm glad that's over it!

Kahlan: Yes! But life here is no longer safe for you, Olivia.

Zedd: Yeah, I'll take you over to the resistance. You'll be safe there.

Olivia: Thanks. Oh, and here's The Book of Counted Shadows.

Richard: Ahh, thanks so much! But... Where's Aiden?

Aiden: I'm right here!

Richard: No... I mean, the band... Do you think James had time to save them?

_Back in town..._

Wil Francis: Alright! Now that that crazy ass shit is over with, we need to rehearse for our next gig at Darken Rahl's palace!

Band mates: Yay!

_Later that night, around a campfire..._

Richard: Wow! This book is really interesting! Not only does it have a character named Richard, but it also has one named Zedd, and one named Kahlan! What are the odds of that?

Kahlan: Richard! Shouldn't you be reading The Book of Counted Shadows?

Richard: Oh, I already read it. Apparently to defeat Darken Rahl, I have to get the power of Orden or some (_sings_) shiiiiiiiit!

Kahlan: Oh Richard... Wait- You've already had the power of Orden before! And it corrupted you!

Richard: Yeah, I kn- Whoa! What's this we're doing in the spirit house?!


	21. Fever

_I'm a dork... I had iTunes open, and then I closed it to start this chapter... Since I actually bought this episode off iTunes... I kind of need iTunes open to watch it! And now my computer's being slow for some unknown reason. Oi vey. Oh, and do not play with your food unless you want your fingers to smell like onions! Okay, now that I am done boring you with my menial tasks, we start off with Jennsen, who is living with some family._

Jennsen: Oh you pretty little child! Eat my stew for I gave all the nasty vegetables to your Daddy!

Child: Yay!

_Enter Man._

Man: Zomg Jennsen! D'Harans are here, searching every building for you and The Boxes of Orden! You have to flee! But first: Take this Al Qaeda stone! If you get caught by the D'Harans, eat it so you will die before they torture you.

Jennsen: (_Takes boxes, stone, and flees._)

_Suddenly D'Harans barge through the door. The leader of the group, who looks very much like leaders we've seen in past episodes, starts shoving men around and demanding to see Jennsen. The family plays stupid._

_Jennsen spends all night and morning running until... She trips, falls, and almost lands into a lake. She hears D'Harans nearby, thus tosses the bag of boxes into the lake. Shortly after, the D'Harans catch her and she loses the Al Qaeda stone. Not good._

_Meanwhile, Richard and Zedd are all chillin' by a campfire whilst Kahlan sleeps._

Richard: (_Reading_) "Zedd gave the boundary warden a sidelong glance. 'Because she knows more about the Underworld than anyone alive.'" The End! (_Shuts book._) Wow! That was a good book! Now that I'm finished reading it, I can discuss how I'm gonna defeat Rahl! Wait... Holy crap cats! I have to put all three Boxes of Orden together to defeat Darken Rahl! But... Last time I did that, I was corrupted! Oh rattails! What am I gonna do?!

Zedd: Simple! You just have to learn to possess the power of Orden.

Richard: Well in The Book of Counted Shadows, it says something about something taming the beast. Some magic more powerful than Orden... Hey! Didn't you once say that love is the most powerful thing ever?! Maybe we need love! (_Gasp_) We need a Confessor!

Zedd: Very good, Richard. You get a gold star!

Richard: Yay! Except... If I know Kahlan, she's gonna throw a huge lady rage over the fact that she'll have to confess me. Let's not tell her until we actually get all three Boxes of Orden.

Zedd: Smart boy! You get another gold star!

Richard: Hooray!

_The next day, our wayfaring friends arrive at what was once Jennsen's secret hide-out._

Richard: Oh, look at these pretty flowers right outside the house! I shall pick them for my sister!

_And Richard fangirls everywhere go "aww." I just wonder why my brother never does anything nice for me. All he does is grumble to himself, and when he does talk, I can't understand what he's saying because it's all math, science, politics, and political science._

Kahlan: Oh Richard... You're so sw- Whoa! What's up with this giant, red X on the door?

Richard: TREASURE! (_Breaks open door and runs inside_.) Hey... There's no treasure in here! That door _lied_!

Man: GRAAAAHBELABOOGEBOOLA! (_Charges at Richard._)

Richard: Eeeek! Shawn, it's me! Richard!

Shawn: Oh, sorry. Anyways, Darken Rahl found out we were hiding Jennsen so he unleashed a magical plague upon our village.

Richard: (_Gasp_) What is this madness?! Magical plagues aren't supposed to happen until season four!

Shawn: Yeah, but Rahl doesn't want some other villain to get that kind of glory, so he decided to do it now. Anyways, the only way we can get the cure is if we bring the Seeker to Lord Rahl.

Richard: Well, where's Jennsen?

Shawn: The D'Harans came. We told her to run and gave her an Al Qaeda stone, just in case. Now follow me to the place where we keep the sick people!

_So Shawn leads them to a very small area of land that is full of what appear to be "Hoovervilles." However, there is no President Hoover in LegendofTheSeekerLand, so they must be nicknamed something else. Maybe something like "Rahltowns" or "Rahlshacks." Idk. Anyways, sickly looking people are all around. It makes me grateful that I have never had to witness such a terrifying thing as a plague. _

Shawn: Yep! More and more people arrive here everyday! And there's nothing we can do about it, except turn in the Seeker. It's contagious by touch, so don't touch anyone!

Richard: Wow... Too bad my imaginary half-brother that is highly experienced in medical matters isn't here right now. He'd know what to do!

Shawn: And here's my daughter. She's dying. And it sucks because I can't help her! We have no health insurance and Valley Medical doesn't exist yet!

Kahlan: Zedd! You're a wizard! I bet you can do something.

Zedd: Actually, yes! I can do something. However, I'll need a few hours to recover after healing one person. If I don't, I'd get the plague myself.

Richard: Well this is fun and all, but we need to find Jennsen and the boxes. Then, I can order Rahl to give us the cure.

Kahlan: The Cure? I thought you wanted Aiden.

Richard: Them too!

Kahlan: Well, discussing musical wants is fun and all, but we don't even know if Jennsen's alive.

_Is Jennsen alive? It appears so. Where is she? In what appears to be Darken Rahl's house._

Nurse: Well, she looks alive, but barely.

Darken: Oh goody! Let me know when she wakes up. Betch better give me my boxes back!

_Five minutes later..._

Nurse: Okay! She's awake!

Darken: What? I just now got my bubble bath ready and she decides to wake up now? (_Sigh_) Very well then.

Nurse: But we have a problem. She doesn't remember anything! No... She's not lying. Your men hella pwned her and now her senses suck. This does not surprise me.

_Darken Rahl enters Jennsen's room._

Jennsen: Whoa! And who is this sexy beast we have here?

Darken: Yes... I am a sexy beast, aren't I? Anyways, I'm a friend who is keeping you safe from your wicked brother of Westland, called the Seeker. I'll tell you everything later- When I can think of a believable story to tell you.

_Back to Richard and co._

Richard: So... If you were to turn me in, where would you have done it?

Shawn: Oh, there's this Garrison nearby.

Kahlan: Ah, I can confess whoever's in charge over there! Get some information.

Richard: And the cure!

Shawn: The band?

Richard: Them too!

Zedd: Alright! It's settled then. You two go to the Garrison while I try healing people. But first: I shall disguise this rock as your head so you guys can get close enough to confess him!

_At the Garrison._

Shawn: I have the Seeker's head and will only give it to the commander, bitches! Tell him to bring the cure to the Sorcerer's Bluff place thingy! Alone!

D'Haran: Okay! Nothing suspicious about those orders...

_Meanwhile, Zedd is attempting to heal sick people._

_Enter man, followed by a long line._

Man: My son is next!

Zedd: I must rest or else I'll die healing everyone! Anyways, your son is not next- the baker is next!

Man: Wtf? I baker over a child?!

Zedd: Bitch, please! We need a baker in this town a lot more than we need another bratty kid!

Man: Wtf is this circafan?! How dare you decide who lives and who dies!

Zedd: How dare you question the Wizard of The First Order! Now STFU before I smack you upside the head with a bag of Cheetos!

_Back at Darken Rahl's house._

Darken: And then your so-called "brother" put the Boxes of Orden together and made two hot women fight to death so he can... Well, you know.

Jennsen: I vaguely remember that part... But I'm tired of discussing this. It sickens me.

Darken: Okay! But remember- You are pristinely ungifted which makes you a special snowflake who is not affected by magic. Thus, you bravely saved the world by pulling the boxes apart! And then you ran off with two of them. But where did you hide them?

Jennsen: I don't want to think about this traumatic experience anymore! Can't I just lay here in bed and eat ice cream?

Darken: Alright.

_Meanwhile, D'Harans are on their way to this Sorcerer's Bluff place thing. Shawn, Richard, and Kahlan spy on them from behind trees. Suddenly, Shawn chucks the "Seeker's" head at a D'Haran as Kahlan starts chucking knives. Then, Richard comes in and an epic sword fight ensues. Can't have an episode without that!_

Kahlan: Wow! We've fought off a majority of the D'Harans. Now, leader of the D'Haran group, I shall confess you for I do not approve of your behavior!

Richard: Nooo! He has welts on his neck. He's got the plague!

_At Darken Rahl's cas- AWWWWW!!! Darken Rahl's holding a kitten! How cute!_

Darken Fangirls: Awwwwww!

Darken: Like this kitten? I rescued it for you! (_Hands over kitten._)

Jennsen: Awww! He's so cute!

Darken: Me? I know I am. But thanks.

_Meanwhile, my cat is meowing loudly to go outside. It is currently pouring rain. Crazy cat! Can I trade with Jennsen?_

Darken: So... Your memories? Have they returned.

Jennsen: No. But I don't want to remember! It's all too horrible.

Darken: Of course it is.

_At the sick people village._

_Enter Richard, Kahlan, and the sick D'Haran._

Man: Wtf is this circafan?

Kahlan: Betch! I'm the Mother effin' Confessor. Show me some respect!

Zedd: What's going on?

Richard: You need to heal this man so Kahlan can confess him, kay?

Group of Sick People: Wtf is this circafan?! Healing a D'Haran over all of us? Rah rah rah rah rah rah rah!

Kahlan: STFU! This man probably has important information that can be used to cure all of you at once!

Group of Sick People: Rah rah rah rah rah!

Zedd: Oh, rah rah rah, yourself!

Richard: Ra ra, ah ah ah, roma ro ma ma, ga ga, oh la la... Oh, sorry. What are we rahing about again?

_Back at Darken's._

Jennsen: Pretty kitty bitty boo... I shall name you Pee Wee and you shall be mine forever and ever!

_Loud wailing can be heard from another room. Jennsen investigates and sees the nurse walking out with a wailing woman. Darken Rahl sits down in a sorrowful manner._

Jennsen: What's wrong?

Darken: The Seeker killed yet again! I just had to tell a mother that her son died.

Jennsen: Dammit! I hate my brother!

Darken: As do I. I mean, he's also my son- I mean, brother. You, me and the Seeker have the same Daddy! His name was Panis Rahl and he was a great leader. However, the Seeker kept conquering cities and countries. Anyways, my father once told me that he read a prophecy about how he'd have a son that would become the Seeker and kill me. But he didn't care because he was a sex addict and condoms did not exist back then. So I killed that mother fuckin' bastard. I killed him, and used his blood as finger paint!

Book Fans: (_Hope Darken Rahl is lying about being Richard's and Jennsen's brother._)

Darken: Anyways, I tried reasoning with the Seeker, but he has some crazy idea that he's some sort of hero. He doesn't listen to a word I say. Why, I haven't recieved a Christmas card from him in twenty years!

Jennsen: (_Gasp_) No Christmas cards? That monster! We need to stop him. I'm gonna try to remember where I hid the boxes now.

_Back at SickPeopleLand._

Zedd: Okay! I healed him now.

Kahlan: (_Confesses_) Where's Jennsen?

Leader Thing: Idk! The General took her away after we beat her half to death. They're hoping Rahl could get information out of her.

Richard: Okay! You're taking me to where Jennsen was captured!

_Back at Darken's._

Jennsen: Okay. I remember this farmer dude telling me to run. And I took the boxes with me along with Al Qaeda.

Darken: You mean an Al Quaeda stone?

Jennsen: That too!

Darken: You poor thing.

Jennsen: Yes. I recall trying to eat the Al Qaeda stone but I dropped it. But what did I do with the boxes?

Darken: Yes, what did you do with the boxes?

Jennsen: I remember sneaking into this hideous castle to steal them...

Darken: Yes. Wait, what?

Jennsen: And then a bunch of other stuff happened and I ended up keeping them hidden in some farmer's house.

Darken: Yes, we've already elaborated on that. Go on.

Jennsen: I cooked stew for dinner.

Darken: That is irrelevant to everything. What else?

Jennsen: (_Gasp_) I gave all the nasty vegetables to the farmer!

Darken: I really don't care. Now where the bloody fuck are the boxes?!

Jennsen: The boxes? I threw them in a lake!

Darken: Sweet!

_So a quad is sent to the lake._

_Meanwhile, Richard is at that lake, looking for the boxes._

Richard: Wtf? Where's the boxes?! Oh what a pretty lake! My Seeker senses tell me that I should go swimming in it. (_Swims in it._)

_The quad shows up and shoots the Leader person thingy._

Richard: Hey, look! I found a giant purse full of magical boxes!

D'Haran: Aher! (_Shoots arrow at Richard._)

Richard: Noez! (_Falls underwater_)

D'Haran: (_Wades into water_)

Richard: BOO! (_Pops up and stabs D'Haran, then chucks a knife at another D'Haran. The last D'Haran standing runs away like a frightened little girl._)

_Back at SickPeopleLand._

Zedd: I need rest!

Group of People: Nooo! Save us! (_Grab at Zedd._)

Kahlan: Don't touch him!

Man: My son died!

Kahlan: Enough! You're gonna kill him!

Man: (_Grabs out knife_)

Kahlan: Ah hellz no! (_Confesses, gets sick, and falls to the ground._)

Man: Mistress, no! Everybody stand back! Being confessed has made me think logically for the first time in my life... We should be ashamed for the way we've been behaving!

Back in Darkenland.

Egremont: My Lord! I just read in this here journey book that the Quad has failed and the Seeker has the boxes.

Darken: Wtf? Noooooooo!!! (_Grabs book and chucks it across the room. You show that book, Darken. How dare it tell you the truth!_)

Egremont: My Lord, since the Seeker has the book and the boxes, you should leave this place now before he comes to get you!

Darken: But... Where can I go? Where will I be safe?! Where will no one find me?!

Egremont: Chilladelphia?

Darken: I haz a better idea. (_Goes to see Jennsen._) Jennsen, I have failed. The Seeker has the boxes now.

Jennsen: You could run?

Darken: But... A plague has broken out! I can't abandon my own, dying people. However, my sorcerer's have a cure but I can't go out there and give it to them now. In fact, only you can give it to them.

Jennsen: But... his men almost killed me! How could I ever go back?

Darken: Simple! Tell him what he wants to hear. Tell him he's a great and wonderful hero and that I'm nothing but an angry, middle-aged, D'Haran man who tortured you into telling me where the boxes are but you never told me. And that you stole the cure from me and escaped and never came back. Then, steal the boxes and bring them back to me.

Jennsen: But... That doesn't sound like the Richard you told me about! In fact, that doesn't match up with your story at all.

Darken: Oh, stop being logical and just do it already!

Jennsen: Okay! Wait- You have sorcerers even though you're a wizard?

_In the world of the sick..._

_Enter Richard._

Richard: I haz the boxes! Kahlan? Kahlan!

Man: She's dying.

Zedd: She confessed a sick man to save me. I'm sick too and there's no way I can recover.

Richard: But... You can't die! In fact, I shall put the Boxes of Orden together and force Rahl to give me the cure.

Zedd: But... Kahlan's too sick to confess you and there's no other confessors around.

Richard: I don't need a confessor. I'll just take this Al Qaeda stone before putting the boxes together. Then, I'll tell Rahl to send over the cure and I'll kill him, then I'll die.

Zedd: Nooo!

Richard: Yeees! (_Leaves and sees Jennsen._) Jennsen! (_Glomps_)

Jennsen: Rahl captured me and tortured me, but I told him nothing about the boxes. He's mean! Anyways, I stole the cure and escaped.

Richard: You stole a band?

Jennsen: Band? No, I have this! (_Pulls out a vial._) Here, let me hold the boxes while you hand out the cure.

Richard: Okays! (_Hands over boxes and gives cure to Kahlan and Zedd._)

Jennsen: (_Runs off_)

Richard: Jennsen? How dare you run off! (_Grabs Jennsen_) Wtf is wrong with you?!

Jennsen: Please don't hurt meh!

Richard: Wtf? Where are you going with the boxes?

Jennsen: To Lord Rahl.

Richard: Wtf? Rahl's evil!

Jennsen: He said you'd say that. And that you put the Boxes of Orden together and forced people to kill each other! Did you do that?

Richard: Uh, maybe. But... Wtf?!

Jennsen: Your men beat me to death and made me lose my memory! Rahl took care of me. He even gave me a kitten! I named him Pee Wee.

Richard: Pee Wee? Wtf? Anyways, it's obvious that Rahl has been lying to you. I'm a good person! Honestly! When we first met, I had rescued you and our mother from a mord sith. And then you stole the boxes from Rahl. And I put them together to save mother! Sure, it failed in the end but it's the thought that counts.

Jennsen: Zomg! I remember now! Everything makes sense again!

_Enter D'Harans._

Richard: DEMONS BE GONE! (_Pulls out sword._)

_And an epic sword fight ensues. Richard wins._

_Back at Darkenland..._

Darken: Oh pretty little kitten. I shall call you Dingus and you shall be my Dingus!

Egremont: My Lord! Another report! Jennsen is now on the Seeker's side. And the Seeker still has all three boxes.

Darken: GRRRR! (_Crushe__s kitten. PETA would not approve._) Pull out my armies and get Mistress Cara and her sisters together. Shit is going down!

_Back at encampment._

Richard: Well, I'm glad everyone is well and all. Hi Kahlan!

Kahlan: Did you get the boxes?

Richard: Yeah. And guess what you get to do?

Kahlan: Whut?

Richard: You get to confess me as soon as I put the boxes together!

Kahlan: What? WHAT?!?! Why the bloody circafan do I need to do such a circafanning thing like that! I am not confessing you. I will never confess you! NEVER!!! CIRCAFAAAAAAAAN!!!! CIRCAFAN IT ALL TO HELL!

Richard: I knew you'd have a lady rage about this!

Kahlan:AAAAAHHHHH!!!! (_Chucks pillow at Richard._)

Richard: Now, now. No need for violence!


	22. Reckoning

_Well kiddies, here it is... The last chapter of the season! _

_We start off in DarkenRahlLand._

Darken: Alright, large group of Mord Sith. The Seeker has The Book of Counted Shadows along with all three Boxes of Orden.

Mord Sith: Oh Lord Rahl... None of us have gone to the good side of the Seeker and his friends. Obviously, he would have used the power of Orden by now. So why? Why are you so worried?

Darken: Oh Cara. The Seeker has reasons for everything he does. Now you shall all go kill him!

Cara: If only you ordered me to kill him months ago! I could take that mo fo on!

Darken: Sure you can. [!] Anyways, the Seeker is located in this one area of land by that one town in that one country.

Cara: Well that's specific! [!]

Darken: Do not use the sarcasm button in my presence!

_Meanwhile, our wayfaring friends are preparing to use the magic of Orden to destroy Darken Rahl once and for all!_

Kahlan: I don't wanna confess Richard! You can't make me!

Zedd: STFU! We need to hurry up and get this over with so that I can go back to my nice, little cottage and play with my precious chickens!

_So Richard puts the boxes together at the same time Kahlan confesses him. During this moment of magic, a flock of crows come falling from the sky and emerge as Darken Rahl and his posse of mord sith. One of the mord sith pokes Richard's head with an agiel and Zedd stupidly shoots fire at another one. She turns the magic around so that Zedd burns to death. Suddenly, a great vortex in the boxes opens up and consumes Richard, but leaves his sword behind. The impact of the vortex knocks Kahlan down. She gets up, and freaks out over Richard's missing body. _

Darken: Oh pretty confessor... Your wizard is dead and your seeker has evaporated mysteriously. Too bad so sad. Now come with me to my magical castle of doom!

_At Darken Rahl's magical castle of doom..._

Darken: This Rada Han around your neck doesn't match your dress. Let me fix that for you! (_Makes Rada Han pretty._)

Kahlan: You're a monster!

Darken: Silly Kahlan. If I was a monster, I'd already have you in my bed! Oh, and I'd probably also have a bald head, a massive body, and a thin chain with one end connected to my nose and the other end to my ear. Oh, and a wool vest. Can't forget the wool vest!

Kahlan: Circafan you, betch!

Darken: Oh Kahlan, soon you will be begging to be in my bed. A lot of my fangirls actually wish they were in your place right now. And if you do agree to be my Queen, I'll lift that censor spell from your tongue!

Kahlan: Censor spell? Wtf?

Darken: I recently put a censor spell on every person who does not work for me. Basically, every time someone tries swearing, the word "circafan" comes out instead.

Kahlan: (_Gasp_) You're behind that?!

Darken: Yep.

Kahlan: Why? Why would you do such a thing?

Darken: Did it upset you and your friends?

Kahlan: No, not really.

Darken: Damn. Well, if you refuse to join me in bed, you shall live in a dungeon! Take her away, guards!

_Meanwhile, Shota is viewing a vision in her vision bowl thingy. She sees Richard and Cara in the spot where they were doing the whole Boxes of Orden thing._

Richard: Kahlan? Zedd? Wtf?

Cara: (_Pokes Richard with agiel. They fight._)

Shota: Well this isn't good.

_Enter group of mord sith. They grab Shota and start torturing her._

_Meanwhile, the fight is still going on between Richard and Cara. Cara appears to be winning. Out of nowhere, a random man appears and clubs Cara unconcious with a club, then whacks Richard. Another random man appears and joins in on the fight. Richard then picks up a sword, thereby turning this epic fight into an epic sword fight. Everyone but Richard is eliminated- except for one of the random men. He flees for his life. Richard steals Cara's agiel and runs after the man._

_Later on, Richard finds two men having a nice, little camping trip. Instead of being civilized and asking what the hell is going on, he starts poking the men with the agiel. _

Richard: (_Grabs man._) What the hell is going on?! Where's the Mother Confessor and the Wizard? ANSWER MEH!

Man: I serve the master!

Richard: The master? You serve Doctor Who's arch nemesis?

Man: Wtf? No! I serve Master Rahl!

Richard: Holy crap cats! Darken Rahl is now an evil time lord?!

(_Enter group of wayfaring hobos_.)

Wayfaring Hobo 1: Zomg! You're the Seeker! I saw you in Brennidon! You started a food fight and then ripped off a scene from The Lion King!

Richard: Heh heh. I did, didn't I?

WH1: But... You look exactly the same as before!

Richard: Well pshyeah! That was only, like, back in November.

WH1: Wtf? It was sixty years ago!

Richard: Whut?

WH1: You disappeared when the Master's father won.

Richard: Huh?

WH1: Darken Rahl! His son now rules. He sends people out to slaughter people who refuse to go and be confessed by him. Me and my wayfaring friends have been hiding from him.

Richard: A confessor? Do you know where Mother Confessor Kahlan Amnell is?

WH1: Oh! Queen Kahlan! She was so pretty.

Richard: Queen? Was?

WH1: She gave birth to the Master and died long ago.

_And then Richard fell to his knees and cried like an emo bitch._

WH1: You could kill the Master! Will you do it?

Richard: (_Stops crying_) Okay! (_Continues crying_)

_Back to the present. Kahlan is locked in a dungeon cell._

Shota: Kahlan! Can you hear me? I'm in the cell next to yours!

Kahlan: Hi Shota. The Seeker is dead so I'm gonna go cry some more, kay?

Shota: He's not dead. He's in the future!

_Back to the future._

Richard: Back to the future? That's an awesome movie! Okay, Boxes of Orden I have kept in this purse- I shall bury you! (_Buries boxes and flees. He is suddenly struck by a large rock._)

_Enter Cara._

Cara: (_Bitch smacks Richard, grabs agiel and starts tickling Richard with it._)

Richard: Uncle! UNCLE! Darken Rahl is dead! We've somehow been sent to the future. The men who attacked us serve The Master!

Cara: The Doctor's arch enemy?

Richard: Him too!

Cara: Okay! Let's go find out if any of this nonsense is true!

_Back to the present._

Shota: Okay, so Jupiter's moon will line up with the symbol of the lamb which causes Aries to be extremely angsty. This means that the Boxes of Orden have transported Richard fifty-eight years from now.

Kahlan: Fifty-eight years?! Zomg! In fifty-eight years, I'd look hideous! Richard won't like me anymore! (_Cries_)

Shota: Now now, don't cry. There's no way Darken Rahl would let you live that long!

Kahlan: Well, there should be a way for Richard to travel back, right?

Shota: Hurr... It appears that if you get the Boxes of Orden, confession, and an agiel, you get yourself a homemade tardis that will send you to the future!

Kahlan: But... This is LegendofTheSeekerland! Not DoctorWholand!

Shota: That matters not. And there's no way in hell he'd ever find a confessor in the future anyway.

Kahlan: Well, he could travel to Valeria and find my sister.

Shota: No, that won't work. Darken Rahl destroyed Valeria weeks ago. You're the last, living confessor! And there's no way we could tell Richard what he needs to know to get back to the present.

Kahlan: I have an idea!

_Kahlan goes to discuss matters with Darken Rahl._

Kahlan: Well, I hate your guts and all, but I have decided that if you leave the resistance alone, give a home to every orphan child, and free healthcare for everyone, then I will be your precious queen!

Darken: Okay. As long as you agree to have some "fun" with me every night, I agree to your silly terms.

_About a year later..._

Darken: Oh Kahlan! You've been such a good wife. And now you're pregnant with our first born child. Oh happy day!

Kahlan: Stop stroking my belly like that! It's creepy...

Darken: Okay numnuts! I shall now leave you to rest. (_Leaves Kahlan to rest._)

Kahlan: Alice! I have to tell you something superly-duperly important!

Alice: Vhat iz it?

Kahlan: Darken Rahl is most likely going to kill me as soon as this baby is born.

Alice: Quoi?

Kahlan: Okay... Well... When I first met you, to talk about caring for my baby, and I looked into your eyes... I had found someone brave enough and strong enough to carry the most important secret in the world! Will you help me?

Alice: Vell, zeeing as joo helped my family, of course I vill!

Kahlan: The Seeker's alive! The Boxes of Orden turned him into a time lord and he's now fifty-seven years in the future! The only way he can get back is if he makes a homemade tardis but he doesn't know the ingredients needed. You need to stay alive- no matter what happens- so that you can tell the Seeker what he needs to know. Now, the one of the ingredients he needs is a confessor (_points to belly_). When I die, you're going to need to tell this confessor who I am and how he's going to help the Seeker save the world.

_Meanwhile, in the future..._

Cara: Sisters! Oh sisters! I brought the Seeker! Sisters? Zomg! They're all dead...

Richard: Oooh! I found something written in German! "Bob was here." Aw! They drew a little stick figure of Bob! And it says something else... "The Master's forces have us surrounded. They demand we dress up as princesses for the Master's surprise birthday party next week. My sisters have all died to protect our dignity. I am the last mord sith. I now know how Kahlan Amnell felt all those years ago..."

Cara: I'm gonna kill the Master! I'm going to rip his balls out and shove them down his throat! Then, I'll slowly cut open his stomach and strangle him with his own intestines while he uses his dying breath to beg me for mercy.

Richard: Hey! That's my idea!

Cara: Well, I'm gonna go see if he's in the People's Palace but first- I kill you!

Richard: Whut? Noooo! I could go with you and help you out and stuff! We can work together.

Cara: Alright, fine.

_Back fifty-seven years..._

Darken: Aw! We have such a cute, wittle, baby boy!

Kahlan: Baby _boy_?! Impossible!

Darken: Yeah, he's a boy. Wanna check?

Kahlan: How could I give birth to a boy?! That's so rare! Okay- we have to kill him! We have to kill him and I have to give birth to a girl. A sweet, baby girl who will play tea party and dress-up with you! And when she gets older, she'll have all these girl friends who will come over just to swoon over your sexy body!

Darken: (_Drops baby_) Whoops! I'm so incompetent with children. Show me, Kahlan. Show me how to be a proper father to this child! Look how badly he's crying. He wants a motherly touch to make him feel better!

Kahlan: Grumble grumble... (_Comforts baby_)

_Some more years later..._

Alice: Aw... Jour baby iz sharing his toys! Maybe he'll be a good confessor after all! I mean, sharing iz caring...

Kahlan: If sharing is caring, then why don't we all become communists?

Alice: Oh Kahlan... He's our only hope.

Child: Mama! (_Runs to mommy_)

Kahlan: Oh Nicolas! You're such a special snowflake...

_Some more years later..._

Kahlan: Very good Nicolas! Now, if a tree falls on a land mine, and no one is around to hear it, what sound will Abraham Lincoln make if a chicken stole his lamb chops?

Nicolas: Trick question! There is no Finland in LegendofTheSeekerland!

Kahlan: Good job! You get a gold star!

Alice: Uh, Mistress... May I speak to joo?

Kahlan: What is it?

Alice: Egremont haz ordered me to pack up all of Nicolas' things. Apparently, Rahl vants him to go to Evil Tyrant Boarding School.

Kahlan: Well, I feel as if Nicolas will remain good- even if he goes to evil tyrant school. I've done a good job.

Alice: Vell, he iz zupposed to leave first zing in zee morning. Better tell him now...

Kahlan: Oh Nicolas! I have something very, very important to te-

_Enter ginger kid._

Ginger Kid: Master! I brought you a disembodied finger! Are you happy? Have I pleased you?

Nicolas: Yes, this is just the size I wanted!

Ginger Kid: Hooray! (_Leaves_)

Kahlan: You confessed your friend?

Nicolas: Yeah. He's ginger. I feel that all gingers should be my slaves. And Scandanavians. Also, fat people, thin people, tall people, short people, tailgaters, alligators, people who don't know how to spell, people who send chain letters, people who forget to brush their teeth, the inventor of Uggs, Disney channel stars, smart asses, dumb asses, Catholics, Christians, Atheists, Wiccans, gang-bangers, emo kids, goth kids, preppy kids, nerdy kids, kids who hate labels, ninjas, samurais, pirates, vikings, and The Dallas Cowboys' cheerleading squad. I have more written down on this list I carry with me at all times!

Kahlan: This is a lot of people! In fact, this list covers just about everyone... "People who use Facebook?" Who doesn't use Facebook?!

Nicolas: I know, right? Now, what is it you wanted to tell me?

Kahlan: Oh, uh... I love you. I love you so very much!

Nicolas: I love you too, mommy. In fact, I love you so much that you're the only person who is not on my "People To Be Confessed" list.

Kahlan: Such a sweet boy... (_Leaves. Alice follows._)

Alice: Zere haz to be anozzer way... Zere haz to be!

Kahlan: No. Zer- there isn't. I should've done it years ago... Anyways, I'm sure once they find his body, they'll know it was me. Now it's up to you to stay alive and tell Richard what he needs to know. Maybe he'll find another way. And let him know that, even though I spent every night pleasing Rahl, I never stopped loving him. Pretending Rahl was Richard was the only way I could go through with it...

_Back to the future..._

Cara: This is lame. Sitting here, alone, freezing to death... We shall snuggle up!

Richard: Whut? You're not Kahlan!

Cara: Richard... Stfu and get under this blanket with me!

Richard: Grumble grumble... (_Complies_)

Cara: So, if we can't get close enough to the Master, then what? I suppose we could just remain alone... Together... Forever... (_Kisses_)

Richard: Nooo! I only want to do this wiff Kahlan!

Cara: Oh Richard... You're gonna die a virgin...

_Back to the past. Kahlan sneaks into Nicolas' room with a knife._

Kahlan: (_Prepares to stab Nicolas._)

Ginger Kid: NOOOO!!! Don't kill my Master!

_And with those frantic screams, the entire castle wakes up. Guards carry Kahlan to Darken Rahl._

Darken: (_Bitch smacks Kahlan._)

_Enter Egremont with Alice._

Kahlan: Don't hurt Alice! She didn't do anything!

Darken: Do I look stupid? No- don't answer that. But if she did have nothing to do with your devious little plan, then why was she running away, huh?

Kahlan: Maybe she wanted a burrito. I hear Taco Bell is open until 3am now!

Darken: Don't be a smart ass! (_Slices Alice's neck with a knife. She dies._) Even though you're an evil piece of dog shit that tried killing our son, that keeps crying out Richard's name instead of my own, that nags at me for leaving the toilet seat up... I will give you a merciful death to show that I am not as cruel as everyone makes me out to be. So off with your head!

_Back to the future..._

Cara: Wtf? There's no Master here!

Richard: Oh, but my Seeker senses tell me that there is an old woman somewhere in here...

Old Woman: Hi Seeker! Remember me?

Richard: Shota?! How the hell are you still alive?

Shota: That matters not! However, the Master went bat shit insane and destroyed shit and now I'm free!

Richard: But... You're still here?

Shota: Yeah, I've been looking for the key to this Rada Han for the past fifty years... Still no luck!

Cara: Where's the Master? I want to chop off his balls...

Shota: Oh, I dunno where he is. He hates this place because his mother's spirit still nags at him to clean his room and brush his teeth...

Richard: Wait- How were you able to swear?

Shota: The censor spell? It was lifted when Darken Rahl died. He was behind it, you know.

_Back to the past._

Darken: Well, son, I'm sorry that you have no mother. But as a gift- I give you this Blackberry G3!

Nicolas: G3? Fuck that shit! I wanted a G4! Egremont, kill him for his stupidity!

Egremont: (_Slices sword through Darken's body. He dies, which makes Darken fangirls very upset._) Are you happy, Master?

Nicolas: No, I think I saw his pinky twitch. Stab him again!

_Back to the future._

Richard: Kahlan's grave! It's so.. beautiful. Why can't I have a grave this beautiful?

Shota: Be grateful you don't have a grave! Anyways, I have some important stuff I have to tell you. In order to go back in time, you need to make a tardis...

Richard: Make a tardis? They're grown, not made!

Shota: Shh... No one has to know that! Anyways, to make your very own tardis, you need the Boxes of Orden, a Confessor, and an agiel. Good luck getting the Confessor!

Richard: Ah, but I could use my Seekerly ways to get Master Rahl to help us! Okay, Shota, you're going to have to be confessed by him and-

Cara: What the fuck is a tardis?

Shota: It's basically a time machine.

Cara: Wtf? That's Sci Fi! Not Fantasy!

_Anyways, Shota goes off to be confessed by the Master._

Master's Guards: Halten! (_Pulls out weapons_)

Shota: Chillax! I'm just here to tell The Master how he can get the magic of Orden!

Guards: Ah, okay then.

_So the guards take her to their leader._

Shota: Master? Oh Master... Olly olly oxin free!

_Enter Master._

Master: (_Confesses Shota_) Wtf are you doing here?

Shota: Why, to be confessed by your greatness! That, and to tell you that the Seeker is here with all three Boxes of Orden! He wants you to confess him...

Master: Wtf?

Shota: Basically, he needs you to help him get back to his own time period. The Seeker will be waiting at this one place for you to show up. If he senses danger, he'll put the boxes together. But if you agree to confessing him, you'll have the power of Orden!

Master: I like this idea... I like this idea a lot!

_Later that night..._

Richard: (_Has out Boxes of Orden_.)

_Enter Master._

Master: So, you're the man posing as Doctor Who, eh? Well, let's get this over with. Dancing With The Stars in on in an hour and I don't want to miss it!

Richard: (_Puts boxes together_)

Master: (_Confesses Richard_)

_Enter Cara._

Master's Men: (_Start shooting at Cara_)

Cara: Crap.

_But Cara makes it just in time to poke Richard with the agiel. Suddenly, the Master is replaced by Kahlan and, while all this magic is going on, Darken Rahl and his posse of mord sith appear. _

Zedd: Noez!

Darken: Noez!

_And then Darken Rahl runs towards Richard, grabs the Sword of Truth, and jams it in the middle of all three boxes- in what appears to be an attempt to separate them. Green flames suddenly erupt from the boxes and burn the sexy villain as he hovers in the air. The flames consume his body and he dies- which makes me, along with other Darken fangirls, sad. Why Darken Rahl did this is a mystery to me. In fact- if anyone knows why Darken Rahl grabbed the Sword of Truth and used it to try separating the Boxes of Orden, let me know. I must've seen this episode six times and I still don't understand this part._

Mord Sith: Noooo! Our crazy ruler is dead and it's all your fault, Cara!

Cara: Bitch, please! I just saved all of us from death! For that, you shall all follow me! Oh and Richard... Nice meeting you! According to the books, I will be seeing you in season three!

Richard: Hooray?

_Mord Sith leave._

Richard: Kahlan? Oh Kahlan! I've missed you. Oh, you too, Zedd. I'm so glad you're back!

Kahlan: Wtf?

Zedd: Wtf?

Richard: Wtf?

Kahlan: Wtf? Why are you going "wtf?"

Richard: Because I wanna join in on saying "wtf?"

Kahlan: Oh Richard... You're so fucking weird...

Richard: (_Gasp_) We can swear again! Fuck yeah!

_Later on..._

Kahlan: Wow! I can't believe I married Rahl and made a little Rahl baby with him!

Richard: I can't believe it's not butter...

Zedd: Whut?

Richard: Nothing... Anyways, all that is over with and will never happen now that I have saved the world from Darken Rahl. And... You loved me across _time_! Talk about a long distance relationship!

Zedd: Well this little chat is nice and all, but now what are we gonna do?

Richard: Uh... I could make little Seeker/Confessor babies with Kahlan?

Kahlan: Silly Richard... We still can never be together. "Revenant" ruined that for us!

Richard: But... I don't want to leave you! I still want to go on adventures with you! I lurve you!

Kahlan: Well, Richard, I'm sure some, new, impending doom will happen in the near future...

Richard: So are you thinking... Season two?

Kahlan: Ah, that depends!

Richard: On what?

Kahlan: On how many people review this chapter begging for a season two!


End file.
